My Thanksgiving

It was a different kind of Thanksgiving. My children went to grandma's with their father to Iowa. I spent Thanksgiving cooking for 63 people at the nursing home, it was a joy. One of the residents was so pleased with her feast she remarked that she was glad she did not go to her daughter's house for the day...not sure I totally believed her but it was a nice thing to say.

After that I came home and watched sappy Holiday films, my true weakness, love 'em! Now a couple of cocktails and off to bed for me.

Tomorrow it is off to work then out for some shopping. Oh yeah, one other thing happened. Remember my friends that I set up back in March? They moved in together this week and spent their first holiday together as a couple. Kinda gives you goosebumps doesn't it?

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Nice to Know I Do...

OOpsies...that big trip to see my cousin..well, I forgot to ask my boss. I got so caught up in the moment that I didn't even think about asking...soooo

I scheduled the trip and got all excited and it never even once crossed my mind that I should ask for the time off. Big, Huge Mistake! I should have asked.

I was of the mindset that since I have worked so hard and even went almost a month without a day off that there would not be an issue. My mistake...

Big issue, enough for him to say that I could not be gone etc etc...

What to do? Ticket paid for. Hotel paid for. Expectancy there.

Permission DENIED.

After 24 hours of trying to convince him that it was a relatively short time period,,,Still DENIED.

Then, I opened up and explained that I have not seen this family member in at least 25 years and explained the circumstances. Permission granted!

It has been a rough couple of days. And I am not the begging type...but... After explaining and  something that is akin to begging, Permission Granted!

Here are his words: "Didn't know you gave a shit about anything but work, nice to know you do".

I give a shit (rudely put) but true.

I guess I'm human after all. Nice to know I do, give a shit that is.

Misty

I am so emotional tonight that this post may be hard to complete.

I reconnected with my cousin Misty about a year ago, shortly after learning of her sister's suicide. I grew up with that family, they are my family. But it's disappointing to know that you can "forget" family.

I will be going to see her in Austin, TX on Dec 11th. I cannot express in words how much this means to me. The last time I remember seeing her, well, was too long ago to remember. She seems to remember a time when I was an "adult" but unfortunately I do not remember that time. I was probably too self absorbed then, I am past that now. I am not the most important person I know any longer. At this moment, for this time period, she is the most important person I know. I could be placing the bar way too high for our reconnection but I doubt it. See, she is solely responsible for my being alive today.

After her sisters suicide, she blogged about it. That is how I found her again. That is what kept me from committing the same act. Sounds superficial, perhaps enhanced, but nonetheless true...

Besides all of that, I remember all the summers with her and her family. I was and still am, insanely jealous of her life. She was always the "good one". The one that my mother would always point to as the one that I should immulate. I suppose life now reminds me that I am still the "bad one".

She has become very much the woman I wanted to be. SOLID, is the word. She still has the spark of "Dennis of the Menace" while maintaining a very"June Cleaver"  home life. Oh how I wish....

Talented woman...for this I truly despise her. She can tell a story like no one I have ever known. She engages you with words, albeit misspelled, you know what she means because you feel it. Very talented woman...enough to despise her quite frankly.

Even though to despise her is easy for a jealous cousin, to love her is even easier. I can't wait to see you and meet your wonderful family!

Love, your cousin, Lori

My Little Brother

I have a brother 10 years my junior. He has always needed help from either me or our other sister. Wow, I kinda wish I had two older siblings that would have helped me out growing,,,but that is not what this is about.

Sort of not.

My younger brother borders on the genius mentality. He is damn smart and damn likeable, except he only knows about the smart part. I think it has something to do with our upbringing (none of us think we are that likeable, we all try too hard or too little). He does both.

I took him in to raise when he was 14. I was 24. Not exactly a good nurturing environment for him. I was sooo not ready for a teenager so I wasn't good at being a mentor. My husband at the time was much better at mentoring. He made sure he had a good job that paid well at a young age, 19 I think. We helped get him an apartment and a car at that age as well. As you might expect, he fell "in love" and left the apartment to run away with his new love. Left his good job behind and left me stuck with all the bills he owed (about $2500). I carried a grudge for years.

Then I got over it and when he was in his mid twenties he came to me again. I gave him a place to live, a job and a lot of other stuff including pretending to like his girlfriend that was a year older than me.

Big surprise here, they broke up after 3 years.

When they broke up he needed a very small amount to move from their mutual home, $100. I loaned that to him.

Now he won't contact me at all. Today I sent him an email with my new phone number and a plea to not let that $100 come between us.

Let's see how this plays out. Hope he understands I can live without a $100, I just don't want to live without another member of my family...that circle is dwindling fast.

It's not just a vase

Ok, I'm gonna tell something on myself that is gonna make me seem shallow. No laughing please. I have actually cried over a broken vase tonight. Well, not just tonight, but today and tonight.

This was no ordinary vase. It was 5ft tall and gloriously suited to all of my other belongings. It was the kind of piece that people would notice immediately as different and beautiful. I know, it's still a vase, why am I crying over it?

I have lost so much over the past few years that any small thing gone now kinda sends me into a mini depression. This was not a small thing to me. It represented a happier more prosperous time in my life. I doubt I will ever be able to replace it.

After it met its ill fate (worse still, it's ill fate was not brought on by me, maybe that would have been easier). I put the bottom half out by the curb to be picked up by the garbage men (the bottom half still 4ft tall). My daughter suggested that perhaps I could still use that and cover the upper cracked off portion with greenery or even try to glue all of the pieces together. So I accepted that may be better than no vase at all. She graciously went outside to bring it back into the house. It had been so shattered that upon trying to move it, it cracked into an additional million pieces. Pieces only large enough to sweep together instead of glue together.

More tears.

It wasn't just a vase. It was a part of my life. It was one of my favorite parts. I am reduced to crying over a vase...yet again.

Remind me next month...

Either I became a Training Manager today or I am training myself out of a job one or the other. I had one person promoted from my facility, today I was given another person to train. Hmmm...am I that good or that bad is the question?

I pondered about this all day long. I finally got my nerve up and asked my District Manager if I was a Training Manager or training someone for my job. He said a Training Manager. I felt kinda silly having to ask the question but was thrilled with the response. I ordinarily wouldn't feel so insecure but for a few issues....

We live in a world of uncertainty about our jobs, that's number one. I possess an abrasive nature so I tend to offend others, that's number two. Today the Director of my facility had a meeting with my District Manager and said that he wanted to be friends with me again and didn't know how because I have put walls up, that's number three.

Both of my "bosses" are men. How the hell do you say without saying that you have just been PMS'ing and you want to be friends too? LOL...Seriously, as I said I can be abrasive, but I guess I had no idea how abrasive if someone feels the need to say "Make her be friends with me again"...

This is no laughing matter (although I am snickering). This is serious business. Is it time for me to go for one of those hormone balance tests? Or have I always been this way during "mother nature" time?

It's a good time to make friends again. I'm done with PMS. Someone please remind me next month!

The Day You Can't Take Back (as a parent)

I have often heard people remark of the moment they realized their parents were people and not some god like creature without flaws. For me personally, I am pretty sure this happened when I was about age 10. My mother was an extremely depressed person with an anger issue and so many other "issues" that I dare not try to recall them all now. However, the day I realized was when she could not find the handheld can opener.

She threw all of the drawers out of the cabinets and ranted and raved about where in the world did I put that particular can opener. My younger sister hid behind me shaking in a corner of the kitchen as I tried to protect her. My mother shook scissors in our direction with an "out of touch" look in her eyes and tone. This was such a defining moment, I am pretty sure I have mentioned it before. At any rate...

My daughter is having such a moment with her father (think she already had it with me). He is a flawed man as we are all flawed. Somehow it seems to strike differently with her when it comes to him. It is now that she is beginning to question if she can count on him in any circumstance. Unfortunately, the answer is no. Equally unfortunate is the fact that the topic could never be discussed with him as he is so proud that he dare not admit a flaw and certainly would not admit to hurting his children in any way.

But the truth is, he does hurt them. I won't divulge exactly how but is a behaviorial issue that he has had for as long as I have known him.

Just sad that he will probably never have the chance to rectify it...or worse, won't ever admit there is a problem in the first place.

Close Family

I have experienced several different "sides" to life. I guess the most obvious are rich and poor. Rich in a way that I had more money than an average of 90% of Americans. Poor in a way that I had about as much as the bottom 10% of America. Vast differences, and personally I prefer rich.

My daughter said something strange the other day. She said she didn't want or need to be rich because we became a better family when we were poor.

I always thought we were a pretty tight knit group and had a very good family. She explained it like this...she said we became closer not just because we had a smaller house.

I guess the sharing of life experiences will do that for a family. Still I hope to have another swing at being a close rich family!

Yes Virginia, There is a Swine Flu

I admit to being one of those people that is skeptical of certain flu's or epidemics. Bird flu, Swine flu, whatever...

However, now that both my daughter and I have been diagnosed with Swine Flu, and I also have pneumonia, I am now a believer in this particular epidemic.

Last Wednesday night I was feeling "fit as a fiddle". Woke up on Thursday morning and felt like a truck hit me. Coughing, body aches that were indescribable; sore throat etc. I thought I had my annual attack of bronchitis. So, I stayed home from work Thursday, most of Friday all day Saturday, went in for a couple of hours on Sunday.

Then today, my daughter went to the doctor because she had contracted my illness (plus she has asthma, so it really hit her). She took herself to the doctor. I spoke to her after her appointment, swine flu.

