Hocus Pocus She Won't Lose Focus!

I can feel the anger subsiding, I feel sanity making its way back. I have been so consumed with my daughter that it has been difficult to focus. That consumed feeling is evaporationg so I'm sure it's about time for her to fuck up again (Oh I shouldn't even think it!).

I went to a motivational seminar a while back and one of those adages was brought up that is always brought up at those things. Something like thinking it will make it real only in clever rhiming verse. So I have decided to use that same thought process with hopes of visualizing good behaviour from her and hoping it becomes reality:

She will be first class and not a dumbass!
All her love for Josh now she sees is hogwash!
She prefers watermelons over juvenile felons!
She would rather play in a fort than go to court!
She would rather work overtime than actually do time!
She will work double to make sure she doesn't cause trouble!

Now these are just completely off the top of my head without any real thought process whatsoever.  I am gonna visualize and hope to realize these as truths!

Day 15; She's Back

On day 15 the cops called and said that they were bringing my daughter home. She's back, but for how long?

I gotta be honest with you, when I knew she was coming back I felt about it two ways. First, relief. Second, doom and gloom. The doom and gloom because I know this is not over yet. I am so pissed off at her and disappointed in her that it is hard to convey. I know it may be hard to understand that I am pissed off at her but it is because her actions have been so damned Stupid! I am pissed at her stupidity and lack of a morsel of sound judgement. I am now at the point where I just want her to graduate from high school and then I will let her go, even before the hallowed age of 19. Just freaking graduate and cause as little heartache as possible between now and then.

I think it is the most heartwrenching thing to watch a child make their life so hard. She doesn't know how to get out of her own way. With a bit of luck we are at the tail end of her angst riddled teenage years.

This just sucks...

Day 9

Today is day 9 of the runaway child. Here is the info I have from her so far:

She says she needs to find herself and that she loves me.


That's it. That's what I have.  Unfortunately, she is not legally old enough to find herself. In Nebraska it is not age 18 it is age 19, so she has just over a year before she can go on her journey. On top of all of this the police are looking for her for a couple of reasons. I think she is gonna find herself in a world of trouble.

I am kind of passed the being mad mark. At this point I just can't believe how really stupid she is acting (oh yeah she also said her "stupid teenage years" are here, she has no idea how right she is on that one) and how much trouble she will eventually find herself in. I know she has her asthma medicine, or at least she says she does, I find it hard to believe anything she says these days.

I'm rambling, lack of good sleep I'm guessing. Emotions running rampant.

Increasingly Worried and Angry

There are just some things that you can't bring yourself to post about. In my case it is the issues I am having with my daughter. I won't be revealing exactly what she is doing, but I feel compelled to express myself of some real emotions.

First there is worry then there is anger after that a tiny hint of guilt. That's it, those are the emotions that are overwhelming me lately.

I am worried about my daughter. I am increasingly angry at my daughter. I wonder if her father and I went wrong raising her.

I really wish I could say exactly what is going wrong with her but it is truly embarassing to be this childs parent right now. I would not want anyone to judge her based on these actions and I don't want anyone judging me because of her actions.

Her younger brother is extremely upset and worried about her, this effects her not. Her actions have effected everyone in the family so negatively. Some hard decisions are gonna have to be made about her immediate future....really tough choices.

What the hell, here it is....she ran away. My daughter is runaway.

Imagine a Droid

I am gonna have to recant what I said about Twitter. After last night, I am officially hooked on Twitter. I figured out the whole Twitter thing and now I love it. I suppose it is a lot like Facebook only way less time consuming.

Last night I was able to connect with Bill Maher from Real TIme on HBO and one of my all time fave movies/documentaries Religulous. Also connected with Joy Behar from The View. Reading their  tweets was hugely interesting and in Bill's case seemed quite personal.

Once I understood how to use the system I couldn't get off the site. I know what this is leading to...I am gonna break down and get on Facebook. Dammit I just know it! I have steered clear of that for so long but now I am sure I will cave. Especially now that my phone also has Facebook capabilities.

I am being swept away into the sea of technology and not hating it. It's weird in a way. Being so open to technology  suddenly I don't feel quite so old and stodgy. If this is what a Blackberry does for a person can you imagine what a Droid would do?

New-Fangled Gadget

I have moved into the 21st century. I bought a Blackberry. You may recall my dismay at not getting phone or Internet reception in my converted motel/liquor store/duplex/apartment. No longer an issue. I changed carriers and upgraded the phone. Oh the things the instruction booklet claims this phone can do!

I feel certain I will never know the full capabilities based on the fact that it took me 2 days to send a text and 4 days to be able to get onto the Internet using this new- fangled gadget. Today I was able to sync my email to the phone, not near as technical as it seemed. Now I can get all those ads for SINGLES and Hot Horny Housewives right on my phone! No need to check my computer email for those enticing Nigerian bank offers, they come to the phone. Oh the things this gadget can do.

I also signed on for Twitter. What a complete waste of time! I honestly do not know the purpose of that crap. Sending out a single thought to no one in particular and for no reason at all. It's not really a place to vent properly as is blogging.  Twitter gauges for you the amount of words you can use to get your point across, so it ends up being just an outburst, it shuts you up so you don't have to do it yourself. Liken it to turrets if you will.

I guess the bottom line is even though I will never know all the capabilities, even though it seems a whole lot of useless crap, I love that damn Blackberry!

Biggest Loser Contest

It's official. I have decided that I cannot lose the weight that I want to unless I am competing, therefore, I am organizing a Biggest Loser contest in the facility in which I work. The contest officially starts July 1 and will go until December 1. After having the sign up sheet posted for about 15 minutes, I already have 6 signatures. I expect by end of week I will have 20.

Each person will pay $20, teams will be formed by random drawing and only weight percentages will be posted and not actual weights of the contestants. I will be the official weigher so that only 1 person really knows how much you weigh.

