I dread the day...

Before my favorite midget friend moves, she is insistent that I meet a friend of her's and her husband. It's a fixup. I am not interested. I hate blind dates or friends trying to fix me up for a multitude of reasons but by far the biggest reason is...I always hate the person my friends think I will like. I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings. I don't want to hurt the blind date's feelings. But I am anti fixup, period. In 10 years I have liked one person that a friend fixed me up with, and I didn't know I was being fixed up. Maybe that's the trick, just don't tell me!

It seems to have worked for the people that I have fixed up, but never in reverse. I am not sure that any of my friends really know what it is that I like in a man. I think my friends think more of what they would like for me, or for what they themselves like rather than what I like. Regardless of what it is, I just plain don't like the fixup.

In the end I will probably end up meeting this guy. Oh how I dread the day! Seriously, I dread it. Let this be a lesson to all of my friends...If you are trying to fix me up, DON'T TELL ME! Just do it.

My Horse

Dreams. I have long bought into the notion that dreams tell us something about our subconscious selves. My latest dream is about a horse I discovered tied to the front porch that I had neglected for about a year. I had not fed the horse, exercised the horse, had absolutely forgotten the horse...until.

In my dream, a family that lived across the street (mom, dad, and 4 children) came to bring me a casserole and it was then, when I answered the front door that I saw and finally remembered the horse.

When the family left and it had sunk in that it had been a year since I had cared for the horse, I took the casserole to the horse, to feed it for the first time in a year (except for what little it must have received from eating the lawn which was also in disrepair). After feeding the horse, what little it would eat, I attempted to put the reigns on, there was no saddle only a blanket. I wanted to exercise the horse, to love and care for the horse. The horse did not fight me and was grateful for the attention. But the horse collapsed after only a couple of blocks. I got the horse back to the front yard and noticed the family that had brought the casserole were out in their yard.

I went to speak to them, hoping to explain why I had neglected the horse for a year. They offered no criticism, they only offered that they could take the horse to exercise it when they exercised their own horse. I completely rejected the idea, afraid they would keep the horse or the horse would like them more.

This dream so affected me that I was compelled to search for an explanation of the horse in my dream. Here is what I discovered:

The horse is your "power" your "strength" . It is true that for a year I have neglected my power and strength, but it is not dead. I have recently accepted help from "the family"; my own. I am feeding and nurturing and apologizing to myself for the neglect and abuse I have inflicted on myself (my horse if you will).

I know all of this may sound like hooey (wow, I'm getting old using the word hooey lol) but to me, it makes perfect sense of the dream. I'm just glad I noticed and remembered the horse before it was too late.

Two Parents and a Teenager

There is a real reason for two parents. One parent alone cannot always be the voice of reason, particularly with a teenager. If you do not have children you are probably thinking that you would always use reason. Ha! A teenager/parent relationship is the most difficult relationship I know of, and I have known boyfriend/girlfriend; husband/wife and child to parent( me being the child); employer/employee (and vice versa) etc.



Still being the parent to a teenager beats all. As a parent your goal is to raise the best adult possible. You hope that in a certain amount of time you have nurtured a child and taught a child the ways of the world and that they will be self sustaining with few defects. That's the goal.



My daughter is challenging, she is 16 years old (say eek with me lol!). She is a LOT like me (I'm not saying that's altoghter a good thing, but not entirely bad either). What I like about her, that she has gleened from me, is that she is hard to sway by peer pressure (no drugs, no alcohol, no sex). I like that we have had candid conversations about all of the above for years. She knows that she can tell me about experiments, which she has, she knows that she can tell me when she thinks it is time for birth control, which she has. BUT.....



What she finds it hard to do, is take responsibility for her actions. EEK again! I am the same way in many circumstances. Tonight she tried. She wrote me a letter telling me some things about her attitude recently that she thought I should know. Ok, good start. I'm a mom and take that admittance with the humility I know it was given.



Her father on the other hand, is very analytical (thank god!). In this particular situation his analytical side definitely beats my mothering sappy side. In other words, he is not wrong.



Even though we have been divorced for 10 years I still appreciate his ability to parent. I don't always agree with it, but isn't that the point to having two parents? You don't have to agree, but someone inevitably has a better "take" on the situation than the other. In tonight's case, his take is better ( you have no idea how hard this is to admit). Instead of being overly sentimental, as I have occasion to do with my children, his analytical side won out in my view.



But I think that is the purpose of having two sides. To LISTEN! to the other parents viewpoint. Tonight I listened and I agreed.

This is for my daughter and her father, he is not wrong!

I would die for some nachos

The past two days have been super hot and muggy. Actual temperature about 97 degrees with tropical humidity levels. It's enough to wear you out. It certainly isn't weather a sick person should sit out in, much less exert energy in....unless they really really want a snack (keep reading).

