Sometimes all you can do is "come through in a pinch". I have 3 children. My oldest one I am no longer close to. My youngest two I am close with. I worry that I have damaged the oldest one. I was a very young mother, he was always closest to his father and grandmother.
I am trying to repair this relationship but feel I am blocked at every attempt.
So now I begin to wonder; Am I doing enough to repair it? Inevitably the answer is no. I have only myself to blame. It is extremely difficult to know what to do. What do they want from you that you are not doing? What can you do better? How can you erase your mistakes?
There is certainly no easy answer to these questions. All you can do is come through in a pinch. For instance, my oldest son is having a hard time financially. I send him about $200 a month. It's not much but I feel better sending it anyway. His father tells me that it helps our son a lot and that he is thankful for it. I don't hear from my son about it. I don't hear anything. Not even a "fuck you". I certainly don't blame him there were instances in his life that he probably can't forgive me for. Even if he did forgive me, what kind of a relationship would we have? It has now been a year since we spoke. He didn't answer me for Thanksgiving or Christmas. The last time I spoke to him was his birthday, a year ago.
I had to call today to ensure that he received his bday card and the money that I enclosed(2 months later). His father assured me he had and that he had encouraged him to call me. No word yet.
I keep thinking about my mistakes with him as a mother. Dreadful.
Even if I never regain a relationship he is still my son and I love him. That, I suppose, is the best that I can do. Just keep loving him and coming through in a pinch.
Malicious Extrapolation
9 years ago
Posts
It's harder to forge a connection when they are boys, not to mention they don't live close by.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought, but you might want to write him a book (or a bunch of letters or short stories). Start out acknowledging that you have hurt him and accept his right to his feelings regarding you. But let him know that as an adult, you hope he will be able to read over your side of the story and accept you a little bit.
Then write from your heart. Tell him how your childhood was, where you were in life when you got pregnant, what you went through. Write about how you felt as a new mom at 15. Just tell it all, just like you were telling your best friend.
Every screw up you did. Every great or special thing you did for him; that he doesn't remember. Ever sacrifice you made. All the way to how you feel now. How you mourn the lost opportunities. How you worry about him.
Get it out! Print it out bind it up so it's not just a "letter" -- they are easier to throw away. lol
Then send it to him. I know, he's a guy and he might not read it. But he might. Or, his wife might. Or, his dad might.
Regardless, it will go a long way to helping you review and accept your own part in his life. And if he does read it, it might help him put things in perspective.
[The preceding is a random thought based upon no professional knowledge. We deny responsibility to any events that may occur from following this advice.]
Not only that, but quit sending him guilt money. Until he can man up enough to call you and thank you for what you are doing with him, all you are doing is sending him the message that it is ok to continue to be an ungrateful ass.
ReplyDeleteYou are estranged for reasons that have nothing to do with you being a young mother and everything to do with him being a spoilt brat who used your guilt to get him what he wanted. When you used tough love because he was out of line he left and went to where he could once again be a spoilt brat and be rewarded for it.
He's a man now. Like all of us, time to deal with a parent who wasn't perfect, big f*g deal. Who did have perfect parents? I notice he has not qualm in cashing your checks.
If he can't appreciate what you do for him then let him deal with not having any money. Oh wait, his dad and grandma won't let that happen anyway so yours is just gravy.
Time to quit feeling guilty and open your eyes to being used.
I was there to watch his teen years and the way he manipulated you and then turned on you. What you did for him then wasn't enough to buy his love and it won't be now. He is his fathers son and genetics have won out at this time. Sorry for the straight talk but I hated seeing him use you then and I hate it now.
The day may come when he realizes that he has been wrong, but don't keep trying when it obviously isn't welcome.