At the end of the contest the winning team gets all the money.

This is either going to be one of the greatest things ever, or totally embarassing. I'll let you know.

Small Dogs and Full Length Mirrors

Someone killed a small dog in my bathtub!! No, not really. I just shaved my legs. I usually save the shaving of the legs for sex, but summer came before me (I am guessing after this post that winter will come before me too!). Today I decided to "dawn" a pair of shorts, dawn is the right word because it was a bit like the sun peaking out, so bright my legs are.

But that's not the real story here. The real story is just how damn lazy I was about the shaving process. After a good 30 minutes in the shower and 2 disposable razors later, I would say I am a bit patchy. That's right patchy. A little patch here and a little patch there that I was just too lazy to worry about. I am not one of those women that only needs to shave to my knees ( you lucky bitches!) I am the variety of woman that needs to shave from tips of toes (yes hair grows there) all the way up to the vaginal area proceeding  around to somewhere between my shoulder blades. This description is only a tiny bit of an exaggeration. I am cursed with the bohemian woman's hair.

I did not notice the patchiness until I decided to apply some self tanner, to tone that glow down. As I stood naked in front of a full length mirror and quickly (the faster the better, did you read full length mirror??!!)applied the self tanner I felt some furry spots. As I was not wearing my glasses so that I did not have to fully appreciate the image in the full length mirror, I decided to put them on to see exactly what I had missed. Here is where I wish I were brave enough to post a photo. I am not sure one can truly appreciate the sloppiness of my shaving without a visual. The only thing I can liken it to is this...say only my legs had cancer and they were the only things affected by chemo, ergo the only place hair would fall out. I have a few patchy places that a hairclip would have no trouble holding on to..inside of thigh, one long strip up my right calf, something of a crop circle behind my knee.

I almost got back in the shower to finish the job but I am afraid that my drain just can't take anymore.

I think tomorrow I will pick up some Liquid Plumr' and a real razor.

Crime and Punishment

This is gonna sound crazy to those of you that are crazy. But here goes…I believe there must be a victim to be a crime. Crazy huh? I would only amend this rule by saying that those below age 18 or deemed mentally retarded are exceptions (for children’s rapists etc).

Other than that, there must be a victim for there to be crime. That means…if you do drugs and don’t steal, you are immune. If you drive drunk and don’t cause property damage or personal damage, that’s right, you are immune. If you sell drugs to those over 18 and not mentally retarded, that’s right, it’s legal.

Whew! I know it’s a lot to dissect but let’s try. If it just pisses you off that your spouse is drunk or high on drugs, guess what no crime. If you cross the yellow line while driving high or drunk, guess what, no crime.

I say all of this in the spirit of saving money for our country for real things such as poverty, hunger and those types of insignificant things including social security. Let me elaborate…

There are studies that suggest that over 70% of all individuals incarcerated relate to either, drugs, DUI or prostitution. Now break that down, over 12 BILLION dollars a year is spent on the war against drugs. This war started with President Nixon and his classification of drugs. This is ONLY drugs, not prostitution or DUI. On DUI there is approximately (no one knows for sure) another 5 BILLION spent on trying to catch those driving over the yellow line. The additional funds for police officers and state patrol on New Years, St Patricks Day, Labor Day and 4th of July actually total more than this, but use it as a general figure.

I can think of a multitude of other projects to use these funds. Not to mention the revenue the country would get if you made now illegal drugs legal. For instance, the tourist dollars..enormous! The money now available to feed our own starving people; funds now available for defense against Al Quaida and the Taleiban; money now available to help our wounded soldiers; create jobs; healthcare; save small businesses ( a bailout if you will) for those small businesses that create over 60% of all new jobs. This is only the beginning of what we could use all of those BILLIONS for.

Now ask yourself…Would you use drugs or drive drunk or prostitute yourself if it was legal? The answer, probably not if you don’t already. Why? It is not in your nature. Doing drugs, driving drunk come with addictions or seldom occurrences, not a daily habit. The legalization of these things does NOT make them more prevalent, it just makes them legal. You won’t become a prostitute because it is legal nor will you become a drug addict or a full blown drunk. You either are or aren’t these things. However, we could all use a tax break and health insurance that we don’t have to pay for.

It’s just plain mathematics and human tendency. Currently our system punishes those that do little more than punish themselves. Don’t get me wrong…if there is a victim, then there is a crime in which you must be punished. But the key is there must be a victim, abusing yourself does not constitute a crime.

I get to be the Hero

With Monther's Day fast approaching and my daughter and I not really getting along I felt the need to remind myself that my children do love me. The following is not fiction. I feel the need to say so.

My favorite youngest son wrote the following about me for a school project. The school project was about "your hero". Mind you this project was a couple of years ago. I have kept his work as most mom's do, but this one is a bit special. He is not a verbal sort of child; very different from his siblings. So this in particular meant a lot...

In very childlike handwriting the title says "My Hero is My Mom".. then he goes on:

""My mom puts me and my sister before herself. She's also really good at Texas Hold 'Em. She called her mom "mother" and she hated her mom. So if we call her mother she hates it."

That's really the jist of his story. But then he has to answer questions on a paper that his teacher has handed out. Here are his answers...

Hero's Name: Lori Jensen (mom) she is very loving. She hates to be called mother. Comes to my basketball games.

Background Information: born: San Angelo, TX ; has a type of diabetes; married twice (had my step brother Derek) footnote: he got two of these things wrong

Examples: She got me my first basketball hoop so I could play whenever I wanted to.

What your hero means to you: I love her very much. My life would be  messed up without her.

Conclusion: My hero is the most loving and thoughtful person I know.

That was the intro to his paper. Now the final comments from the writer, my son David...

My mom! She is the best ever! Especially if she cooks chicken, it's the best chicken I have ever had. Anyways she also has style...well not exactly, that's why I do my own shopping. She will always put a smile on my face everyday!


