Free Will

Lately I have been having a lively exchange with another blogger. He is what I might refer to as a staunch Republican ( I am sure he will take offense to my characterization).Let me state clearly here, I totally respect him, we all have the right to express ourselves in the USA. That being said...

He cannot understand why the Republican party has been so overwhelmingly over thrown.

How hard is it to understand that you are not being "demonized" as one of his posts suggests, but that democracy has spoken? Democracy has said, "We want equality!"

Equality is not what the Republican party, as it stands, is for. It remains in control of what I might refer to as "the good ole' boys network". Or even worse, the Christian Right. Again, believe in whatever god you want, whatever prophetic wrtitings that you want to believe in. I am not anti-Christian, quite the opposite.

I do however, believe that free will was given to all. It is not up to one sector to decide if being gay is environmental or natural. ( My personal belief, it's not a choice). It is not up to one sector to decide when an embryo is to be protected by human law( Take from that statement that I am pro choice).

Lastly, I am not what I personally would refer to as a traditional "feminist". Or am I? Is wanting the same pay and rights as another human being making me a traditional feminist? Maybe I am, but I still want my dates to    open doors for me...

At any rate, fundamentally, I differ from my fellow blogger in the following way:

I believe that personal choice should be left to the individual, not law.

Hell, even God says that free will should be the human way!

Please No Healthcare Plan!

Ok, this has to be written about. If you are NOT political you better listen up. How would you like to be made by LAW to pay an extra $100-$200 a month for healthcare?

Before I get into this, let me make it clear, I am a registered democrat. But, I cannot support mandated healthcare. Here is why:

1. I was an insurance agent for 17 years. Auto insurance is LAW is it not? However, every person that buys auto insurance pays for "uninsured motorists coverage". Why do you pay for this if having insurance is LAW? Because people that should be buying insurance don't!

2. The same thing will  happen with mandated healthcare. Let us just say that healthcare becomes LAW. You are FORCED to pay for insurance for your family of four for the nominal fee of $100 to $200 a month. How many families CANNOT afford this? The answer is MANY. Therefore, EVERYONE else will be charged for these people PLUS we will take their bare minimum tax refund checks that they use for LIVING. Thus perhaps increasing the amount of people on public assistance.

3. On top of all of this, with the new families added to the healthcare plan, it will take YEARS for doctors and hospitals to catch up. You will wait for months for simple procedures simply because of the new backlog of recipients of the health system. Care will be sub par and you will pay MORE.

I am infuriated by  Obama's insistence that he be the one that instigates healthcare. Look, I voted for the man, but there is a reason this has not been able to become a national mandate. It is NOT prudent. It helps no one. A fine imposed because you don't have healthcare? You can't afford healthcare so here is a fine that you furthermore cannot afford. Are we then going to imprison those people? A new debtors prison? This is not feasible.

Please, rethink your legacy President Obama. This is NOT the right thing. I am not the smartest person in the world, but I do know this is no mensa members healthcare plan either. It is NOT true that any healthcare plan is better than none.

This is all spoken by a true Democrat. God please let this blog reach the White House!

Really??? Women in Bikinis does it? Really?

Ok, it's official, I am boring unless I am talking about women in bikinis. As a reminder, to get hits on your blog women in bikinis and naked of pictures of women in bikinis is quite the draw.

I'm gonna test this another time. Last time I mentioned women in bikinis I got 165 hits in one day. I'm not sure if the post was because of women in bikinis or Hannah Giles in a bikini, either way...

At any rate this is a test to see if just the mention brings more hits....


Testing, testing, 123

It's a Woman thing...

I am officially into my 21st day of working with one day off. Oddly, I am super ok with that. It means I am needed.

My kids rarely need me. No boyfriend that needs me. But thank heavens work needs me. I have decided that if you are not needed then life is less interesting. I had to go and help another facility today so I was not in my own. The Director of my facility called me twice while I was gone, on the last call said he missed me and loved me. It may seem pathetic but I live for those moments when I am needed, even if it is only work.

I feel like I have done a good job with my children if they are at a point in their lives that they don't need me like they used to. But I'm not gonna lie, it is hard to watch your children grow up. So this thing of being needed at work fills a gap.