Working in the health care field, I immdiately went to a clinic. Yep, swine flu with a touch of pneumonia.

And all this time I was feeling guilty for not going to work. I am home until at least Wednesday at this point. I feel better than I did especially since now I get to stay home until Wednesday. Ahhh, god's little way of giving me time off work without the guilt factor...

Free Will

Lately I have been having a lively exchange with another blogger. He is what I might refer to as a staunch Republican ( I am sure he will take offense to my characterization).Let me state clearly here, I totally respect him, we all have the right to express ourselves in the USA. That being said...

He cannot understand why the Republican party has been so overwhelmingly over thrown.

How hard is it to understand that you are not being "demonized" as one of his posts suggests, but that democracy has spoken? Democracy has said, "We want equality!"

Equality is not what the Republican party, as it stands, is for. It remains in control of what I might refer to as "the good ole' boys network". Or even worse, the Christian Right. Again, believe in whatever god you want, whatever prophetic wrtitings that you want to believe in. I am not anti-Christian, quite the opposite.

I do however, believe that free will was given to all. It is not up to one sector to decide if being gay is environmental or natural. ( My personal belief, it's not a choice). It is not up to one sector to decide when an embryo is to be protected by human law( Take from that statement that I am pro choice).

Lastly, I am not what I personally would refer to as a traditional "feminist". Or am I? Is wanting the same pay and rights as another human being making me a traditional feminist? Maybe I am, but I still want my dates to    open doors for me...

At any rate, fundamentally, I differ from my fellow blogger in the following way:

I believe that personal choice should be left to the individual, not law.

Hell, even God says that free will should be the human way!

Please No Healthcare Plan!

Ok, this has to be written about. If you are NOT political you better listen up. How would you like to be made by LAW to pay an extra $100-$200 a month for healthcare?

Before I get into this, let me make it clear, I am a registered democrat. But, I cannot support mandated healthcare. Here is why:

1. I was an insurance agent for 17 years. Auto insurance is LAW is it not? However, every person that buys auto insurance pays for "uninsured motorists coverage". Why do you pay for this if having insurance is LAW? Because people that should be buying insurance don't!

2. The same thing will  happen with mandated healthcare. Let us just say that healthcare becomes LAW. You are FORCED to pay for insurance for your family of four for the nominal fee of $100 to $200 a month. How many families CANNOT afford this? The answer is MANY. Therefore, EVERYONE else will be charged for these people PLUS we will take their bare minimum tax refund checks that they use for LIVING. Thus perhaps increasing the amount of people on public assistance.

3. On top of all of this, with the new families added to the healthcare plan, it will take YEARS for doctors and hospitals to catch up. You will wait for months for simple procedures simply because of the new backlog of recipients of the health system. Care will be sub par and you will pay MORE.

I am infuriated by  Obama's insistence that he be the one that instigates healthcare. Look, I voted for the man, but there is a reason this has not been able to become a national mandate. It is NOT prudent. It helps no one. A fine imposed because you don't have healthcare? You can't afford healthcare so here is a fine that you furthermore cannot afford. Are we then going to imprison those people? A new debtors prison? This is not feasible.

Please, rethink your legacy President Obama. This is NOT the right thing. I am not the smartest person in the world, but I do know this is no mensa members healthcare plan either. It is NOT true that any healthcare plan is better than none.

This is all spoken by a true Democrat. God please let this blog reach the White House!

Really??? Women in Bikinis does it? Really?

Ok, it's official, I am boring unless I am talking about women in bikinis. As a reminder, to get hits on your blog women in bikinis and naked of pictures of women in bikinis is quite the draw.

I'm gonna test this another time. Last time I mentioned women in bikinis I got 165 hits in one day. I'm not sure if the post was because of women in bikinis or Hannah Giles in a bikini, either way...

At any rate this is a test to see if just the mention brings more hits....


Testing, testing, 123

It's a Woman thing...

I am officially into my 21st day of working with one day off. Oddly, I am super ok with that. It means I am needed.

My kids rarely need me. No boyfriend that needs me. But thank heavens work needs me. I have decided that if you are not needed then life is less interesting. I had to go and help another facility today so I was not in my own. The Director of my facility called me twice while I was gone, on the last call said he missed me and loved me. It may seem pathetic but I live for those moments when I am needed, even if it is only work.

I feel like I have done a good job with my children if they are at a point in their lives that they don't need me like they used to. But I'm not gonna lie, it is hard to watch your children grow up. So this thing of being needed at work fills a gap.

I totally understand women that have babies later in life. If I was able I  probably would have married and had another child. It's the woman thing in me. I need to be needed.

It's odd that I need to get this old to understand what makes me "tick". But I know what it is now. I need to be needed.

I sure liked being a mother to younger children...I'm old enough to miss it and too young to be a grandma. But I look forward to grandma days. I'm gonna be a great grandma...when it's time of course.

Cowboys Football and Bonding

I am an avid Cowboys football fan. I'm a girl so I don't know all the stats etc, I don't even know everyone's name. But I do understand the game quite well and enjoy the hell out of it!

Tonight is the new stadium opening game, against rivals New York Giants.

I'm pumped. My almost 15 year old son, hates them. His team is the Chiefs. Tonight will be a sort of bonding time for the two of us. I will cheer for the Cowboys and will cheer against them.

Ahhh, bonding with your son. These are the precious moments between mother and son.

Is it still bonding if there is swearing involved? LOL

How to tell the difference in Republicans and Democrats

If you are of the majority in America, you don't really know what is going on politically. You may not even have a true understanding of the difference in being a Republican or a Democrat.

Here is my elementary overview of the two parties:

Republicans: Don't want abortion; but you can have the death penalty. And absolutely no gay marriage, it goes against their fundamental Chrisitan values.However, the Republican party has a label that I am not sure they totally deserve, that of being racist. Most Democrats label Republicans as being racist because Republicans oppose immigrants and will do almost anything to try to keep them out including building a large wall that they think Mexicans cannot get passed (imagine the cost of a wall to keep Mexico out). Republicans oppose, in large part, aid to poor families. This is not racist on their part, they just don't like poor people.

Democrats: Are more likely to support personal choice such as abortion and gay marriage. However, Democrats do, in my opinion, spend too much money trying to equalize the financial picture. You know who pays to equalize? Everyone except the poor. On the money issue I tend to agree more with Republicans but for the fact that I currently fall into the poor area. However, I am one that believes that I won't stay there based on my own willingness to work hard. I am someone that believes in a straight across the board tax level, no loop holes whatsoever, for a round number call it, 25%.

Here is what makes me a registered Democrat (I used to be a registered Republican): I believe in personal choice. I do NOT think abortion is the governments concern. I do NOT think sexual preference is the governments concern or that they should have the ability to dictate who gets married. I am so passionate about these two things, that is what makes me a Democrat.

If I could have the ear of both parties I would also tell them that I absoultely abhor being told that I MUST wear a seatbelt ( I do but I don't like being told that I have to, and I hate that money was spent to make this law). I also believe that marijuana should be legal and taxed. Mind you, I do not smoke it...anymore (it makes me paranoid) but for those that do I see no more harm, maybe less than drinking alcohol. Therefore, put a sin tax on it and quit spending money to fight drug dealers of marijuana. Quit putting people in jail for weed. It's stupid and costs money instead of making money from the sin. If you can tax a tobacco smoker 100% then you can damn sure tax a weed smoker and I think there are just as many of them! BUT, and let me add this BUT, the sin tax is out of control. Why on earth are tobacco smokers paying for new roads to be built etc? It makes zero sense to me. Smokers are another sector being discriminated against. Personal choice people, personal choice.

Speaking of tobacco smokers...I HATE that this particular personal choice is being taken away. If you don't want to be around tobacco smokers, your choice. If you choose to smoke tobacco then there should be places for that. If a business owner allows it, it is his/her choice, not the governements.

Again, I am more Democrat than Republican simply based on personal choice (even though our cigarette smoking President raised taxes on cigarettes AGAIN!,, Is it obvious that I am a cigarette smoker lol?)

Message to Republicans: Want to draw more supporters? Rethink abortion, gay marriage, and oh yeah, women's rights!

Really, it's that easy to get a million hits on your blog?

I have been reading some popular blogs and one in particular explains in detail how to get a million hits on your blog.

To give you the condensed version it is this; you have women in bikinis and a lot of enemies.

Why hell, if all it takes is enemies I will just call all the girls from junior high school that hated me and I will have this thing licked.

Enemies and women in bikinis huh? I'm about to be a blogging superstar...

The Theory of Women in Bikinis

I have recently become enamored with reading some of the most "hit on" websites. I can definitely see what brings them traffic, and money. In my future posts I will be testing a few of their theories.

For now let's just say that naked women in bikinis seems to be a very hot topic. And the now ever popular, Hannah Giles in a bikini.

If you want to see Hannah Giles in a bikini you might try this site http://littlemissattila.com/.

Over the next couple of days I am gonna test this woman in bikini theory and of course the Hannah Giles in a bikini theory. I only want to see if the mention of Hannah Giles in a bikini truly has the effect that I anticipate.

If this actually works I am gonna have to find more pictures of women in bikinis.

Testing 1,2,3...

Dixie what?

I am not a Republican. I consider myself fiscally conservative and socially liberal, once upon a time known as a Dixiecrat.

At any rate I have added some new blogs that I have started following. Whether or not you agree with them is beside the point. They are entertaining and infuriating all at the same time.