Ditto kid, you always put a smile on my face too!

Fully Functioning Turn Signals

My 1996 Pontiac now has air conditioning and no longer leaks power stearing fluid. Trust me when I say this very closely resembles outright giddiness. On top of that I no longer have to operate my turn signal manually! Yep folks it seems to be the little things these days...

Those turn signals got me to thinking about life in general. As I no longer have to manually operate those turn signals in the car, so my life seems to be taking the same route. Good shit just seems to be happening automatically, just like those damn turn signals! Stay with me I know this seems deep, maybe not so much but play my little game with me anyway. There is no manual force turning things around now, it is just happening on its own. For instance....

I moved into my converted motel/once upon a time a liquor store and have met two really great people. New friends if you will. I have someone to play cards with and share my day to day happenings with and BONUS her husband is a mechanic that doesn't mind his wife spending countless hours with yours truly.

To add to this new friendship I am actually going on dates. Maybe it's the hair (I forgot to report that I love it and it looks fab!). Now steady yourselves but I am also able to pay my bills without too much trouble! I know I know crazy huh? Wait for it wait for it there is more...I now have health insurance! Is this crazy or what? It's like I am living the life of real live 41 year old woman.

I still have a few hurdles to deal with that I really don't feel like putting in writing. But I must say that I feel confident. It's still that guarded  kinda confidence, but it's definitely confidence. Sneaky little fucker confidence is...must be handled with kid gloves so as not to become overly confident (see last years posts).

In closing, let me just say that I feel like I have fully functioning turn signals BUT they could go at any moment. I'll enjoy them for now. My car may be a 1996 model but I am still a 1968 model.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I have mentioned on a few occasions the length of my hair. It is long, really long (the pic is getting old..). My hair currently stretches below my waistline, picture Cher of the 1970's. It has never been this long in my life. This length is not something I consciously strived for. My entire adult life I have been very conscious of my hair. The reasons stretch back to childhood as most unusual things tend to. As a very young child my mother kept my hair very short. I recall at the roller rink skating to KC and the Sunshine Band (dating myself I am fully aware) another girl asking me if I were a boy or a girl. That comment/question stuck with me. I continued to have no say so over my various hairstyles including the 'Dorothy Hamil' another short hair look and the "oh help me forget" the curly perm look which with short hair is very reminiscent of a sheep's look.

It was odd, all of the women in my family except for one aunt always had short hair. I distinctly recall my younger sister and I wearing slips (an old timey thing women used to wear under skirts) or a towel on our heads pretending it was long hair and belting out tunes such as "Delta Dawn" (oh God why do I continue to date myself?). It was only at about age 12 that I was finally allowed to begin to grow my hair out. About the time I started looking like a girl my mother savagely cut it all off in a fit of rage to teach me some sort of lesson about flirting. I remember when she took me to the small town beauty shop to have it evened out her saying "I didn't do a bad job". I will never forget that comment as my hair at the time was a jagged mess almost above my ears and clearly showed the rage she felt at the time. It wasn't but 2 years after that incident that I married for the first time. At 14 and married I could have long hair if I so chose. Whew! what a reason to get married huh?

Fast forward to my adult years. I spent hundreds of dollars each 6 weeks for hair color and fabulous haircuts. I must say I had damn good looking hair.

Now things are different. My not so private struggle with depression lead me to quit caring for myself as I once did. As of today I have not had my hair cut since November 2008. It was long then, grows like a weed, and is super ass long now.

Tomorrow will change all of that. I am having my hair cut, minimum 10 inches and giving it to "Locks of Love". Locks of Love is an organization that makes human hair wigs for women with cancer. Sounds pretty damn nobel of me doesn't it? Not so fast.

My latest self discovery is that I am finally cutting my hair because I somehow believe that if I do I will begin caring for myself again. I do, I really believe it.

It is not so much like the bible character that would lose his strength by cutting his hair, it is the opposite. I think it is one of the many steps I must take to gain my strength.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Twice the Humor of a Gravedigger

I'm outside again. This time it is about 30 degrees...burr...At any rate it is too cold to read your blogs. I'm so sorry I swear to do it when it either A) gets warmer so I can be outside longer B) I can get a better connection. For the time being I can only spend a few moments venting about my own world, god or allah or whoever knows I know need it!

To update you, my two teenage children hate me. If they don't they should be actors and receive academy awards for performances that mirror children that hate their mother...Enough to say they are teenagers and leave it at that.

Second, I think I am going straight to hell for taking advantage of others. What I mean is that I am receiving a promotion based on the fact that I have sworn to the holy gods of dietary profession that I can teach almost anyone to be as profitable as me. I think I sold myself out on this one...Let's all collectively hold our breaths to  see if I am even remotely close to being as smart as I profess....I have my own doubts.

I am now taking on 3 buildings, nursing homes that is. My big plan of action, to show the world they can all make money..ha ha health care reform just passed, again hold your breath.

I will need a new vehicle to travel to the new buildings. It seems that I will drive an additional 400 miles per week and all for an additional $200 per month.Based on that alone I am a CFI (certified fucking iditot)..

On top of all of this crazy dumbass crap...I have agreed to go on a date with our district housekeeping manager. Two degrees the man has, two times less hair than Kojak. Twice the humor of a gravedigger. I am desperate..

Talk Later...

Back Again!

I'm back! Picture me outside in a breezy 50 degrees in Nebraska. Yep, there I am trying to get my wireless to find a signal. Found it. But it can only be found outside my new home. My home that is for about another 6 months then off to my new destination I go.

I really like the new duplex/converted motel/was once a liquor store place. It is 3 bedrooms one bathroom all new in the last 2 years. The front lawn is really a parking lot (see above converted motel/once upon a time liquor store). I do have a backyard that consists of a small fenced in area with a view of some farmers land and a pond that I plan to sneak over to and go fishing one day. Until then...