I totally understand women that have babies later in life. If I was able I  probably would have married and had another child. It's the woman thing in me. I need to be needed.

It's odd that I need to get this old to understand what makes me "tick". But I know what it is now. I need to be needed.

I sure liked being a mother to younger children...I'm old enough to miss it and too young to be a grandma. But I look forward to grandma days. I'm gonna be a great grandma...when it's time of course.

Cowboys Football and Bonding

I am an avid Cowboys football fan. I'm a girl so I don't know all the stats etc, I don't even know everyone's name. But I do understand the game quite well and enjoy the hell out of it!

Tonight is the new stadium opening game, against rivals New York Giants.

I'm pumped. My almost 15 year old son, hates them. His team is the Chiefs. Tonight will be a sort of bonding time for the two of us. I will cheer for the Cowboys and will cheer against them.

Ahhh, bonding with your son. These are the precious moments between mother and son.

Is it still bonding if there is swearing involved? LOL

How to tell the difference in Republicans and Democrats

If you are of the majority in America, you don't really know what is going on politically. You may not even have a true understanding of the difference in being a Republican or a Democrat.

Here is my elementary overview of the two parties:

Republicans: Don't want abortion; but you can have the death penalty. And absolutely no gay marriage, it goes against their fundamental Chrisitan values.However, the Republican party has a label that I am not sure they totally deserve, that of being racist. Most Democrats label Republicans as being racist because Republicans oppose immigrants and will do almost anything to try to keep them out including building a large wall that they think Mexicans cannot get passed (imagine the cost of a wall to keep Mexico out). Republicans oppose, in large part, aid to poor families. This is not racist on their part, they just don't like poor people.

Democrats: Are more likely to support personal choice such as abortion and gay marriage. However, Democrats do, in my opinion, spend too much money trying to equalize the financial picture. You know who pays to equalize? Everyone except the poor. On the money issue I tend to agree more with Republicans but for the fact that I currently fall into the poor area. However, I am one that believes that I won't stay there based on my own willingness to work hard. I am someone that believes in a straight across the board tax level, no loop holes whatsoever, for a round number call it, 25%.

Here is what makes me a registered Democrat (I used to be a registered Republican): I believe in personal choice. I do NOT think abortion is the governments concern. I do NOT think sexual preference is the governments concern or that they should have the ability to dictate who gets married. I am so passionate about these two things, that is what makes me a Democrat.

If I could have the ear of both parties I would also tell them that I absoultely abhor being told that I MUST wear a seatbelt ( I do but I don't like being told that I have to, and I hate that money was spent to make this law). I also believe that marijuana should be legal and taxed. Mind you, I do not smoke it...anymore (it makes me paranoid) but for those that do I see no more harm, maybe less than drinking alcohol. Therefore, put a sin tax on it and quit spending money to fight drug dealers of marijuana. Quit putting people in jail for weed. It's stupid and costs money instead of making money from the sin. If you can tax a tobacco smoker 100% then you can damn sure tax a weed smoker and I think there are just as many of them! BUT, and let me add this BUT, the sin tax is out of control. Why on earth are tobacco smokers paying for new roads to be built etc? It makes zero sense to me. Smokers are another sector being discriminated against. Personal choice people, personal choice.

Speaking of tobacco smokers...I HATE that this particular personal choice is being taken away. If you don't want to be around tobacco smokers, your choice. If you choose to smoke tobacco then there should be places for that. If a business owner allows it, it is his/her choice, not the governements.

Again, I am more Democrat than Republican simply based on personal choice (even though our cigarette smoking President raised taxes on cigarettes AGAIN!,, Is it obvious that I am a cigarette smoker lol?)

Message to Republicans: Want to draw more supporters? Rethink abortion, gay marriage, and oh yeah, women's rights!

Really, it's that easy to get a million hits on your blog?

I have been reading some popular blogs and one in particular explains in detail how to get a million hits on your blog.

To give you the condensed version it is this; you have women in bikinis and a lot of enemies.

Why hell, if all it takes is enemies I will just call all the girls from junior high school that hated me and I will have this thing licked.

Enemies and women in bikinis huh? I'm about to be a blogging superstar...