One of the residents at the nursing home died today. He was 56 years old. He ate himself to death. He was 5 ft 11 inches tall and weighed 428 lbs. His medical charts were all about edema (fluid retention) and his diet was supposed to be no added salt, no gravies, sauces etc. If you recall my post "What's a little salt?" it focused primarily on this individual.

He was on oxygen constantly because the fluid around his lungs constricted his breathing.He could no longer walk much on his own. He was mobile because of his scooter. Yesterday I saw him at the local convenience store. He rode his scooter chair there, all the way, about 3 miles (one way) in blistering heat and humidity. When I saw him at the store I asked him what he was doing there, his reply "I felt like a snack and a Dr. Pepper". I reminded him of his diet and told him I thought we should call for the nursing home van to come and get him. Of course he declined and said he knew he needed to quit eating the junk food but it was his vice.

That vice killed him and so did his family. His family members would bring him his favorite foods all the time (cheeseburgers, nachos, chicken fried steak, potato chips, cookies), knowing how dangerous this was for his health. Today his heart gave out. The fluid built up around his heart and squeezed it until it stopped working. He was in tremendous pain the last 4 hours of his life. Death mercifully took over at about 10:30 a.m. this morning.

Knowing how young he was and what killed him sure makes me want to change my family's menus. I've seen death, but this is the first time I have seen death by eating.

Working on It, a Parent gone wrong

Sometimes all you can do is "come through in a pinch". I have 3 children. My oldest one I am no longer close to. My youngest two I am close with. I worry that I have damaged the oldest one. I was a very young mother, he was always closest to his father and grandmother.

I am trying to repair this relationship but feel I am blocked at every attempt.

So now I begin to wonder; Am I doing enough to repair it? Inevitably the answer is no. I have only myself to blame. It is extremely difficult to know what to do. What do they want from you that you are not doing? What can you do better? How can you erase your mistakes?

There is certainly no easy answer to these questions. All you can do is come through in a pinch. For instance, my oldest son is having a hard time financially. I send him about $200 a month. It's not much but I feel better sending it anyway. His father tells me that it helps our son a lot and that he is thankful for it. I don't hear from my son about it. I don't hear anything. Not even a "fuck you". I certainly don't blame him there were instances in his life that he probably can't forgive me for. Even if he did forgive me, what kind of a relationship would we have? It has now been a year since we spoke. He didn't answer me for Thanksgiving or Christmas. The last time I spoke to him was his birthday, a year ago.

I had to call today to ensure that he received his bday card and the money that I enclosed(2 months later). His father assured me he had and that he had encouraged him to call me. No word yet.

I keep thinking about my mistakes with him as a mother. Dreadful.

Even if I never regain a relationship he is still my son and I love him. That, I suppose, is the best that I can do. Just keep loving him and coming through in a pinch.

My friend the midget

I have this saying, if you will..."I hate everyone equally". I'm not sure if I mean it or not but it does put everyone on the same playing field with me. In order to be friends there must be something really special that I connect with. I rarely connect with someone enough to call them a friend.

If you are one that reads the blog often then you will certainly remember the post about the midget that interviewed me. The midget and I have become really good friends.

I feel comfortable referring to her as the midget because that is how she refers to herself. Her name is April and she is an intelligent hard working woman with a tremendous sense of humor that has raised 4 boys, all over 6ft tall by the way, her husband of 20 years about 6'3. ( I mention that because if I were you I would be curious.)

Almost everyday the midget and I drive around a bit so that I can smoke a cigarette and she can get out of the building for a while. I have been to her home for a party and to meet her family. We have great, wonderful deep conversations about our current and former lives. We talk about our families, relationships, work etc.

I no longer even notice that she is a little person, except when I have to reach something for her or I get in to drive her car and have to adjust the seat lol. And she does not know me "when". She knows me for the person I am now. Believe me there is a difference in now and "when". I'm grateful to have friend that loves me for who I am now and does not compare me to my prior life.

She sees no limitations in her world and has been successful in her career. She certainly has done a good job personally in my view, married 20 years (second marriage), the mother of 4, the grandmother of 3 and planning another wedding for her second oldest child.

She is from the south, as am I. She from Louisiana, me from Texas (yes, she has that cajun accent). And yes there is a sort of bond with southern women.

I want to give you an example of her great humor...The other day a rather crass employee said to her that she looked like she just jumped out of a clown car. Her reply " I curse you! Your first born child will be a midget!" He was panic stricken, afraid that maybe she had some special power LOL. He vowed to name his first child April if only she would take the curse back. I was rolling with laughter. She did not take the curse back.

April is moving July 3rd she is going back to Louisiana. I cannot tell you how disappointed I am that she is moving. I am so going to miss our daily outings and nightly chats. She assures me she will keep the same cell phone number, but you know how it is when a friend moves. You lose that daily communication and those things you have common at work.

I mourn already for my friendship with the midget. You sure are big in my book! Love ya April!