Just give them a look and see for yourself.

The Permeation of Comraderie

Today is either day 12 or 13 without a single day off from work for me. I am mentally exhausted. When I get this drained I tend to be quite cranky. But thank goodness I have a staff that understands the stress level, trust me they are stressed out too. This past week I had one staff member promoted and 2 quit to go to a seasonal job of sorting corn. There was no warning of any of the three leaving, it just happened all within a couple of days. So I have staff members that are working doubles with no days off for over a week. The stress level is getting high.

The staff are making critical mistakes and I am finding them difficult to defend. Except for a single mindset that is permeating through the group. They all know we can't break now, they love their co workers and help one another in tremendous ways. This comraderie is seeping out through my facility, and other department heads are noticing the tight knit group we have and how hard they all work. So on that note something really uplifting happened today.

I have an employee that works extremely hard but due to being so overworked she made some mistakes this week that did not go unnoticed. In a meeting of department heads today her mistakes were brought up and she was being crucified. I immediately came to her defense and in a very irritated voice explained that she was the sole provider for a family of 5, works her ass off never says "no" to an extra shift, and for not much pay. I explained that this woman wraps her feet in ace bandages just to get through the day because her shoes are so poor for the job. The group began to ask questions about her home life.

By the end of the meeting the group had pitched in to buy her shoes (really good ones like I got for Mothers Day), gift cards at Wal-Mart and even a gift card to Applebees. Why Applebees? This employees 26th wedding anniversay was this month but she and her husband could not afford to go to Applebees for their anniversary dinner (2 entrees for $20) due to purchasing back to school items for the 2 youngest children.

The group prefers to remain anonymous donors and wants me to present her with these gifts. Personally, I think they should be a part of the presentation so that they too can see how grateful she will undoubtedly be.

The comraderie has definitely permeated throughout the building! What a great group of people we have!

And on and on it goes

Last week an employee of mine was promoted based on my recommendation. She will do a great job. Her life circumstances paralalled mine to a great extent. She is divorced, had been a business owner and her 50th bday is next month, so no spring chicken and now trying to start a new life. I can totally relate.

This may come as a shock but most management types do not try to help you get promoted, I guess there is some sort of fear there. Therefore, I counseled her not to fall into that trap. I told her to always be looking for the one that can move up to the next level and nurture those that deserve it, just like she was and just like I was.

I think she will do a very good job, both in her new position and in the nurturing of others.

I really like the idea of being helped and then being able to help others, and on and on it goes. It makes the suffering feel like it meant something.

Anyway, that is my feel good thought of the day.

I miss my daughter

I have spoken often about my almost 17 year old daughter. She has always been one of the great joys of my life. But recently she has taken to some strong rebellion. I understand this is part of the growing up process; want to make all of your own decisions and have freedom etc. But it is not quite time for all of that. So we butt heads a lot.

Lately I have been completely ignoring her. I am so disappointed in her behavior that I am afraid that if I open my mouth nothing but ugly comments will spew. I lost my patience with her last act of rebellion and said some things I now regret. Therefore, I keep my mouth shut. I don't even speak her name, I don't speak to her directly at all. This has been going on for about a week.

I made a very telling remark to her father the other day. I said, "I should of just named her Lori and gotten it over with". By the way, my name is Lori.

One might be of the impression that if you are raising a child that is exactly like you then you would know how to "handle" them. Heads up for new parents, it is kinda the opposite. What I am finding to be true is that I know the mistakes I made and want her not to go down that road. I have been an extremely different mother than my own mother was, and the problems that she has are not identical to the ones that I had. But, the stubborn, hard head is identical. So is the certainty that she knows it all at her very young age. I know in her mind she doesn't think she is that young and believes she knows more than me.

She probably thinks I am "out of touch" with what "todays" teenagers think. What she doesn't know is that "todays" teenager is absolutely no different than a 1980's teenager. She probably thinks I don't understand her pressures or that I make a "big deal" out of what she considers to be not that big of a deal. It's a big deal, I'm old enough to know the consequences.

I am trying to figure out how to "get through" to her without breaking her spirit or alienating her further. I want her to know that I am "on her side" but that my mothering instinct cannot be absent. I want her to understand that if she feels the need to be "grown" then she must make decisions that reflect that. I can let go of my little girl and let her become the woman she wants to be but only if she demonstrates some grown up decision making. So far, not so good. I will compromise because I am old enough to know how, but I don't think she is old enough to know how to compromise. So far, not so good.

I miss our chats on the patio. I miss our chats lying in my bed watching some absurd thing on MTV. I miss my daughter.

I hope this is just a "phase" for both of us and we can get back to good. Otherwise with my hard head and her hard head this could be the beginning of a very long silent period.

I miss my daughter.

A Sore Winner

Tuesday a nurse at my facility won $50,000 from a $5.00 scratch off ticket. I work pretty closely with this particular nurse so I knew that it was a real windfall. But I had no idea how much of one.

After gushing with excitement and showing the big winner ticket the state gives you when you win that much she broke into tears. She clutched that winners ticket and told me at the time that she won the money she was negative $200 in her checking account, owes the government $12,000, and desperately needs a hearing aid. She is 60 years old, newly divorced and pretty scared.

The joy that permeated from her was palpable. On Wednesday the joy started to subside a bit. The state immediately took $15,000 of the winnings for taxes. Another $12,000 for what she owes the government in back taxes. So she was left with $23,000. She lamented about how much the government had taken. I had to remind her that she still had $23,000 which is more than enough to buy her hearing aids and then some.

Today she moped around a bit still lamenting the taxes. I told her if it were me I would be glad that the big $12,000 bill that hung over her head was now paid and that she could either pay off some bills, take a vacation or just put the rest in the bank. Didn't seem to cheer her up.

I'm just guessing here, but I think I would be pretty darn happy with that outcome.

I choose

I am NOT having the weekend to myself. I have to get my facility in order for the new manager I am training so decided that since I have to be at work, screw it, I will just stay home.

I am definitely gonna do it next weekend though, or so I say. I am promising myself that I will not go into work next weekend. Let's see how that promise goes. But I did do something for myself.

Since I am going to the new facility I am going to have to dress a little nicer than I do now. So...I went out and bought myself a few pieces of clothing, some new nail polish, new shoes, and just for good measure some new jammies (which are too tight, I am wearing them now).

When you are a mom and on a limited budget you sure feel guilty about getting yourself new clothes unless...your kids are pissing you off and then it feels like "Take that! I got myself stuff and not you nah nah boo boo!"

Seriously I do not feel one bit guilty. I think I am getting over the nervous part and starting to embrace the "I deserve this" part. Truth be told, I have worked hard. I know all of this is happening fast but I worked hard and I kinda campaigned for it. So then that makes this a "get what you ask for"moment. I asked for a promotion, I got it. Plus I think I am gonna be great at it because I am gonna work harder and more efficiently than anyone else. Not just because that is who I am but because I have nothing else in my world right now other than work. All of my "atta boys" and accolades only come from work.

I don't have a boyfriend or a small child that requires my attention. My teenagers openly pray that I die tomorrow (that may be a stretch) but anyway they have lives that I am not an important part of right now. I guess I am already preparing for the "empty nest" syndrome.

At any rate, work is what I have. I choose to be really, really good at it.

Think I will paint my nails now...

Encouragement

Here is an example of an encouraging email...One would think I would get "it":

You will never be fully healed until you are able to no longer fear failure.

The only way one does not fail in life is not trying.

Understand, you from day 1 at the nursing home said everyone stressed so bad, how stressful the job was etc, and you knew better.
From Day 1 you knew better

The best thing a Manager can display is the ability to bring new ideas, be calm and collective under almost any circumstance and build a solid team. You have done and displayed all of these things.

Give yourself a break, step out on the ice a little further. There may come a day you make a mistake, but guess what we are all human and will. If it is any kind of company they will see how you react to the mistake and see it as a learning process.

You have a good thing going, honestly the only way you would destroy it right now is through self-doubt.

You also have control over how fast the dial turns up on your career. You don't need it to if its not perfect for you. You have said you have very small requirements with life now. If its not perfect for you, let it go by, there will be others.

Do not dwell in pending failure or doom or you will never be happy !!

You will find the balance !!

Take Time to Enjoy.

Pretty decent words of encouragement don't ya' think? He makes for a pretty good EX husband don't ya' think?

I shouldn't but I am

My anxiety is "off the charts". I cry easily, worry constantly. I am trying to create a peaceful environment for myself but it is hard to do. I have received some encouraging emails and I am truly thankful for them and take them to heart.

I cannot explain this self doubt and pity I am feeling right now. It seems overwhelming. I know I will get over it (read: I better get over it!). I really thought I was passed this point. I'm guessing not so much...

At what point are you really better? At what point does the depression and anxiety leave you? Does it come back based on events? I'll bet that is it. I bet that the passing of my dog, my daughter giving me fits and the pressure to perform at work sent me over the edge. Not to mention another little "barely escaped that" episode that I don't care to talk about. All of this in a week. Most people could probably handle this with no problem. I am weaker than I would like to be. The events of the past week remind that I have a ways to go.

Somehow writing this blog really seems to help. I am gonna try a small getaway this weekend and see if that doesn't help.

My getaway will consist of a hotel room for 3 days and 2 nights. No phone contact with anyone unless I want it. I will justify this as my birthday gift to myself. I was gonna wait until my birthday but have decided that I need it this weekend. Tomorrow my getaway will begin.