I have been painting the new place...why you ask if I only plan to be here for 6 months? Good question. My answer might not be as good. I just want it to feel like home when I walk in the door from work. If by home you are now conjuring up visions of railroad tracks about 100 yards away then yes this would be the place. Now there is not just railroad tracks, there are honest to god trains that transport on those same railroad tracks perhaps 15 times a day! Being a small town I suppose that Union Pacific railroad does not consider those that live within a 100 yards of their fine ferrying train. I say the following: thank god it is only for 6 months! It is truly brutal to live next to those fine folks of Union Pacific.

Well anyway, starting to get chilly in the backyard of my duplex/converted motel/once upon a time a liquor store.....be back soon!

Baby brother getting married

My baby brother is getting married tomorrow. He is 31 so I guess I trust his choice. Some weird stuff here though, at least weird to me. He met his bride online they talked and chat for about 7 months, then met in person for 2 weeks, now getting married.

The ceremony will be at the court house at noon. I will be the only family member from either side in attendance. I think I will be the only person besides them and the judge.

It feels good to know that I can share this time with him. I wish him good luck. As most of us know marriage is no picnic. I hope that the lack of time spent with this woman will not have an unhappy ending.

Time will tell.

Guarded Excitement

To date there has been nothing more hurtful than looking at a home that I loved emptied of all my belongings and the new owners sitting on my/their fireplace waiting for my final exit. The pain of leaving a home and life that I loved behind has stayed with me for years.

Now, after almost 4 years I finally feel some peace regarding that day. I guess you could say I have just now put it in its proper place, the past. Why now? I suppose time has something to do with it. But more than that it is that finally I have a future somewhere else. I had always pictured my life lived out in that house until I wanted to leave for something better. That is not the way it happened. I had to leave that house for financial reasons, and did not go to something better.

My financial present is changing rapidly. I hate to get too excited about it because I know the twists that life can bring. But I do have guarded excitement. My career is going extremely well, a large sum of money that has been owed for years is finally starting to be paid to me. My living expenses are far below my earnings. It has been almost 10 years since that has been the case.

I am not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination but I have a peaceful, low stress existence, at least compared to 4 years ago.

I honestly never pictured a way in which this was possible. I couldn't imagine then how I could "rebound" from such personal and financial disaster.  Even up to as recently as a year ago I couldn't picture how it would be done. Again, I maintain guarded excitement. I hang on to the healthy fear that things could always change. That is probably the biggest lesson I have learned through all of this financial and personal upheaval, I am not immune to the worst the world has to offer.

I will continue to maintain the guarded excitement, but on the inside there is a little me that is jumping up and down for the joy of living life again.

4 years has been a long time to be in such pain. I hope I never have to revisit that life lesson again.

Trading the old for the new

It seems like I just moved. Well, I am doing it again! In 3 weeks I will move into a duplex and then I will move again within 6 months! This time I am only moving until I am transferred, so a temporary thing. So I will be storing the major portion of my things until I make the move for the transfer, which again will only be for approximately 1 year, again sort of temporary. After that year I am supposed to move again to one of 3 locations of which I will not know until the actual time of the move.

It boils down to moving 3 times in a year and half. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I wonder how those military families do it? I'm guessing the trick is to take it one move at a time. I think I am gonna have to pare down my items. For starters, I think I should sell my pool table. I don't really want to move it that many times. Plus I haven't used it for a while anyway. Next I have a very expensive glass dining table. I think I would like to keep the chairs and sell the glass table. It's likelihood of being broken is just too great. I'm pretty sure I am past that glass phase to boot. A nice sturdy wood table fits my perspective life better.

But first and foremost...I am going to go thru all my clothes, paperwork and keepsakes. Time to throw some shit out! Kids old toys gotta go! Books I have read and never wanted to part with, off to the nursing home they go!

If I can actually do this it will be a good start to simplifying my life in general. My sense is what I will really be doing is making room to collect new stuff.

Oh well new stuff for a new life.

Elusive Sleep

Last night I tossed and turned. Went so far as to look online for a self hypnosis site to help me get myself to sleep. It worked for about an hour. Than I woke again. And did it all over.

This morning I was tired and cranky. Then boom! Good news happened. It resolves the flux in my living  situation in a wonderful way. It opens me for any possibility as far as transferring goes. It affords me 6 months before I have to even consider making a move. Thus relieving my conscious of being separated from my children immediately. On top of all of this I also got a new brown leather sofa and loveseat for next to nothing. I have been wanting some new furniture.

It seems that rest and sleep should be imminent. I doubt it though. Now I'm too excited for sleep.

Still waiting for sleep and peace.

Grateful for the Cry

There is nothing like a good cry. I had one tonight. Not over what you might think. I cried for an olympic ice skater that lost her mom to a heart attack on Sunday and skated for 3rd place tonight. I cried as if I knew the poor girl with no mom. I cried wanting to tell her that even though I am not her mom, I am a mom. I wanted to tell the girl that I was proud of her. I know, crazy.

The cry released the tightness in my chest, it allowed me to breathe. It's been a couple of weeks without that tightness.

I'm grateful for the cry but seriously sad for the girl.

Anxiety

Just when you think you are normal...or doing better, or getting ahead or whatever. I feel a backslide in progress (is that an oxymoron backslide/progress?). I feel it in just about every area of my life right now. I guess if there is anything I could say it would be that I am consistent. I seem to always go back to this feeling. Lately I wonder if I shouldn't go to the doctor and see if I am a candidate for antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication. I hate that I might be "that person". The one that needs medication or even thinks I may be. I carry a lot of baggage around with me about my mother and that same issue...medication for mental and/or emotional issues. The last thing I want to do is be the one that relies on a pacifier for mental health.

I'm gonna pass on that doctor visit for now, but it's there, the what if.