The Theory of Women in Bikinis

I have recently become enamored with reading some of the most "hit on" websites. I can definitely see what brings them traffic, and money. In my future posts I will be testing a few of their theories.

For now let's just say that naked women in bikinis seems to be a very hot topic. And the now ever popular, Hannah Giles in a bikini.

If you want to see Hannah Giles in a bikini you might try this site http://littlemissattila.com/.

Over the next couple of days I am gonna test this woman in bikini theory and of course the Hannah Giles in a bikini theory. I only want to see if the mention of Hannah Giles in a bikini truly has the effect that I anticipate.

If this actually works I am gonna have to find more pictures of women in bikinis.

Testing 1,2,3...

Dixie what?

I am not a Republican. I consider myself fiscally conservative and socially liberal, once upon a time known as a Dixiecrat.

At any rate I have added some new blogs that I have started following. Whether or not you agree with them is beside the point. They are entertaining and infuriating all at the same time.

Just give them a look and see for yourself.

The Permeation of Comraderie

Today is either day 12 or 13 without a single day off from work for me. I am mentally exhausted. When I get this drained I tend to be quite cranky. But thank goodness I have a staff that understands the stress level, trust me they are stressed out too. This past week I had one staff member promoted and 2 quit to go to a seasonal job of sorting corn. There was no warning of any of the three leaving, it just happened all within a couple of days. So I have staff members that are working doubles with no days off for over a week. The stress level is getting high.

The staff are making critical mistakes and I am finding them difficult to defend. Except for a single mindset that is permeating through the group. They all know we can't break now, they love their co workers and help one another in tremendous ways. This comraderie is seeping out through my facility, and other department heads are noticing the tight knit group we have and how hard they all work. So on that note something really uplifting happened today.

I have an employee that works extremely hard but due to being so overworked she made some mistakes this week that did not go unnoticed. In a meeting of department heads today her mistakes were brought up and she was being crucified. I immediately came to her defense and in a very irritated voice explained that she was the sole provider for a family of 5, works her ass off never says "no" to an extra shift, and for not much pay. I explained that this woman wraps her feet in ace bandages just to get through the day because her shoes are so poor for the job. The group began to ask questions about her home life.

By the end of the meeting the group had pitched in to buy her shoes (really good ones like I got for Mothers Day), gift cards at Wal-Mart and even a gift card to Applebees. Why Applebees? This employees 26th wedding anniversay was this month but she and her husband could not afford to go to Applebees for their anniversary dinner (2 entrees for $20) due to purchasing back to school items for the 2 youngest children.

The group prefers to remain anonymous donors and wants me to present her with these gifts. Personally, I think they should be a part of the presentation so that they too can see how grateful she will undoubtedly be.

The comraderie has definitely permeated throughout the building! What a great group of people we have!

And on and on it goes

Last week an employee of mine was promoted based on my recommendation. She will do a great job. Her life circumstances paralalled mine to a great extent. She is divorced, had been a business owner and her 50th bday is next month, so no spring chicken and now trying to start a new life. I can totally relate.

This may come as a shock but most management types do not try to help you get promoted, I guess there is some sort of fear there. Therefore, I counseled her not to fall into that trap. I told her to always be looking for the one that can move up to the next level and nurture those that deserve it, just like she was and just like I was.

I think she will do a very good job, both in her new position and in the nurturing of others.

I really like the idea of being helped and then being able to help others, and on and on it goes. It makes the suffering feel like it meant something.

Anyway, that is my feel good thought of the day.

I miss my daughter

I have spoken often about my almost 17 year old daughter. She has always been one of the great joys of my life. But recently she has taken to some strong rebellion. I understand this is part of the growing up process; want to make all of your own decisions and have freedom etc. But it is not quite time for all of that. So we butt heads a lot.

Lately I have been completely ignoring her. I am so disappointed in her behavior that I am afraid that if I open my mouth nothing but ugly comments will spew. I lost my patience with her last act of rebellion and said some things I now regret. Therefore, I keep my mouth shut. I don't even speak her name, I don't speak to her directly at all. This has been going on for about a week.