I am debating as to whether or not I can take my one remaining dog. I bet he needs a getaway too. I will take him.

I really shouldn't be giving myself weekends away right now, but I gotta tell ya, I am at the end of my rope.

I hope this helps.

The Question

I am having some anxiety issues lately. First with my dog dying, then of course the never ending adventures of raising a teenaged daughter and finally with my job.

Today the anxiety is bad enough that I am nervous, cautious and have an overall apprehensive feeling. That feeling of waiting for something bad to happen. I understand the feeling when it comes to grieving over my dog. I even understand the feeling with my daughter. But with my job I don't totally understand it. Everything is going well, receive accolades etc. But I can't shake the feeling that something bad is gonna wreck everything I have worked for. Yesterday I was told that I am getting a new promotion, and I was over the moon about it. Today, I am nervous and have been overly cautious in my dealings. My confidence is down today and I feel emotional.

I am worried about every little thing. I worry that I am moving too quickly and that perhaps I won't do a good job or worse that I will lose my job. I wonder why I am so worried when I just received news of the promotion? I wonder why I worry when my facility has given me additional responsibilities? Obviously they believe I am qualified. In general I tend to feel qualified, or is it that I have been overconfident and now I am questioning my abilities? Is it the same old self sabotaging that I have practiced in the past? Or is this wisdom telling me to slow down I have been here before and I know what it feels like to have and to lose?

I almost feel like I should just play safe for a while, but then what if the opportunity doesn't present itself again? I don't know how many "comebacks" I have left in me if any. I guess in general I worry that if I am successful I might fail and have to perform another comeback.

Yep, that's the fear, that I if I am successful I will fail somehow. Being put into the spotlight was once very appealing, now I know how hard the fall can be. I feel the need to be under the radar for a while. But the ball is rolling fast now and I can't stop it.

This is gonna take some focus. I should be enjoying this not fearing it. It all begs the question, "Have I gone crazy?"

Half a Duo

When I was a kid pets were not really a prized commodity in our house. My first dog was named Cocoa and she was a german shephard that my parents gave away when I was very young, probably before I was 5. All I remember about her is that she would jump on me and scare me when I was a child. My second dog was Blacky, a Cocker Spaniel. I loved that dog. She was black, ergo the clever name, with a white star on her neck. My parents gave her away when we moved and told me she had been hit by a car. I sat inside her dog house and literally howled like a dog and cried an amazing amount of tears. It was only later they told me they gave her away. To this day I don't know the real story.

Then when I was about 10 years old my stepfather raised rabbits in order to sell their pelts and to eat, as stew or whatever. I remember we had a lot of cages in the backyard and well over 100 rabbits. Then one day I saw how he killed them. He would hang them up on the clothesline and hit them in the head with a baseball bat, then take a machetti and cut their heads off then proceed to skin them. It was that day I stopped eating stew at our house.

When I was about 20 a dog found me. A dog my oldest son named Autrie (after Gene Autry, he was so young but knew who that was, go figure). I kept that dog for awhile until I realized I was too immature to care for a dog and then had him adopted out. It was hard but the right thing to do.

From then on I always pretended that I hated animals. In that way I never had to deal with them "leaving" me and as a result feeling sadness over an animal, after all there were plenty of other things to be sad about.

Then when I was 27 my oldest son had a friend whose family raised pure bred shelties. A litter had been born and I wanted to see them, I was sure I was ready for another animal and also wanted my children exposed to a dog they wouldn't have to get rid of. There were only two puppies left in the litter. I brought them both home to decide which one I wanted. Initially I decided on the male (didn't want a female to get pregnant and bring me more dogs). But after awhile realized that I had to get both, they were after all the last two of the litter and I couldn't separate them or just leave one behind.

After much debate my husband and I decided to name them Hansel and Gretel (we were extremely "kid friendly" at the time).

Then when I was 30 I divorced and took Hansel and Gretel with me when I moved out of the marital home. We had joint custody of the children but the dogs were mine.

Anyone that knows me knows Hansel and Gretel. Real "pain in the ass" kind of dogs. They have yelped like puppies from day one, escaped from the yard and had to be tracked down and never have been the best house trained animals.

My kids have joked that they don't really know their names because every time you say one name you say the other. It is rare that you would just yell for Hansel or Gretel to come, you would always yell for both to come.

Today is the first day I am yelling for one to come, the other died of kidney failure. My grief is overwhelming.

The New "Tween"

The term "tween" is meant for those between childhood and teenage years. I have discovered another "tween". I am a tween, between adult and old.

I think I'm about past the time of going to concerts, but still enjoy some "new" music and will watch a concert on television. I still follow current trends in some clothing but much prefer the classics; for example, leggings are the new "in" thing. I have some left over from the '80's. Are they really new? I'm gonna call this the new classic. I drink gourmet coffee from an overpriced coffee shop but on occasion just really want a cup of Folgers. In the future I am sure I will tend more toward the Folgers because I am getting old and stingy (read worried about retirement). I like the coffee shop better but it sure is hard to justify $3.00 for plain old coffee and $5.00 for my mocha with two extra shots of espresso.

I tend more toward simplifying than toward my younger years of excess, in just about all matters except complaining. This has become my new constant, I gripe and bitch a lot about just about everything from politics to other drivers on the road. Clearly a sign of getting old. I count my change when handed to me at the grocery store and when I give my children money for the store I check the receipt. I can tell you down to the last penny what I spend and what I spend it on each month.

I am old enough to know that plans don't usually work out, but young enough to continue making them. Drinking in bars has just about run its course for me, unless it is a small town bar where I can wear my flip flops and leggings from the '80's.

I'm old enough to know that I really am going to die, but young enough that I have not yet made up my mind about how I want to be put to rest...burned or buried, I think I prefer the little houses above ground that rich people have in Louisiana, what are they called again? I'm too old to remember. Oh yeah, I'm young enough to remember but old enough that I can't remember how to spell it. It starts with M.

I'm old enough to wash out ziploc bags but young enough that I don't do it every time that I have a reusable bag to wash out. I'm old enough to know where the best deals in town are, but young enough to still choose convenience over price most days (or is that old enough to choose convenience?).

I'm young enough to care about my physical appearance but old enough to eat the bag of chips anyway. I'm young enough to flirt but old enough to know who I should flirt with...other old people.

Well, this about sums it up for now. I am sure it will be difficult for me to sleep tonight, my old self will stay awake thinking of what is still young about me.

And then the planets lined up just right...

I have had a crazy couple of days. First, I worked 14 1/2 hours yesterday and 10 hours today. Crazy long days but some strange stuff happened these last 2 days...

First, the resident that wanted his $50 yelled at me for having favorites. Truth be told, of course I have favorites but not in the way he implied. He implied that his food comes last because of me, ridiculous. The man actually had rage in his eyes.

Next, I had a very interesting conversation with a lady at the home. We were talking about her family. She has only one child, a daughter. From her she got three grandchildren and ten great grandchildren. When I asked her what happened to her husband. She told me that he was a "sex nut" and always thought the grass was greener somewhere else so she divorced him. But never fear she remarried a man 11 years her junior. She told me they had a wonderful relationship until his "real" wife showed up. He was not divorced when he married her. So she has been single for 40 years now. When I shared this story with a coworker, they said that explained why she was so bitter. I'm not sure it does, and I'm not sure that is what I would call her.

Actually, I think I really "get" her. LOL

Then today the visit from my new "boss". God how I hate to even think of him in those terms. I sure hope he never finds this blog because I really don't like him much. I am in enough fear of that that I won't elaborate. Suffice it to say that my previous "boss" was really smart and this one is n_t. I think I am safe with that ( I crack myself up).

Then the craziest thing happened when I got home today. My daughter was asleep in my bed, my son was playing games in his room. No problems whatsoever. The planets aligned just right. Did they have some sort of other world vision that mommy was in serious need of a no problem night? These kinds of Friday nights are hard to come by with two teenagers. Whatever the reason for the calm house on a Friday night I am truly grateful.

To reward myself for such a hard working week I think I will put my jammies on and play poker online. Just what I need, a bunch of nothing to do, so looking forward to it!

My Letter to Ryan

My best friend's son is coming back from Iraq on September 15th. I have watched him grow from a little boy to now a man of 21. He is coming home to some things that are way different than when he left. Prepare yourself Ryan. My letter to you:

I know that you sometimes read the blog. I'm not sure if this one will be of help or not. But here is what you are coming home to:

First, as I am sure you heard lol you have a brand new daughter that you have never held. I am not sure how that will feel to you and I'm not sure that you can prepare yourself for it either. Either brace yourself for a flood of wonderful emotion OR brace yourself for the responsibilty that you may feel, either way, brace yourself.

Second, Ryan you have a new marriage that you probably need to work on. It's hard for a young mother to remember that you love and support her without the constant physical and emotional needs being met as she meets her new responsibilities. Remember that she is drained from months of going "solo" with the new life that now requires her every moment of attention. Give her some time and some support, don't expect more than she can give. It will come.

Third, your mother has changed quite a bit. She has tackled a major life choice head on and it has changed the dymamics of the family. You have never seen your mother like this before.

Fourth, I don't know first hand, but some things never change, I hear your sister is still a brat ( I say it lovingly). But, I tend to believe your mom.

Fifth, you have changed. I am not sure exactly what has changed but so many months away in a controlled environment had to make an impression that others won't understand right away and you may not feel the full impact until you are back.

