Derek will probably never see this. For whatever reason, I feel the need to "talk" to each of my children. And I must be honest. Derek is the product of my first marriage. I was 16 when he was born. I was a horrible mother to him, still am. You may wonder why at this age am I still a bad mother to him. I wonder too. I think I have so much guilt and so much to make up for that I think it is impossible, so I really don't even try.
I think our children just want us to be honest, so here goes. Derek has been cheated. He has been cheated out of a good mother. I cannot make up for it, I don't even try anymore. I haven't tried for years. I always felt like I was so bad to him that no matter what I did it would not make a difference. That is a shame. He has become such a good man and I have nothing to do with it.
We kind of grew up together. That is sad for him. I did not know how to be a mom to him. He always had his grandma, thank god. She has been his mother. I'm not real sure how he thinks of me. We do not talk. I have tried, but the guilt is so consuming that I cannot talk to him for "real". He does not call on Mother's Day, my birthday or Christmas. I don't blame him. I tried talking to him on those special holidays, he never returned my calls. Again, I don't blame him. I wouldn't have called back either.
I don't know what else to say. I'm just really sorry.
Malicious Extrapolation
9 years ago
Posts
I feel your pain. I too short-changed my children and I know the guilt never leaves. But you can't stop trying. So he doesn't return your calls; send him cards. Something to let him know you think of him. And STOP apologizing; it's done, you both need to let it go.
ReplyDeleteYou also need to remember that most people in their early 20s don't have time for their parents; even the really good parents. When he gets a little older it will be easier. And if you continue to show attention (even with cards), he'll come around.
I was there thru alot Dereks rebellion and you did alot for him and what he gave back was inexcusible for a child to a mom. Many of us have dealt with parents that were less than stellar. think it is the norm rather than the exception.
ReplyDeletePart of being a responsible adult is being able to forgive your parents for being human, get over it and grow up. If he has turned out well it is because instead of trying to make up for your shortcomings (in his eyes) you chose tough love. I know how hard this was for you but it was the best thing you ever did for him. Someday he will have kids and it will be his turn to find out how hard it is.
In the meantime, if he chooses not to have a relationship, in the end, the person who will be hurt the most by it will be him.