I sure am having a lot of deep thoughts tonight. Actually this all started last night and I can't seem to "shake" the thoughts so maybe writing them down will help. I'm guessing my long work weeks are beginning to make my personal time more personal. I have been doing a lot of personal growth kinda work, this shit sucks. So here goes another deeply personal revelation...
Before I tell you what this earth shattering revelation is, I am already aware that those people that know me well will read this and say "No shit Sherlock, you sure are dumb, took you long enough" but here it is anyway. I have been thinking a lot about relationships, probably because there is one in the early stages of formation right now. I am so leary of entering another romantic relationship I am probably over analyzing the hell out of it. But I had this thought last night, ready here it comes...Most of my relationships have not been based in love as much as they have been in a power struggle (friends that know me, shut up and stop laughing lol!!).
At some point I must have really enjoyed the hell out of the power struggle, I like to win at everything. Obviously based on my long term relationships, the more difficult they were the better I liked them. Wonder why that is? That will require more self work ugh! I wonder if knowing this about myself will make the next relationship easier or harder? Harder in the fact that now that I know it can I control it? And the same goes for why it might be easier, now that I know it I won't actively seek it.
So then the next question is; Do I choose people that will be active in the power struggle or do I force them into the power struggle? I am guessing there is a bit of truth to both sides.
In reviewing my past relationships here is what I find may be the cause of my attraction to the power struggle...hate to blame the ex hubby's but....the first two were abusive physically, I fought the first one back like a tiger. The second one I could never win the fight so I just sort of gave up. Hubby number three, hate to tell this (he reads the blog) but...we had a different sort of power struggle (probably 2 or 3 going on at the same time). In hindsight I think we were competitive with one another, career wise. He pretty much won that one, but I sure had my "victories". He controlled all of the finances and would complain about small purchases but was a hell of a gift giver! Go figure. I think he also wanted to "tame" me to a certain degree (this will make for fine conversation with him later LOL) and of course I didn't want to be "tamed", at least not by anyone other than myself. I'm still not tame, less fierce, but not tame by anyone's standards.
So for the recent romantic "prospect". First you need to know that he is my boss, can anyone say power struggle? Can anyone say huge mistake? We do not work closely with one another, only see each other a couple of times a month. A lot of email and talking on the phone, and some inappropriate work "meetings". So this is why I am analyzing what I am doing.
Seems like the same old power struggle to me...
Malicious Extrapolation
9 years ago
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The first step to fixing any repeating issue is recognizing it.
ReplyDeleteI always found myself in relationships with men that devalued me; hard drinking, partying guys. After the second divorce, I decided to deliberately pick a man that was different. I won't say it's easy; but we've been together for 13 years and most days I still love him.
I'll probably be hated for this comment, but my observation about your relationships is they were more based on the sexual aspect and the power struggle was something forced on them to try to get you to love them. The harder they tried the more controlling you get.
ReplyDeleteAnd power struggles weren't just limited to love relationships.
Your boss, gee, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. I's say you need to do some more analyzing on where affairs with the boss have gotten you in the past and if you're really interested in a good healthy relationship, pick someone that you don't work with. IMHO, and since you're putting it out there for comment, I'll take the opportunity to give it.
btw, good for you for realizing you are in the same old pattern.
ReplyDeleteThe btw comment saved you LOL thanks lettingo
ReplyDeleteWell, no one is perfect (see previous) but progressing to the point of self discovery and seeing the things that are destroying a persons happiness thru self destructive behaviours is one of the hardest things a person can do. Especially when the people who have loved and cared about you could see it but when a person is not open to others constructive critisism the only things friends can do is turn away and hope that eventually that person will come to it on their own after enough bad shit hits their fan. Some never do, some late in life.
ReplyDeleteI am happy for you that you are coming to these realizations and hope that someday you will welcome some of those friends who have loved you and watched you suffer your demeons without being able to do anything, and that you have shut out, back in.