I miss my daughter

I have spoken often about my almost 17 year old daughter. She has always been one of the great joys of my life. But recently she has taken to some strong rebellion. I understand this is part of the growing up process; want to make all of your own decisions and have freedom etc. But it is not quite time for all of that. So we butt heads a lot.

Lately I have been completely ignoring her. I am so disappointed in her behavior that I am afraid that if I open my mouth nothing but ugly comments will spew. I lost my patience with her last act of rebellion and said some things I now regret. Therefore, I keep my mouth shut. I don't even speak her name, I don't speak to her directly at all. This has been going on for about a week.

I made a very telling remark to her father the other day. I said, "I should of just named her Lori and gotten it over with". By the way, my name is Lori.

One might be of the impression that if you are raising a child that is exactly like you then you would know how to "handle" them. Heads up for new parents, it is kinda the opposite. What I am finding to be true is that I know the mistakes I made and want her not to go down that road. I have been an extremely different mother than my own mother was, and the problems that she has are not identical to the ones that I had. But, the stubborn, hard head is identical. So is the certainty that she knows it all at her very young age. I know in her mind she doesn't think she is that young and believes she knows more than me.

She probably thinks I am "out of touch" with what "todays" teenagers think. What she doesn't know is that "todays" teenager is absolutely no different than a 1980's teenager. She probably thinks I don't understand her pressures or that I make a "big deal" out of what she considers to be not that big of a deal. It's a big deal, I'm old enough to know the consequences.

I am trying to figure out how to "get through" to her without breaking her spirit or alienating her further. I want her to know that I am "on her side" but that my mothering instinct cannot be absent. I want her to understand that if she feels the need to be "grown" then she must make decisions that reflect that. I can let go of my little girl and let her become the woman she wants to be but only if she demonstrates some grown up decision making. So far, not so good. I will compromise because I am old enough to know how, but I don't think she is old enough to know how to compromise. So far, not so good.

I miss our chats on the patio. I miss our chats lying in my bed watching some absurd thing on MTV. I miss my daughter.

I hope this is just a "phase" for both of us and we can get back to good. Otherwise with my hard head and her hard head this could be the beginning of a very long silent period.

I miss my daughter.