At any rate you are coming back to family and friends that love you and a new life that holds tremendous promise. But you have to be ready for it, it's all new. You can handle it, you certainly aren't a little boy sitting on my deck anymore.

Love ya and can't wait to see you!

A New Service Needed for Residents...not my field

Ah yet another tale of the nursing home. Trust me that this is not one that will put you in a melancholy mood, at least I don't think so.

There is a business office at the nursing home that acts as a bank for residents. Either your own money or money your family wants you to have access to is deposited there. You can withdraw funds from 8-3 Monday thru Friday. Most residents don't have need for much money, unless they are big catalog shoppers, and some of the women are. But for the most part people use this money for special treats from the vending machine, cigarettes and the occasional group shopping trip to the mall ( I truly pity the person that takes them shopping).

I overheard one of the residents complaining about not being able to get his money out. It wasn't necessarily that I had to strain to hear him, he was quite vocal. So vocal in fact that the Executive Director was called to the business office to help with the situation as the male resident was beginning to scare the female banker. You need to know that the resident is about 80 years old, he wears black all the time and sings Johnny Cash songs. His wife has no desire to have him return home because of years of cheating on his part (let this be a lesson to you cheaters! your spouse will leave you in a nursing home!).

At any rate, the Executive Director asked the resident what the problem was. The resident responded that he wanted $50, which he did not have in his account(another lesson to cheaters, your spouse will leave you in a nursing home with less than $50!). He had tried to bargain with the "banker" for a loan. When the banker denied his request a string of obscenities began to fly from the resident and now he was trying to obtain the same $50 from the Director. Naturally the Director asked him what it was that was so important that he needed the $50 for...wait for it, wait for it.

"A hooker" replied the resident. Only a man could have thought of the question that the Director asked next, "What do you think you could get for $50 from a hooker?"

The classic reply " I'm 80, how long do you think it will take?"

Poor guy never did get his $50 or the hooker to go with it.

A Good Man

I often leave the nursing home where I work, shaking my head and contemplating the many different types of people I come into contact with there. But this week has been a bit of a "doozy".

We had a new resident move in to spend his final days there. He is only 53 but it is well known that he has come there to die. His wife chose the nursing home opposed to her home because she did not want their children to watch him die and she fears being the one to find him dead. He is very ill with kidney failure and has had 5 heart attacks. He doesn't suffer much pain but he does have dialysis 3 times a week and that tends to rob a body of all energy.

I was given his basic information upon admittance. His diagnosis, family status etc. I visit all new residents to determine their nutritional needs and to obtain their likes and dislikes in food choices. This generally takes about 30 minutes with an individual. But with this resident it took about 2 hours because he told me his life story.

The kind balding man with a beard as thick as Santa Claus; this father of two and husband to a very nice and loving wife had once been a woman. He was a she until age 32. His wife was his sister's best friend at one time, not anymore. His sister, father and mother all disowned him when he became a man, until he came to the nursing home. Now they were all present and fawning over him. To me that may have been too little too late. To him it was a great blessing. To have the family that had shunned him now cry for his imminent death and all the lost time.

He explained that it was not for him that he was so happy, but for his children and wife. He said that now his wife would have her best friend back and his children would have another set of grandparents and all of that would surely help them manage their personal pain over his death.

I thought him an extremely caring man. I could not see the woman he used to be I could only see a man looking out for his family.

He died on Thursday of this week. He was only at the nursing home for 4 days and unfortunately it was his wife that found him dead after all.

The whole family came up to clean his room out today and I could see that the children were lucky to have the new set of grandparents and that the wife had a friend again in her husbands sister. But it was still a pretty young family missing their father and husband.

He was a good man and not someone I will forget.

My Little Lovelies,,,Yeah, Right

My kids are driving me flipping crazy! Yeah, yeah I love them but... I am sick of sharing with them! I am sick of their laziness and in a surprising twist (seeing as how I just said I am sick of sharing with them) I am sick of their selfishness! In a nutshell, I am sick of teenagers!

I have two of the little lovely darlings (hey, I have this blog for a reason! So that I can release some steam in a healthy fashion. So, allow me to continue.) to tell the truth, they just don't seem so lovely lately. Both of them could live in a pigstye and be just fine with it. They can wait until there is not a single freaking utensil in the house and then just wash the one fork they might need. They can and do sit on their ass all day long and then have the nerve to act tired when I get home from a 12 hour day! Today I am so sick of both of them that I don't even have it in me to yell. I just sighed when I walked in the door (the loud kind of sigh that says I am disgusted). This did not deter the little angels, they just went straight for the food that I brought in, after of course they washed the one utensil they would need for it.

Everyday that I come in I have to hunt my laptop down, after a million times of saying leave it in the kitchen. I am so tempted to take it to work with me for the next month just so they can't use it. I have been sharing with these people ever since they were born. Let me count the ways...I am a germaphobe so I was never a parent that would share a drink with them when they were little, if they wanted a drink then my drink became theirs. Same goes for food. And of course like every parent I have sacrificed what I wanted or needed to make sure they got what they wanted or needed. I sacrificed time to watch the most horrible school productions you have ever lived through. I put up with people I hated because they liked them. And mind you, I have done all of this with love in my heart. But dammit today I have had my fill!

I want something that they cannot touch, something that is just mine. To this day my daughter takes my blow dryer (not that I use it much but its the principle). Clothes, computer, shampoo etc. I know it all sounds so damn petty and I suppose it is.

Maybe it wouldn't seem so bad if they would just clean the goddamn kitchen without having to be told or acting like it was a punishment worse then death!

Ok, I think I feel well enough to go yell about the kitchen now. Come to think of it, I want the floors mopped too!

The Third Choice...Nothing

So I have been vacillating between two choices. One is safe and one is a bit risky. I was set to go with the risky one until today. I had a thought that changed my entire outlook, here's the thought....

When you go back and forth, move from idea to idea, it's just better to stand still at that point.

That thought changed everything. I am not doing anything, not the safe not the risky. I am going to stand still. Hopefully in standing still and not worrying about what to do the answer comes on it's own. Vacillating is no way to make a decision. One should be sure about what they are doing, no vacillating required.

Seems surprisingly wise of me...Could it be that at 40 years old I am finally maturing?

One can hope!

Still Cautious

Lately so many good things have been happening that frankly I am beginning to worry. I suppose that after a year of hell, and a few years of angst I am probably due for some good things just based on the law of averages. But honestly I kinda feel nervous.

I can't be sure if good things are happening because I am making them happen or it's just a cruel joke from the universe and any minute I may go back to the pitiful circumstances I once found myself in. I sure hope it is the rewards of hard work and determination, and let us not forget the incredible support from others that are making these good things happen.

I feel excited yet cautious. I hate to let a moment like this pass without thanking someone , or something, for fear that the goodness will go away. I am beginning to take some calculated risks therefore I am really nervous. Afraid that perhaps I still can't trust my own judgement. There was a time when I was so lost that my judgement was not to be trusted, now I hope that I have regained some of the reason that was so far away from me.

Don't get me wrong I have made some good decisions in my life, it's just been a really long time.

Is worrying about something bad happening gonna bring badness? Does expecting good bring good? I cetainly don't know the answer to those questions but just in case I am gonna err on the side of caution and say that a lot depends on your thought process.

I am going to expect good things. I am going to be thankful for the goodness. I am still however, going to be cautious.

Women and their wicked female spawn

Warning for men, this post is about a woman , her spawn and PMS!

I remember when I first started my period I was emotional for about 5 days before it started. I would cry at the drop of a hat. When I got into my 30's I became bitchy any little thing could set me off. Now that I am in my forties, there is just no telling what I am gonna be. I could either be emotional or bitchy. For instance, last month I cried because my son would not go see the movie "Up" with me. This month I almost took out an employee and a nurse with my wicked forked PMS tongue. I prefer bitchy.

It's a good thing I prefer bitchy because my 16 year old daughter is pretty bitchy the few days before she starts too. Here is her example...She was driving with me in the front seat and her brother in the backseat in an area she was not familiar with. The exit we needed was coming up so I said "You need to..." I was cut off with her wicked forked tongue, she said " I know what I am doing and where I am going". Right before we were to miss the exit I said "If you know where you are going then you know you are about to miss your exit". Wowza! The rant that followed was amazing. As she struggled to get into the exit area the devil woman exclaimed " Just quit talking! I swear to god I am gonna ram this vehicle into a retaining wall if you don't stop talking!" So I then said, "Are you about to start your period?" Her reply " I DON'T KNOW!".

The next day she started her period and the first thing she said in the morning was " I really owe you an apology".

Now normally I would never allow that sort of talk to me, but I knew what the deal was because she is from my loins. I was just super glad she recognized it the next day. I did however discuss with her that next month when she is ready to ram the car into a retaining wall or is tempted to tell me to shut up she might want to check the date on the calendar first.

We had a great laugh as I mimicked her devil like behavior and even shared a tear (from laughing so hard, next month I am sure it will be tears of emotion that cannot be explained until we check the calendar).

It's a damn good thing we don't have our periods at the same time!

Bad Day, Sure as Hell not Today!

I spent years in a career that I enjoyed for the most part. At least I enjoyed it for the first 12 or so years. The final 5 years I did not enjoy it at all. In the final 5 years it brought me nothing but angst.

Fast forward to now. It is not the highest paying job I have ever had, far from it actually! But I can pay my bills and afford to buy something for myself or children once a month (notice the OR in that sentence!). But here is what I do get that I have not had in so many years that I hate to reflect...I get such satisfaction, gratitude and a feeling of accomplishment!