I can't distinguish between what is normal mood swings and what I am experiencing. I am gonna rationalize that what I am going thru is a process normal for someone that is in a constant state of fear after being wrongly jailed, in a constant state of flux as to my job and living situation. I will rationalize that once these things are dealt with that I will no longer feel this anxiety. I have used the term anxiety so much I decided to look up the definition in the dictionary to see if it really is what I am feeling. Here is what it means per Websters:

1 a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill b : fearful concern or interest c : a cause of anxiety 2 : an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it


That pretty much sums it up. It's just an emotion that must be dealt with. Yep, I'll skip the doctor.

A Simple List

I have had anxiety for the past couple of days. I believe I have located the source. There are a lot of things that need to be "fixed" both literally and figuratively. I know the answer is to fix what needs fixin'. I feel overwhelmed and don't know where to begin.

Where do I begin? What is the most important? I can't decide even these simple things. So I decide to create a list of things that I feel need fixin'.

1. Mop entry and clean bedroom
2. Visit facility and town where I may be transferred
3. Payoff loan
4. Get a haircut
5. Do laundry
6. Clean out car
7. Go thru files at work
8. Start a diet
9. Complete some school work
10. Do some grocery shopping
11. Collect monies owed to me


These are just some of the things on my mind. If I could only get these done the anxiety would surely leave. Or would it? Does anxiety come from other places or is it this basic?

I guess I won't know unless I get this list completed.

Waiting

Today I was supposed to go see the facility in Iowa that I will potentially transfer to. I didn't go.

Perhaps I didn't go because I had a funfilled evening with friends (read: too much to drink). Or, perhaps I am not sure it is the right thing to do. Do we ever know if what we are doing is the right thing to do?

I am 41 years old and still don't trust my judgement 100%. That could be the result of a few huge mistakes on my part. But I reason that you can't live this long without some mistakes. I'm not sure that everyone's mistakes are as big as the ones that I have made or perhaps they are right in line with the mistakes that everyone else makes just to me they seem huge because they are mine.

Perhaps my real fear is that I am being selfish. I am missing excitement. Is there anything more exciting than moving and changing your whole life? I haven't done that in 11 years.

I suppose I will sit back and wait for what the world has to offer. No rushing the universe, no rushing me. Just waiting...waiting for the answer to hit me in the head.

Valentines Day

Well, I suppose I must post the much anticipated "How I Spent My Valentines Day". This will be short.

I played bingo with the residents at the nursing home.

Now if that is not pathetic enough. They beat me, and cheered and laughed about it!

Feel the love....lol

Winter Olympics

I love the Olympics. There is always incredible human drama. Tonight was no exception. Alexandre Bilodeau won the first ever Gold Medal on Canadian home soil. The elated eruption when it was clear he won gold was palpable. But above and beyond that is the wonderful story of his relationship with his older brother. The whole story has had me in tears of joy for not just their country but the relationship. Alexandre's brother has Cerbral Palsy and is mostly confined to a wheel chair. Alexandre says on the days when it is hard to get up to train he thinks of his brother that is not able to ski. This is his motivation. He calls his brother his best friend. To see the disabled brother celebrate for his new gold medal winning brother was emotional for anyone watching.

Just a really cool story.

Im Free

All is well. I am not in the pokey. I barely slept the night before (as you are aware) and I was tired, agitated and aggrivated when I did go to court. Thank goodness court only lasted about 15 minutes otherwise in the state I was in I'm afraid I may have let all my frustrations spew forth.

I no longer trust the legal system at all.

Well anyway, I did go out to celebrate my freedom. My staff and other members from the facility in which I work congregated for a night of karaoke and spirits. I had nothing to do with the karaoke with the exception of cheering them on, but I had something to do with the spirits. Enough so that I have made a day of recovery.

Now all I have to do is get over the fear of ever having to experience that again!

Doom

I was just relaying my story of incarceration to a friend of mine. It was disappointing. I could tell that she didn't believe me. She was distant and in a hurry to get off the phone, She did a whole lot of that "hmm, yeah, ah hunmm" stuff. I have known this woman for more than 10 years. I am more worried than ever. If she doesn't believe me, then why should anyone else?

Maybe I am just paranoid. But at any rate, I truly believe that she thinks I am guilty.

I can't sleep and I think the world is against me. This is real true paranoia. The kind that freezes you and makes you believe that you really are guilty. I see no good coming from this.

I hope tomorrow I have a different post for you. The kind that makes nonsense out of everything I am posting tonight. Right now it doesn't matter.

Even in the eyes of my friends, I am gulity...Doom, it feels like doom.

Whole 'Notha' Level of Scared

Tomorrow is my court date to show that I own the insurance agency (for which I was arrested for cashing the checks for). Even though I know I am innocent and free of any guilt...it doesn't feel that way. I am nervous, scared and worried. A weekend in jail will do that to a body. I fear that I will somehow be taken away in silver bracelets again or that I will need additional evidence or something that will drag this out. I have been unable to rest. I can't tell you what a horrible feeling this is.

Reading this it might be easy to say "Oh you're innocent. Everything will be alright". But keep in mind I already spent a weekend in jail and I was innocent...this thought does not leave me. In short, I am worried the system will somehow work against me. If you have never been in this position, and it is a fairly good guess that most of you haven't, then you don't know the fears it feeds. I think about all the people that are incarcerated or even have death sentences and they don't deserve them. I think about the man released a few years ago after spending 30 years in jail and then finally they found the "real" killer (this happened right here in Omaha).

People I tell ya' this is scary shit. I like to think I'm tough but this is a "whole 'notha' level" of worried. I am trying to use the positive thinking approach. You know the one where if you think good things they will happen. But I am sucked back into the negative. Easy to understand, again I say I have already spent one weekend in jail over this!

So, if you don't hear from me for a while...you will know why.