I made a very telling remark to her father the other day. I said, "I should of just named her Lori and gotten it over with". By the way, my name is Lori.

One might be of the impression that if you are raising a child that is exactly like you then you would know how to "handle" them. Heads up for new parents, it is kinda the opposite. What I am finding to be true is that I know the mistakes I made and want her not to go down that road. I have been an extremely different mother than my own mother was, and the problems that she has are not identical to the ones that I had. But, the stubborn, hard head is identical. So is the certainty that she knows it all at her very young age. I know in her mind she doesn't think she is that young and believes she knows more than me.

She probably thinks I am "out of touch" with what "todays" teenagers think. What she doesn't know is that "todays" teenager is absolutely no different than a 1980's teenager. She probably thinks I don't understand her pressures or that I make a "big deal" out of what she considers to be not that big of a deal. It's a big deal, I'm old enough to know the consequences.

I am trying to figure out how to "get through" to her without breaking her spirit or alienating her further. I want her to know that I am "on her side" but that my mothering instinct cannot be absent. I want her to understand that if she feels the need to be "grown" then she must make decisions that reflect that. I can let go of my little girl and let her become the woman she wants to be but only if she demonstrates some grown up decision making. So far, not so good. I will compromise because I am old enough to know how, but I don't think she is old enough to know how to compromise. So far, not so good.

I miss our chats on the patio. I miss our chats lying in my bed watching some absurd thing on MTV. I miss my daughter.

I hope this is just a "phase" for both of us and we can get back to good. Otherwise with my hard head and her hard head this could be the beginning of a very long silent period.

I miss my daughter.

A Sore Winner

Tuesday a nurse at my facility won $50,000 from a $5.00 scratch off ticket. I work pretty closely with this particular nurse so I knew that it was a real windfall. But I had no idea how much of one.

After gushing with excitement and showing the big winner ticket the state gives you when you win that much she broke into tears. She clutched that winners ticket and told me at the time that she won the money she was negative $200 in her checking account, owes the government $12,000, and desperately needs a hearing aid. She is 60 years old, newly divorced and pretty scared.

The joy that permeated from her was palpable. On Wednesday the joy started to subside a bit. The state immediately took $15,000 of the winnings for taxes. Another $12,000 for what she owes the government in back taxes. So she was left with $23,000. She lamented about how much the government had taken. I had to remind her that she still had $23,000 which is more than enough to buy her hearing aids and then some.

Today she moped around a bit still lamenting the taxes. I told her if it were me I would be glad that the big $12,000 bill that hung over her head was now paid and that she could either pay off some bills, take a vacation or just put the rest in the bank. Didn't seem to cheer her up.

I'm just guessing here, but I think I would be pretty darn happy with that outcome.

I choose

I am NOT having the weekend to myself. I have to get my facility in order for the new manager I am training so decided that since I have to be at work, screw it, I will just stay home.

I am definitely gonna do it next weekend though, or so I say. I am promising myself that I will not go into work next weekend. Let's see how that promise goes. But I did do something for myself.

Since I am going to the new facility I am going to have to dress a little nicer than I do now. So...I went out and bought myself a few pieces of clothing, some new nail polish, new shoes, and just for good measure some new jammies (which are too tight, I am wearing them now).

When you are a mom and on a limited budget you sure feel guilty about getting yourself new clothes unless...your kids are pissing you off and then it feels like "Take that! I got myself stuff and not you nah nah boo boo!"

Seriously I do not feel one bit guilty. I think I am getting over the nervous part and starting to embrace the "I deserve this" part. Truth be told, I have worked hard. I know all of this is happening fast but I worked hard and I kinda campaigned for it. So then that makes this a "get what you ask for"moment. I asked for a promotion, I got it. Plus I think I am gonna be great at it because I am gonna work harder and more efficiently than anyone else. Not just because that is who I am but because I have nothing else in my world right now other than work. All of my "atta boys" and accolades only come from work.

I don't have a boyfriend or a small child that requires my attention. My teenagers openly pray that I die tomorrow (that may be a stretch) but anyway they have lives that I am not an important part of right now. I guess I am already preparing for the "empty nest" syndrome.

At any rate, work is what I have. I choose to be really, really good at it.