My job has been one of taking something that was sub par to something great. Yes, I said great! I had a review of my facility today that put me over the moon! One of my supervisors called me at home to congratulate me, another one emailed me on my personal email to tell me what awesome feedback he had.

My employees were perfect, yes absolutely perfect. The area that I thought I was weak in (clinical notations), the review specifically mentioned how impressed they were with those same clinical notations that I was so concerned with.

Besides having so many pats on the back for myself, I was able to tell one employee that if he keeps up the good work he is doing that he will be the next manager when I move to district. The thrill he felt was almost as good as the one I feel myself.

I know I will have a bad day at work eventually but it sure as hell wasn't today!

I made someone cry...sort of

Remember that post about how I wasn't gonna make anyone cry over dishwater or anything else to do with work? I guess I am gonna have to recant that.

I made a 20 year old guy tear up today. Not cry but he did tear up. This guy has worked there for a year this August (he has worked there longer than anyone else). The midget used to really ride his ass, she couldn't stand him. I never could understand why. He is a hardworking son of a gun. But, he would screw up a lot when the midget would watch him work which would give her ammo to yell at and berate him. She never gave him credit for going above and beyond the call of duty regarding every single aspect of his job. She seemed to enjoy cutting him down.

I have a different approach. I do point out mistakes and criticise any sign of laziness. I critique every single meal that leaves that kitchen and I am serious about cleanliness. On the other hand I praise good work, and I praise it loudly and boldly. With this particular individual (20 year old guy, who by the way lives on his own, no help from mommy and daddy. Mommy works there too). I moved him from nights to days so that I could keep an eye on him and offer some positive reinforcement. As he performed better I began to teach him some things about the management side. He flourished. Not only is he his constant hard working self, but now he has a vigor about learning the business.

It has been a little over 30 days since I moved him to days. Today I gave him his annual review and I gave him a $1.00 an hour raise. He now works his ass off for $9.00 an hour. It made him tear up. He shook my hand , teared up and just kept saying thank you and telling me that I can continue to count on him.

That was a good reason to make someone cry. Next week will be a whole other story. I am gonna have to fire an incompetent cook who is also a single mother. I better enjoy today, next week I won't have such a warm fuzzy feeling.

What I Now Call, My "Recovery"...

This time last year I couldn't see a future, now I can't see an end to all the exciting possibilities. What a difference a year makes and what a difference people make.

With encouraging words and actions there are people that have made a real difference in this last year of my life. People I never would have believed could or would. My ex-husband David, my long lost newly found cousin Misty, my long time friend Rhonda and my new friend April.

Each of these people contributed in their own way to what I am now referring to as my "recovery". My recovery from the brink, from depression, from hopelessness. I no longer cry from utter sadness and misery. I no longer see only the obstacles. I am no longer fearful.

My ex-husband David has provided an endless ear and an understanding that comes from being at the brink. We both know what it feels like and I don't see either of us visiting it again. He has known me all of my adult life and he knew what I needed to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He provided a safe place for me to be and took over a lot of my personal responsibilities until I was able to handle them again.

My long lost newly found cousin Misty miraculously appeared at a time when I really needed her wisdom. She doesn't know that her blog saved me from committing the unspeakable act of suicide. The pain she expressed over her sister's suicide kept me from taking that step. I could clearly see how people are affected instead of only seeing the relief I thought it might bring me. I won't ever consider that option again.

My friend Rhonda. She suffered greatly in her own personal hell but kept going and never once judged me or criticised me for the choices I had to make. She just kept being a friend. She got me out of the house when no one else could. For a while she was the only person I would answer the phone for.

My new friend April helped me get into my new career and has spent hours sharing her knowledge. My new friend April loves me for the person I am now.

This last year has been riddled with ups and downs. Last year I didn't feel very fortunate. This year I feel like a really really lucky girl and a really really happy girl!

Thanks Friends!

The Midget and the Caveman

Well, my weekend with the midget was great fun! The man that she introduced me to started out ok. Not entirely unattractive, but not really my "type" either. But I kept an open mind. It slammed shut pretty damn quickly when I realized he was something of a primitive man (insert caveman).

The first night all seemed well but I knew this man was not for me. I was sure not to send mixed signals but also to continue to have fun. That night as I settled into the couch and right before I was ready to doze off the yahoo walked up to the couch and said "Woman, you can sleep in here if you want" and he pointed to his bedroom. I said "Thank you, I'm good."

Now most people might think that would have sufficed, not so fast. Caveman had another alluring and seductive proposal. I need to set this up for you a bit first. I have very long hair, well passed the middle of my back. When I sleep at night, I tend to put my hair in a long braid, which is what I did that night...

Caveman must have thought it looked just right for pulling me to his bedroom. I felt a tug of my hair and then the next charm riddled proposal "Hey! really come on in here and sleep. (tug tug on my hair) come on woman." I sat up quickly, turned on the lamp, looked him square in the eye and said "I am not so easy that a caveman can do it". I will give you a minute to let that sink in.

The following day he wanted to discuss if I was attracted to him or not. I told him I wasn't but that it had been fun hanging out with him as part of the group. He kept on about if there was any one specific thing that he did that perhaps he could make up for. I told him that besides the obvious, calling me woman and pulling my hair, that I didn't think he was used to dating smart women. Well, that must have really insulted him. He wanted to play scrabble to prove that he was smarter than me. Instead of demeaning him any further with what I was certain would be a sure win on my part. I declined to play and said "Not necessary. I didn't say you were not smart, I said you are not used to smart women".

I stayed the second night and this time he tried a new approach. He sat at the end of the couch and started to rub my feet. Now something like that really has a much better chance of working, but after the initial caveman approach I just couldn't get interested.

This morning at 6:00 a.m. (my scheduled departure time) he kicked the couch and said "Hey woman it's time to get up".

It sure made me glad that the foot rub didn't work either!!!

April's Day

Today I am going to spend with the midget (I love that she lets me call her that). She will be leaving for LA next weekend. You may recall that she wanted me to meet this friend of hers that she and her husband are staying with until their move (the fixup, yahoo, whatever you want to call it), I decided to change things up and not make it about that.

Today will be her day. She is the only one that works in her family since her husband's injury two years ago. She doesn't say it, but I am guessing it has been a huge undertaking for her, I might even call it a burden, she never would. She doesn't really buy anything for herself, ever. But this week I went shopping with her to help her choose the dress she will wear to her son's wedding. While shopping she commented on an outfit that she really wanted but did not get as she was spending so much for the wedding outfit. Then again the next day she commented on it again saying she really might just have to break down and buy it and hide it from her husband.

Again, I tell you today will be her day. I am going to buy that outfit for her. I am also going to buy an enormous amount of chocolate covered donuts. Donuts are her weakness. She doesn't drink or smoke or have any other bad habits. But chocolate covered donuts are her vice of choice. So I will make sure there is a multi tier cake of chocolate covered donuts, wrapped gifts, and the sappiest card I can find. I am even going to a small town's celebration of it's founder for her. I can't think of another person I would endure that kind of torture for.

Sappy is not really my style 90% of the time. But last night when I was thinking about the midget moving I got really sad. We have become such close friends that I hate the thought of her not being part of my day.

She has been a huge supporter of mine in the changing of careers. She "gets" me. She laughs at all of my jokes and stories until tears stream down her face. She even gets genuinely upset when I tell her a sad story. She never pities me, she always offers encouragement and she shares her dreams and fears with me as well. We can be completely honest with one another without hurting one anothers feelings. All women know this is quite a feat. How many girl friends do you have that can tell you that you look fat in an outfit without pissing you off? LOL.

Well it's time to buy the donuts and prepare myself for my last weekend with the midget.

4th of July

This is the second year in a row that I have done absolutely nothing for 4th of July. This year I missed not having a bar-b-que and fireworks. My son was gone to visit grandma, I worked and my daughter stayed home as she is grounded for life.

Next year I am going to have a big celebration. I am not gonna let another fireworks holiday pass without recognition (I know it's not really about the fireworks, but...). Hopefully my daughter will be ungrounded (not holding out much hope for this) as she is the resident pyromaniac. I want lots of people, some dangerous yard games (lawn darts), great festive food and of course a fireworks display to impress all within a 25 mile radius.

When I think about it, I have had very few 4th of July celebrations that I actually enjoyed. Oddly the one I liked best was just me and a good friend of mine sitting in lawn chairs in the driveway drinking beer and watching everyone else's fireworks (sorry kids). We chatted with all the neighbors, clapped at the big explosions and just hung out without a care in the world. Then we walked to the park to watch the "big show". Met a lot of fun people, walked back to my house and called it a night. I wonder what he did this 4th of July? Maybe I will invite him next year.

It's weird how a holiday can remind you of someone you haven't thought of in years. I'm gonna try to remember all of the fun people next year and host that party.

I think I thought this same thing last year...

It's a gift, really, it is

I am taking my daughter to work with me tomorrow. She will be volunteering at the nursing home. Her duties will probably include, helping to serve their meals, helping them read their bingo cards, reading to them etc. Or, just plain talking to them.

Whatever her duties will be she will not be under my direction and this is important at her age. She needs to be under someone else's direction and she needs to feel the rewards of helping someone, not for money or any other benefit, but just for helping.

She is extremely sensitive, I am sure she will be saddened by some and laugh with others. There is a strong possibility she may also even be frightened. Whatever it is, I assure you it will be an experience she will not forget. This is a gift from me to her. She may not think so now, but I hope later she will view it as such.