Nacho typical Superbowl Party

Woo hoo Go Saints! Love the Superbowl. To me it is the third major holiday next to Christmas and Thanksgiving. So today while at the nursing home I asked what sort of party was planned for our residents. The answer, nothing. What!!? Are you fucking kidding me!!? Nothing!!? Completely and totally unacceptable in my mind. So I decided to throw them a party.

We had bean, beef and cheese nachos. Sour cream, ranch, bacon and chive dip with chips and veggies. Little smokies in a secret sauce that was all the rage. Unfortunately I could not provide beer so they had ginger ale and sherbet punch. They all had such a marvelous time and I kid you not when I say they cheered my name and gave me two ovations for the party. It was so invigorating it was like I was high all evening. I even changed the dinner menu to sloppy joes for a more festive dinner. I jokingly said "Whoever has my Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader unform please return it so I may wear it tonight" Huge laugh and then I said "No nevermind, I want y'all to be able to eat". It was like I was Jerry Seinfeld holding my own comedy show (maybe you had to be there).

At any rate, two count them two ovations. That was good for me. But what was really good? They had the most fun ever. Cool.

Demographics and Dating

I still have moving on my mind. I need to go and check the town and facility out. I have heard about the facility and I looked the town up online. The median income in the town is $41,000 a year. Average age is 37.5 years and 40% of households are single and it is less than 50% women. Population in 2006 was about 27,000 people.

It sounds pretty good. I could probably live pretty well there, the age is about right and the fact that 40% of households are single is a bonus for a single gal like me. Knowing that the town is middle America, less than 50% women could signify some good ole' boys out farming and ranching...hmm, not hating that, I like a manly man. My salary would be more than the average so that would be a plus. On the other hand, back to that single thing. I'm starting to picture unshaven, pig smelling, manure on the boots kinda men. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But how many of those men are looking for a woman that can work on the farm? I'm starting to guess a lot. I could be that woman but only on the weekends and only when I felt like it, wouldn't want to do it because I had to.

My boss tells me I would only need to be there about a year. Something tells me that could be a very long year...

C'mon Kids

Here is what I know about me. I love to believe that I can help others. For god's sake I work in a nursing home. But more than that I truly believe that I can relate to the troubled teenager and genuinely help them. Seriously, what are the odds that I can? Let me take a non-scientific guess, ummm zero? Zero is probably right. But in my mind I think back to my own youth and what I wish that someone had done or said for or to me. I try to remember that teenagers' brains are not fully formed and that is why they make crazy fucked up decisions. I also think that they don't have many people that care about them on a real "people" level. I believe that most "grown ups" tend to confuse teenagers with kids. Huge difference in my mind.

In another life, one in which I was not the role model of "what not to be" (based on my own life experiences) I honestly believe that perhaps I should have been a teenage counselor or perhaps I would have been a great foster parent for teens. But instead I do my own brand of counseling that I am not sure is the best. Let me clarify...

I openly give advice to teens with a troubling existence. I have to question if what I say to them really impacts them on a positive level or am I just stroking my own troubled teen self. Is it possible that our teen years can be so scarred that we try to heal ourselves through other troubled teens? AND in the process maybe I am so scarred that the words I give in trying to help them is really not helping them at all?

I am thinking of particular individuals...my daughter for one (I believe her father thinks she is a lost cause) her friends, including her boyfriend are what any sane grown up would potentially call a "lost cause". I on the other hand think I possess a real responsibilty to encourage that "troubled" teen instead of beating them down.

I guess I love the strays, the ones that everyone else dismisses or believes that will be the grown up loser, I am probably the loser. But being a loser makes me think that if people had believed in me I would be a winner. Whether I am right or wrong it doesn't really matter. I believe in befriending and encouraging the ones that no one else will.

I hope I live to see one or all of those teens blossom into something that no one else thought they could, something incredible, and definitely not a loser.

I suppose that if I feel even a teensy bit responsible for a wayward teen believing in themselves, it somehow makes me a winner too.

C'mon wayward teens, make me a winner through you...sad but perhaps that is the goal. My own redemption through the successes of others.

Ahh Freedom

It is just today that I feel like I am even remotely myself again. That little stint in jail really took a toll. Until last night I had been unable to sleep since Saturday (the day I went in). My sleep patterns consisted of an hour here and there, and not the good REM sleep either.

The first night back in the house every little sound startled me to the point I would bolt up and look around, give a huge sigh recognizing I was no longer in jail.

Driving, oh god driving! I am in a panic every time I see a cop now. I fear they are coming to get me. The paranoia has been pretty intense. But finally today..ahhh. I slept last night, some good sleep. Had a very perky sort of day. I am almost 100% back to me again.

Today got a letter from my attorney. I am to meet him prior to court to submit to him my evidence that I own the insurance agency. I am starting to feel much better.

It's snowing again and I am loving it as opposed to hating it as I would have a week ago, because I can SEE it!

Ahhh freedom...

Jail Bird

Long weekend to say the least. I was arrested for insurance fraud. I spent part of Saturday, all day Sunday and most of Monday in jail! I did not even know the reason until Monday when they (the jail guards) took me to court in the jail. It appears that Lori has been cashing checks for an insurance agency...well, guess what? That is legal. I own the agency.

So I spent all that time in jail and I did nothing illegal. I was released ROR (for those not in the know, it means Released on your Own Recognizance).

Here is how it went. Cops show up at my door Saturday say they have a warrant for insurance fraud. I tell them they have made a mistake. They say it is for checks over $500 but below $1500. I tell them that I used to own an insurance agency but have never committed fraud. They say there is enough evidence for a judge to issue a warrant. So off I go in silver bracelets.

I was not even to know exactly what it was about until I went to court on Monday (today) to hear my charges. When I heard them I said "Yes, I cashed those checks because I own the agency". The judge, perplexed, says "You do?" I say "Yes"; she says "You own it solely?" I say "Yes". She says I am released on my own recognizance and that I have until Feb 12th to prove I own the name. No problem. I ask why I was arrested for this without any notice. They say they sent me notice and I did not respond and that is why the warrant was issued. They sent the notice to an old address,hmmm they were able to find me at my new one though???? I'm more than a little pissed now but still ecstatic I am no longer in jail. Even the words are hard to type. The problem is...