Think I will paint my nails now...

Encouragement

Here is an example of an encouraging email...One would think I would get "it":

You will never be fully healed until you are able to no longer fear failure.

The only way one does not fail in life is not trying.

Understand, you from day 1 at the nursing home said everyone stressed so bad, how stressful the job was etc, and you knew better.
From Day 1 you knew better

The best thing a Manager can display is the ability to bring new ideas, be calm and collective under almost any circumstance and build a solid team. You have done and displayed all of these things.

Give yourself a break, step out on the ice a little further. There may come a day you make a mistake, but guess what we are all human and will. If it is any kind of company they will see how you react to the mistake and see it as a learning process.

You have a good thing going, honestly the only way you would destroy it right now is through self-doubt.

You also have control over how fast the dial turns up on your career. You don't need it to if its not perfect for you. You have said you have very small requirements with life now. If its not perfect for you, let it go by, there will be others.

Do not dwell in pending failure or doom or you will never be happy !!

You will find the balance !!

Take Time to Enjoy.

Pretty decent words of encouragement don't ya' think? He makes for a pretty good EX husband don't ya' think?

I shouldn't but I am

My anxiety is "off the charts". I cry easily, worry constantly. I am trying to create a peaceful environment for myself but it is hard to do. I have received some encouraging emails and I am truly thankful for them and take them to heart.

I cannot explain this self doubt and pity I am feeling right now. It seems overwhelming. I know I will get over it (read: I better get over it!). I really thought I was passed this point. I'm guessing not so much...

At what point are you really better? At what point does the depression and anxiety leave you? Does it come back based on events? I'll bet that is it. I bet that the passing of my dog, my daughter giving me fits and the pressure to perform at work sent me over the edge. Not to mention another little "barely escaped that" episode that I don't care to talk about. All of this in a week. Most people could probably handle this with no problem. I am weaker than I would like to be. The events of the past week remind that I have a ways to go.

Somehow writing this blog really seems to help. I am gonna try a small getaway this weekend and see if that doesn't help.

My getaway will consist of a hotel room for 3 days and 2 nights. No phone contact with anyone unless I want it. I will justify this as my birthday gift to myself. I was gonna wait until my birthday but have decided that I need it this weekend. Tomorrow my getaway will begin.

I am debating as to whether or not I can take my one remaining dog. I bet he needs a getaway too. I will take him.

I really shouldn't be giving myself weekends away right now, but I gotta tell ya, I am at the end of my rope.

I hope this helps.

The Question

I am having some anxiety issues lately. First with my dog dying, then of course the never ending adventures of raising a teenaged daughter and finally with my job.

Today the anxiety is bad enough that I am nervous, cautious and have an overall apprehensive feeling. That feeling of waiting for something bad to happen. I understand the feeling when it comes to grieving over my dog. I even understand the feeling with my daughter. But with my job I don't totally understand it. Everything is going well, receive accolades etc. But I can't shake the feeling that something bad is gonna wreck everything I have worked for. Yesterday I was told that I am getting a new promotion, and I was over the moon about it. Today, I am nervous and have been overly cautious in my dealings. My confidence is down today and I feel emotional.

I am worried about every little thing. I worry that I am moving too quickly and that perhaps I won't do a good job or worse that I will lose my job. I wonder why I am so worried when I just received news of the promotion? I wonder why I worry when my facility has given me additional responsibilities? Obviously they believe I am qualified. In general I tend to feel qualified, or is it that I have been overconfident and now I am questioning my abilities? Is it the same old self sabotaging that I have practiced in the past? Or is this wisdom telling me to slow down I have been here before and I know what it feels like to have and to lose?

I almost feel like I should just play safe for a while, but then what if the opportunity doesn't present itself again? I don't know how many "comebacks" I have left in me if any. I guess in general I worry that if I am successful I might fail and have to perform another comeback.

Yep, that's the fear, that I if I am successful I will fail somehow. Being put into the spotlight was once very appealing, now I know how hard the fall can be. I feel the need to be under the radar for a while. But the ball is rolling fast now and I can't stop it.

This is gonna take some focus. I should be enjoying this not fearing it. It all begs the question, "Have I gone crazy?"