She tells me tonight that she is excited and nervous. I wonder what she will tell me after her day tomorrow...

I'm Done

Perhaps it was 20 years in sales that conditioned me to be nice to people that are well, just not nice people. Or maybe it is that there are what I call "comedically challenged" people (actually i borrowed this phrase from the husband of a friend of mine, I love it though) that just can only see the serious side of life and can't have a good laugh to save themselves. Whatever it is, I am not going to do it anymore, that is, be nice to people that are not nice to me. I have had it!

I have been guilty of befriending those people that no one else wants. I used to think that there were redeeming qualities in everyone. It may be true but too often the poor qualities of an individual outweigh any redeeming qualities they may possess. People will use you up, suck you dry of your niceness. It has taken me years to realize this. Too many years. I am done with the niceness sucking people that only want you to be as miserable as they are.

It's enough already! I am too old to put up with miserable, immature, niceness sucking people. I am so done.

Whew! feels good to get that out.

At least there is a lake...

So I talked to the yahoo tonight (oh, I mean the fixup). He was not that good at impromptu conversation, too bad I see that as a negative immediately. Anyway, here is the plan. Once you hear it you may better understand my true hatred of the whole situation.

My midget friend sold her house and her and her husband are staying with this yahoo until after her son's wedding and then they are moving to Louisiana immediately thereafter. This yahoo lives 45 minutes from my work place and an hour from my home. Not this Friday but next, I am travelling with her to the yahoo's home and staying the night, as it is in the boonies. I am assured by the yahoo that I will have a wonderful time as he lives on a lake and has a firepit in his backyard (I suppose he has been told I am the fishing, camping outdoorsy type). So to be honest it doesn't sound bad. The yahoo further says to me on the phone, "No pressure, let's just have fun". Well ,hell, now I feel pressure to have fun.

Ok, now it is apparent to me that I am actively looking for reasons to hate him. Truth is, he was actually quite nice on the phone and probably said as much as he could not knowing me. So now the question is, "why in the world am I looking for things to hate before I even meet him?"

Well, it just so happens I have an answer for this. And the answer is: Because as I have said previously " I hate everyone equally". Now this is really just my inside joke but there is some truth to it as well.

But now that I know he lives on a lake and has a firepit in his backyard. Maybe I can still find some redeeming qualities in him, at the very least, I just might enjoy some fishing and good friends.

Actually, it sounds pretty damn good. I'll let you know next week how this goes.

I dread the day...

Before my favorite midget friend moves, she is insistent that I meet a friend of her's and her husband. It's a fixup. I am not interested. I hate blind dates or friends trying to fix me up for a multitude of reasons but by far the biggest reason is...I always hate the person my friends think I will like. I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings. I don't want to hurt the blind date's feelings. But I am anti fixup, period. In 10 years I have liked one person that a friend fixed me up with, and I didn't know I was being fixed up. Maybe that's the trick, just don't tell me!

It seems to have worked for the people that I have fixed up, but never in reverse. I am not sure that any of my friends really know what it is that I like in a man. I think my friends think more of what they would like for me, or for what they themselves like rather than what I like. Regardless of what it is, I just plain don't like the fixup.

In the end I will probably end up meeting this guy. Oh how I dread the day! Seriously, I dread it. Let this be a lesson to all of my friends...If you are trying to fix me up, DON'T TELL ME! Just do it.

My Horse

Dreams. I have long bought into the notion that dreams tell us something about our subconscious selves. My latest dream is about a horse I discovered tied to the front porch that I had neglected for about a year. I had not fed the horse, exercised the horse, had absolutely forgotten the horse...until.

In my dream, a family that lived across the street (mom, dad, and 4 children) came to bring me a casserole and it was then, when I answered the front door that I saw and finally remembered the horse.

When the family left and it had sunk in that it had been a year since I had cared for the horse, I took the casserole to the horse, to feed it for the first time in a year (except for what little it must have received from eating the lawn which was also in disrepair). After feeding the horse, what little it would eat, I attempted to put the reigns on, there was no saddle only a blanket. I wanted to exercise the horse, to love and care for the horse. The horse did not fight me and was grateful for the attention. But the horse collapsed after only a couple of blocks. I got the horse back to the front yard and noticed the family that had brought the casserole were out in their yard.

I went to speak to them, hoping to explain why I had neglected the horse for a year. They offered no criticism, they only offered that they could take the horse to exercise it when they exercised their own horse. I completely rejected the idea, afraid they would keep the horse or the horse would like them more.

This dream so affected me that I was compelled to search for an explanation of the horse in my dream. Here is what I discovered:

The horse is your "power" your "strength" . It is true that for a year I have neglected my power and strength, but it is not dead. I have recently accepted help from "the family"; my own. I am feeding and nurturing and apologizing to myself for the neglect and abuse I have inflicted on myself (my horse if you will).

I know all of this may sound like hooey (wow, I'm getting old using the word hooey lol) but to me, it makes perfect sense of the dream. I'm just glad I noticed and remembered the horse before it was too late.

Two Parents and a Teenager

There is a real reason for two parents. One parent alone cannot always be the voice of reason, particularly with a teenager. If you do not have children you are probably thinking that you would always use reason. Ha! A teenager/parent relationship is the most difficult relationship I know of, and I have known boyfriend/girlfriend; husband/wife and child to parent( me being the child); employer/employee (and vice versa) etc.



Still being the parent to a teenager beats all. As a parent your goal is to raise the best adult possible. You hope that in a certain amount of time you have nurtured a child and taught a child the ways of the world and that they will be self sustaining with few defects. That's the goal.



My daughter is challenging, she is 16 years old (say eek with me lol!). She is a LOT like me (I'm not saying that's altoghter a good thing, but not entirely bad either). What I like about her, that she has gleened from me, is that she is hard to sway by peer pressure (no drugs, no alcohol, no sex). I like that we have had candid conversations about all of the above for years. She knows that she can tell me about experiments, which she has, she knows that she can tell me when she thinks it is time for birth control, which she has. BUT.....



What she finds it hard to do, is take responsibility for her actions. EEK again! I am the same way in many circumstances. Tonight she tried. She wrote me a letter telling me some things about her attitude recently that she thought I should know. Ok, good start. I'm a mom and take that admittance with the humility I know it was given.



Her father on the other hand, is very analytical (thank god!). In this particular situation his analytical side definitely beats my mothering sappy side. In other words, he is not wrong.



Even though we have been divorced for 10 years I still appreciate his ability to parent. I don't always agree with it, but isn't that the point to having two parents? You don't have to agree, but someone inevitably has a better "take" on the situation than the other. In tonight's case, his take is better ( you have no idea how hard this is to admit). Instead of being overly sentimental, as I have occasion to do with my children, his analytical side won out in my view.



But I think that is the purpose of having two sides. To LISTEN! to the other parents viewpoint. Tonight I listened and I agreed.

This is for my daughter and her father, he is not wrong!

I would die for some nachos

The past two days have been super hot and muggy. Actual temperature about 97 degrees with tropical humidity levels. It's enough to wear you out. It certainly isn't weather a sick person should sit out in, much less exert energy in....unless they really really want a snack (keep reading).

One of the residents at the nursing home died today. He was 56 years old. He ate himself to death. He was 5 ft 11 inches tall and weighed 428 lbs. His medical charts were all about edema (fluid retention) and his diet was supposed to be no added salt, no gravies, sauces etc. If you recall my post "What's a little salt?" it focused primarily on this individual.

He was on oxygen constantly because the fluid around his lungs constricted his breathing.He could no longer walk much on his own. He was mobile because of his scooter. Yesterday I saw him at the local convenience store. He rode his scooter chair there, all the way, about 3 miles (one way) in blistering heat and humidity. When I saw him at the store I asked him what he was doing there, his reply "I felt like a snack and a Dr. Pepper". I reminded him of his diet and told him I thought we should call for the nursing home van to come and get him. Of course he declined and said he knew he needed to quit eating the junk food but it was his vice.

That vice killed him and so did his family. His family members would bring him his favorite foods all the time (cheeseburgers, nachos, chicken fried steak, potato chips, cookies), knowing how dangerous this was for his health. Today his heart gave out. The fluid built up around his heart and squeezed it until it stopped working. He was in tremendous pain the last 4 hours of his life. Death mercifully took over at about 10:30 a.m. this morning.

Knowing how young he was and what killed him sure makes me want to change my family's menus. I've seen death, but this is the first time I have seen death by eating.

Working on It, a Parent gone wrong

Sometimes all you can do is "come through in a pinch". I have 3 children. My oldest one I am no longer close to. My youngest two I am close with. I worry that I have damaged the oldest one. I was a very young mother, he was always closest to his father and grandmother.

I am trying to repair this relationship but feel I am blocked at every attempt.

So now I begin to wonder; Am I doing enough to repair it? Inevitably the answer is no. I have only myself to blame. It is extremely difficult to know what to do. What do they want from you that you are not doing? What can you do better? How can you erase your mistakes?

There is certainly no easy answer to these questions. All you can do is come through in a pinch. For instance, my oldest son is having a hard time financially. I send him about $200 a month. It's not much but I feel better sending it anyway. His father tells me that it helps our son a lot and that he is thankful for it. I don't hear from my son about it. I don't hear anything. Not even a "fuck you". I certainly don't blame him there were instances in his life that he probably can't forgive me for. Even if he did forgive me, what kind of a relationship would we have? It has now been a year since we spoke. He didn't answer me for Thanksgiving or Christmas. The last time I spoke to him was his birthday, a year ago.