The problem is that I missed work and had to explain all of this to my boss, actually 2 of my bosses.  All is well, or so it seems (one of them even says we need to exchange jail stories, can't wait to hear his). But I have in the back of my mind that they are now gonna be "looking" at me to see if I am in fact a criminal. I suppose worse than all of that is that my daughter had to pick me up from jail today. How humiliating! I had to explain to the kids. My daughter and her boyfriend each had letters to give me that they wrote today, in case I didn't get out of jail. It was pretty heart wrenching stuff.

I can't write anymore. I am enjoying my bed instead of concrete with a thin veil of foam. I enjoyed Popeye's chicken instead of some mystery meat with rice on it. I am enjoying a night of no tears, trust me when I say there were plenty of those!

Well, I say sincerely, Good Night!

Itty Bitty

I am already sad. I look at my hands while I type this and trust me, I have those "mama hands". You know the ones that look like they have diapered a million times. I have those because I have diapered a million times.

When is it ok to say that your children are grown? Once upon a time I thought I knew the answer to the riddle. I don't. In my opinion you no longer know the answer when they need you the most. When they were little bitty children, they needed me to guide them and teach them. and help them through a scabbed knee.  Now that they are older, they need me to soothe a broken heart. Which is more important? I ask you to choose.

I choose neither. I think being a parent lasts forever. How can I possibly say that now they are OK without me? I can't.

How can I move now or ever without my little itty bitty children?

Where?

I talked to my boss about movement within the company. Here is what I got...

1 year in a po'dunk town in Iowa (for pretty damn good money) and then off to one of the following three locations:

Madison, Wisconsin
Indianapolis, Indiana
St. Louis, Mo

The promotion to any of these three locations would be a really really good one. The one to the po'dunk town in Iowa is sort of a "paying your dues" type of thing. But what is really getting me is that to move would mean that I would be leaving my kids with their dad. I was crying on the way  home from work just imagining it.

I spoke with the kids' father, we spoke in depth about all types of situations and ways to solve the problem. I just can't imagine being without them full time. He reminds me they are not young children anymore and that this is an economy where we can't be too choosy. This is a great opportunity and could lead to some real security. But in the end he says he too will be looking for a new job. Not just for mine and the kids sake but for his as well. Turns out he is not very happy with his job and thinks he will have to move to satisfy his income desires.

This little drama has only begun...

New-Again

Well I have definitely "grabbed the bull by the horns" with my new-again ambition. I completed 2 chapters and 4 quizzes for school today. Everything seems urgent. After so long of not having a sense of urgency it is truly invigorating.

I have rewritten this part of the post so many times because each time I write something it sounds pompous and a bit haughty. That is not what I want to convey. But there is no other way to say it but to say...I feel like I am starting to live again on a multitude of  levels. Most important to me right now is the energetic way that I am approaching work and my goals. I have not felt this motivated and elated about my future in probably 8 years. It makes me feel alive. I was not able to really put my finger on it before. But the one thing that made me the happiest was always being the best at something. I have not been the best in years. I think I still have it in me now. At one point I thought that feeling and desire may have dissipated with age. Not true, it dissipated with depression and the feelings of defeat and despair.

In short, I feel strong and determined.

I'm More Suited For...

Someone that I haven't talked to in about a year commented on my new career. He said he would never have guessed I would be in this position. When I asked why he said that he said I seemed more suited for a high profile, big money big pressure kind of career. I haven't been able to shake his comment, for a few reasons...

He is right. I don't have high profile, I don't have big money and I have moderate pressure. But he is right about something else too. I loved a high profile career, I love big money, though I no longer love big pressure. I can't shake the thought that perhaps I should aim for more. It doesn't mean I'm not hoping for more, but I don't think I have been properly focused to gain the things that I do want. I am wanting more money and more responsibility. As for the "big pressure". I'm pretty sure that more pressure is not going to cripple me the way it would have a year ago.

I am going to finish my current certification (will be done at the end of March) then I am going to put myself into overdrive and put some of my own big pressure on my company to pay me more and give me more responsibility, otherwise I'm gonna start looking for a company that will.

I forgot how good ambition feels.

I Think I'm Flattered

Get ready for a weird one. I guess when you're hot, you're hot ( I say this sort of  in jest). After my almost fling with the 6'7 cowboy, enter a new interested party (yep I'm having a big week). SHE is about 20 years old. SHE was my waitress tonight as I ordered bar-b-q to go in a local establishment. SHE  told me about her going to school to study sexual psychology. SHE said that what interested her most was relationships between May/December people of the same sex(I'm guessing I'm December in that scenario lol).  SHE talked and talked, offered to carry my 2 bags out, begged me to come back and made a point of telling me how I reminded her of her first real teacher. SHE insisted that it was too cold to be out alone. 

Ok, so I was flattered. But, not my type and my legs still aren't shaved.

Bye Bye Little Girl

My daughter has had the same boyfriend for a little more than 2 years. She is 17 years old. I am very open about sex with my children, really any topic. This week she informs me it is time for her to get on "the pill". I told her last night to take charge and make her appointment. She had it made by noon today.

She comes in every night ecstatic about her time with the boyfriend. She tells me about their dates and some of the lovey dovey stuff. I am not a big fan of the boyfriend, but it's not my choice and he is not the real reason for the post.

I always thought it would be awkward when I knew that she was having sex (still not quite there but I'm sure it won't be long now). And it is a bit awkward, but here is what isn't. I want her to be happy and have a healthy sex life. I am happy to see her so happy. This new stage of mother-daughter relationship is gonna take a bit of getting used to, but I am thrilled that she feels confident enough to discuss these things with me. But a tiny part of me is sad to see the "little" girl go.