I had to call today to ensure that he received his bday card and the money that I enclosed(2 months later). His father assured me he had and that he had encouraged him to call me. No word yet.

I keep thinking about my mistakes with him as a mother. Dreadful.

Even if I never regain a relationship he is still my son and I love him. That, I suppose, is the best that I can do. Just keep loving him and coming through in a pinch.

My friend the midget

I have this saying, if you will..."I hate everyone equally". I'm not sure if I mean it or not but it does put everyone on the same playing field with me. In order to be friends there must be something really special that I connect with. I rarely connect with someone enough to call them a friend.

If you are one that reads the blog often then you will certainly remember the post about the midget that interviewed me. The midget and I have become really good friends.

I feel comfortable referring to her as the midget because that is how she refers to herself. Her name is April and she is an intelligent hard working woman with a tremendous sense of humor that has raised 4 boys, all over 6ft tall by the way, her husband of 20 years about 6'3. ( I mention that because if I were you I would be curious.)

Almost everyday the midget and I drive around a bit so that I can smoke a cigarette and she can get out of the building for a while. I have been to her home for a party and to meet her family. We have great, wonderful deep conversations about our current and former lives. We talk about our families, relationships, work etc.

I no longer even notice that she is a little person, except when I have to reach something for her or I get in to drive her car and have to adjust the seat lol. And she does not know me "when". She knows me for the person I am now. Believe me there is a difference in now and "when". I'm grateful to have friend that loves me for who I am now and does not compare me to my prior life.

She sees no limitations in her world and has been successful in her career. She certainly has done a good job personally in my view, married 20 years (second marriage), the mother of 4, the grandmother of 3 and planning another wedding for her second oldest child.

She is from the south, as am I. She from Louisiana, me from Texas (yes, she has that cajun accent). And yes there is a sort of bond with southern women.

I want to give you an example of her great humor...The other day a rather crass employee said to her that she looked like she just jumped out of a clown car. Her reply " I curse you! Your first born child will be a midget!" He was panic stricken, afraid that maybe she had some special power LOL. He vowed to name his first child April if only she would take the curse back. I was rolling with laughter. She did not take the curse back.

April is moving July 3rd she is going back to Louisiana. I cannot tell you how disappointed I am that she is moving. I am so going to miss our daily outings and nightly chats. She assures me she will keep the same cell phone number, but you know how it is when a friend moves. You lose that daily communication and those things you have common at work.

I mourn already for my friendship with the midget. You sure are big in my book! Love ya April!

A really REALLY good moment

What a child will say....My 16 year old daughter told me tonight that she does not mind being "just like me". It took me a moment to catch my breath and to ask her why she thought that.

Her reply...

"Because you can overcome anything, You always just say whatever and keep going".

Just when I thought I was letting my children down for not being that "perfect" person she said that to me.

What a great hug we had. What great tears of gratitude I showed my daughter for seeing something I thought her too young to see.

This is one of life's really really good moments.

For my Best Friend in Her Dark Moment

I talk a lot about "weeds". Well I have a new take on "weeds" (depression; depressing thoughts, depressing things that happen to you etc). This post is really for my friend that is going through a tough time.

This spring I noticed two weeds that looked different from the rest. As I cleaned up that garden area I decided to leave the two weedy things thinking maybe they might actually be something. Turns out they are the most beautiful flowers I have seen in a long time, wish I knew what they are.

So anyway, the weeds that turned out to be beautiful flowers got me to thinking about other things related to weeds. Take roots for example, they are normally born in darkness, some water, but most buried deep down in the dark. The beautiful flowers had to start with roots at some point, and look at them now. Anyway, my twisted little mind began to equate all of this weed/root/beautiful flower thing with dark moments in our lives.

I'll bet this is where some beautiful things start, just doesn't seem like it at the time. It's the same as if you only saw the root of a plant, you wouldn't know exactly what it could be until it had gone through the whole growth process.

My final thought...Something beautiful can come from your darkest moment, you just don't know what it is.

The Power Struggle..continues??

I sure am having a lot of deep thoughts tonight. Actually this all started last night and I can't seem to "shake" the thoughts so maybe writing them down will help. I'm guessing my long work weeks are beginning to make my personal time more personal. I have been doing a lot of personal growth kinda work, this shit sucks. So here goes another deeply personal revelation...



Before I tell you what this earth shattering revelation is, I am already aware that those people that know me well will read this and say "No shit Sherlock, you sure are dumb, took you long enough" but here it is anyway. I have been thinking a lot about relationships, probably because there is one in the early stages of formation right now. I am so leary of entering another romantic relationship I am probably over analyzing the hell out of it. But I had this thought last night, ready here it comes...Most of my relationships have not been based in love as much as they have been in a power struggle (friends that know me, shut up and stop laughing lol!!).



At some point I must have really enjoyed the hell out of the power struggle, I like to win at everything. Obviously based on my long term relationships, the more difficult they were the better I liked them. Wonder why that is? That will require more self work ugh! I wonder if knowing this about myself will make the next relationship easier or harder? Harder in the fact that now that I know it can I control it? And the same goes for why it might be easier, now that I know it I won't actively seek it.

So then the next question is; Do I choose people that will be active in the power struggle or do I force them into the power struggle? I am guessing there is a bit of truth to both sides.

In reviewing my past relationships here is what I find may be the cause of my attraction to the power struggle...hate to blame the ex hubby's but....the first two were abusive physically, I fought the first one back like a tiger. The second one I could never win the fight so I just sort of gave up. Hubby number three, hate to tell this (he reads the blog) but...we had a different sort of power struggle (probably 2 or 3 going on at the same time). In hindsight I think we were competitive with one another, career wise. He pretty much won that one, but I sure had my "victories". He controlled all of the finances and would complain about small purchases but was a hell of a gift giver! Go figure. I think he also wanted to "tame" me to a certain degree (this will make for fine conversation with him later LOL) and of course I didn't want to be "tamed", at least not by anyone other than myself. I'm still not tame, less fierce, but not tame by anyone's standards.

So for the recent romantic "prospect". First you need to know that he is my boss, can anyone say power struggle? Can anyone say huge mistake? We do not work closely with one another, only see each other a couple of times a month. A lot of email and talking on the phone, and some inappropriate work "meetings". So this is why I am analyzing what I am doing.

Seems like the same old power struggle to me...

Perfection as a Goal

For many years of my life I tried to be perfect. Perfect by my standards, not yours. Perfection to me meant a lot of things, good looks, wealth, expensive clothes, good looking well to do man, etc etc. I now know why those things defined perfection to me, because they were so far from what I grew up with. But here is what I have learned; get ready it's deep...lol

If perfection is your goal (regardless of your definition of perfection) give it up. The goal of perfection is usually lethal because it is never met. Then the feeling of failure sets in and causes extreme personal pain because we are always comparing ourselves to how we could be if we were perfect. I read something once that said "Perfection rapes the soul". I did not understand it then, I do now. Perfection does not allow for true feeling, it's a plan that will always fail. You miss a lot of good stuff trying to be perfect. Instead of feeling you are always struggling for that goal.

When we are very young (and naive) it is easier to always try to be better than we are. When we are older it gets harder to be who we are and accept that this is probably it, as good as it gets. I have a theory though, if we were to just accept that this is who we are there might be far greater happiness. To just live in the present and stop trying to change all the time, I'm guessing the pressure that would be released would be a wonderful experience.

I wouldn't know I'm not quite there, it's just a theory...

It's Not Nice to Fool Mother Nature

I love music. Just not the kind of music you probably like, no one likes what I like. I like old country i.e. Conway Twitty, Johnny Cash , Charlie Rich etc. But lately I have found a new station I like. If you are in the Omaha, NE area give it a try. It's 101.9 KOOO. It is classic pop hits. On Sunday this station played the 1973 ( I was 5 years old)Top 40 Countdown hosted by Casey Casum (spelling?). Elvis was still in the Top 40 believe it or not. Paul McCartney was number 1, I was not impressed with that week's countdown. But it was fun to listen to.

This radio station takes me back with every song it plays. Most songs are from the 70's and 80's that were in the top 10. A song came on the other day that really really took me back. It was from the first album "set" I ever bought. The first album "set" I bought was Don Kirschner Presents....the song I am referring to is "Hot Child in the City". Anyone but me remember that song? I loved it! Try to picture me loving this song...I had to work in the kitchen and that song came on, I started dancing and ooohing and ahhing and I remembered every single word, so of course I had to sing it as well! The youngsters in the kitchen started dancing too, only I am pretty sure they were laughing at me and not with me, super fun though.

Now I have the older people in the kitchen listening and the nurses come up and say "Is that Eye of the Tiger?" lol...yep, everyone is liking it. It reminds people of where they were and what they were doing when they first heard a particular song.

But the radio station has started another phase...now people are remembering commercials that no longer appear on television. The latest one... remember the commercial that said "It's not nice to fool mother nature"? I will give you a minute on that one. I racked my brain for almost a full day trying to remember what the product was they were selling with that tag line.

Ok here is where I really want to drive you insane. You know damn good and well you remember the tag line, but not the product, right?

Here is a clue, it was a "butter" product. LOL

So now we all play a game called "Guess that commercial"...for instance, what was the the tag line for the indian with a single tear at the ocean?...I won't make you wait, it was "Keep America Beautiful".

If you think of any commercials with a good tag line, let me know so I can drive my staff crazy.