Now that the "little" girl is going bye bye, it means that she is gonna be subjected to some heartbreak in the romance department. I don't look forward to this at all. No parent wants to see their child hurt, but it seems especially that romantic heartbreak is a toughy for me to fathom.

On the one hand, I am happy that she is so happy and feels that she is in love. On the other hand, I don't want to see her hurt and no one escapes it.

Bye bye little girl.

What Qualifies as Excitement

It has been a different sort of week. I received an email from an old flame; I emailed back. Went out with friends and had a blast. The fact that I even went out is almost a miracle these days. Got picked up in a bar. Made contact with a female body builder that wants to train me. My boss texted me on my day off about how to make pork shoulder ( Im so flattered, he is an excellent cook in his own right).  Started online school.  Found a solution to a vehicle problem all on my own. And now I find myself looking for different people on Facebook that I haven't thought of in years.

It's all so very different. My week usually consists of work and kids and not much else. So yeah, this all qualifies as excitement in my world.

I have not had my usual anxiety this week. I feel calm, in control and just generally better than I usually do. I am not at all sure what to attribute this to. If I knew I would do more of it.

On the other hand is all of that really excitement? Or is it just how a well adjusted persons life works?

Natural Defense System In Place

Can I please release myself like a school girl here? OMG! What an awesome night! Ok, I officially feel like a school girl. Anywayyyy, I went out with my friends that I "set up" way back when. We went to a local bar with karaoke and dancing. I swear to god I ended up with the hottest guy there, Mick ( I even love the name!). 6'7; beautiful, blondish cowboy type. I danced and kissed and down right made out! Giddy I tell ya, giddy I am! Any man that can pick me up and put me around his waist has my vote strictly based on that.

But...I have this thing I call my "natural defense system". It keeps me from being slutty. I don't shave my legs when I go out. Thereby eliminating any chance of having sex with a random guy. Trust me this works! No way in hell would I have sex without my legs shaved. Therefore just because I find you amazingly sexy I will not have sex with a random stranger. Tonight I wished I had shaved my legs. I would have gladly been slutty for this man. But, never to worry, I wasn't.

You know how they say "It's the things you  don't do you later regret in life"...

I am already regretting it!

Thief

I have just been "hot pissed" (my new fave way of expressing anger, catchy don't ya think?) for the last 24 hours. Yesterday one of my employees stole $300 from my purse. I can narrow it down to 4 possible suspects. Here is what really gets me, rather hurts my feelings. Out of all 4 people I have helped each one financially. Two of the people I loaned money to; the other two are a married couple and I adopted their four children at Christmas this year.

Yesterday after cussing like a drunken sailor and threatening to fire people if the money did not show up in my desk...I finally decided that I was more hurt than pissed. So today realizing I will probably never get my money back I posted the following note on my door " Note to THIEF: Please return my money. I work hard for my money and I need it. Put the money in my desk. Blessings if you do, curses if you don't."

Now I am fully aware that will have zero impact, however, I just want the thief to be reminded they are a thief every time they walk in my door.I also want them to wonder if perhaps I do possess some sort of voodoo magic thereby cursing them (I have always wished I possessed the power to cast a spell) I suppose I could have worded it differently, but then my idea of differently would have included a lot of swear words; long stories about how I have helped each of them until finally I would have had a note as long as "War and Peace".

Do you think there is a snowball's chance in hell I will get it back??

First day of "school"

So far online school is not so good, and I haven't even taken a class yet! I tried to get into the class today, all I needed to do was type my name in. Sounds pretty easy huh? Not so much. Each time I would type in my password and name I would get a message that said password accepted, wrong name. After about 5 attempts I finally emailed my "advisor". Now I have spoken to her on 3 occasions in the past 6 weeks. Today she had no idea who I was. I gotta tell ya' I have a pretty distinctive voice and I am enrolled in a not so popular field...dietary management. She could not find anything under my name, until...she spelled it with an "o" instead of an "e". Most of our correspondence has been completed via email, my email address is my name...hmmm, makes me wonder if she has a high school education, forget about wondering about a college education.

Now I will have to sign in misspelling my name each time ( I am assured my certification will  be spelled correctly, I'm not so sure of that).

Let's see if I can get into class tomorrow....can't wait for the instructor!!

The Good, The Bad, The Iffy

Ahhh, the long lost brother that owes me money returns!! Got an email today saying he has my money when I "need it". I'm gonna leave that statement alone, it's just too easy. At any rate I am thrilled that he contacted me. As I age I find it increasingly important to have good, solid relationships. I no longer have a problem dismissing those relationships that are not good and solid. But this one has always been a bit iffy. So much of it is the age difference, 10 years. Plus I left home at 14, he was 4. I had very little to do with my family for years, when I finally did, I was reminded why I had made the decision to cut the ties in the first place.

But here we are, he and I. Both in Nebraska, miles away from any other family and we do not spend time together. There have been times that we did, when he needed a place to live, when he needed a place to work. It always seems like it is when he needs something, But then again, I suppose that is what a big sister is for. It seems odd to me that we don't spend holidays together, go to dinner or speak on a regular basis.

I think this is age talking. You learn with age that family is all you really have, so the good ones you definitely want to keep, the bad dismiss, the iffy work on.

This is one to work on.

I'm Back

This feels weird, writing my blog that is. I have been absent since Thanksgiving! During that time, my computer crashed, I went out of town to visit my cousin Misty in Texas, spent 3 days at Christmas holed up in a hotel room because of a blizzard, only to find out that I needed a whole new computer! Thank god for warranties.

That is the short version, we will skip to present day....

Today I completed the steps for online school. I have always been of the mindset that online school is not real school, we'll see. I will be attending the University of Florida, I wanted a warm climate.

Well, now that you are caught up, stay tuned I'm back!