A really REALLY good moment

What a child will say....My 16 year old daughter told me tonight that she does not mind being "just like me". It took me a moment to catch my breath and to ask her why she thought that.

Her reply...

"Because you can overcome anything, You always just say whatever and keep going".

Just when I thought I was letting my children down for not being that "perfect" person she said that to me.

What a great hug we had. What great tears of gratitude I showed my daughter for seeing something I thought her too young to see.

This is one of life's really really good moments.

For my Best Friend in Her Dark Moment

I talk a lot about "weeds". Well I have a new take on "weeds" (depression; depressing thoughts, depressing things that happen to you etc). This post is really for my friend that is going through a tough time.

This spring I noticed two weeds that looked different from the rest. As I cleaned up that garden area I decided to leave the two weedy things thinking maybe they might actually be something. Turns out they are the most beautiful flowers I have seen in a long time, wish I knew what they are.

So anyway, the weeds that turned out to be beautiful flowers got me to thinking about other things related to weeds. Take roots for example, they are normally born in darkness, some water, but most buried deep down in the dark. The beautiful flowers had to start with roots at some point, and look at them now. Anyway, my twisted little mind began to equate all of this weed/root/beautiful flower thing with dark moments in our lives.

I'll bet this is where some beautiful things start, just doesn't seem like it at the time. It's the same as if you only saw the root of a plant, you wouldn't know exactly what it could be until it had gone through the whole growth process.

My final thought...Something beautiful can come from your darkest moment, you just don't know what it is.

The Power Struggle..continues??

I sure am having a lot of deep thoughts tonight. Actually this all started last night and I can't seem to "shake" the thoughts so maybe writing them down will help. I'm guessing my long work weeks are beginning to make my personal time more personal. I have been doing a lot of personal growth kinda work, this shit sucks. So here goes another deeply personal revelation...



Before I tell you what this earth shattering revelation is, I am already aware that those people that know me well will read this and say "No shit Sherlock, you sure are dumb, took you long enough" but here it is anyway. I have been thinking a lot about relationships, probably because there is one in the early stages of formation right now. I am so leary of entering another romantic relationship I am probably over analyzing the hell out of it. But I had this thought last night, ready here it comes...Most of my relationships have not been based in love as much as they have been in a power struggle (friends that know me, shut up and stop laughing lol!!).



At some point I must have really enjoyed the hell out of the power struggle, I like to win at everything. Obviously based on my long term relationships, the more difficult they were the better I liked them. Wonder why that is? That will require more self work ugh! I wonder if knowing this about myself will make the next relationship easier or harder? Harder in the fact that now that I know it can I control it? And the same goes for why it might be easier, now that I know it I won't actively seek it.

So then the next question is; Do I choose people that will be active in the power struggle or do I force them into the power struggle? I am guessing there is a bit of truth to both sides.

In reviewing my past relationships here is what I find may be the cause of my attraction to the power struggle...hate to blame the ex hubby's but....the first two were abusive physically, I fought the first one back like a tiger. The second one I could never win the fight so I just sort of gave up. Hubby number three, hate to tell this (he reads the blog) but...we had a different sort of power struggle (probably 2 or 3 going on at the same time). In hindsight I think we were competitive with one another, career wise. He pretty much won that one, but I sure had my "victories". He controlled all of the finances and would complain about small purchases but was a hell of a gift giver! Go figure. I think he also wanted to "tame" me to a certain degree (this will make for fine conversation with him later LOL) and of course I didn't want to be "tamed", at least not by anyone other than myself. I'm still not tame, less fierce, but not tame by anyone's standards.

So for the recent romantic "prospect". First you need to know that he is my boss, can anyone say power struggle? Can anyone say huge mistake? We do not work closely with one another, only see each other a couple of times a month. A lot of email and talking on the phone, and some inappropriate work "meetings". So this is why I am analyzing what I am doing.

Seems like the same old power struggle to me...

Perfection as a Goal

For many years of my life I tried to be perfect. Perfect by my standards, not yours. Perfection to me meant a lot of things, good looks, wealth, expensive clothes, good looking well to do man, etc etc. I now know why those things defined perfection to me, because they were so far from what I grew up with. But here is what I have learned; get ready it's deep...lol

If perfection is your goal (regardless of your definition of perfection) give it up. The goal of perfection is usually lethal because it is never met. Then the feeling of failure sets in and causes extreme personal pain because we are always comparing ourselves to how we could be if we were perfect. I read something once that said "Perfection rapes the soul". I did not understand it then, I do now. Perfection does not allow for true feeling, it's a plan that will always fail. You miss a lot of good stuff trying to be perfect. Instead of feeling you are always struggling for that goal.

When we are very young (and naive) it is easier to always try to be better than we are. When we are older it gets harder to be who we are and accept that this is probably it, as good as it gets. I have a theory though, if we were to just accept that this is who we are there might be far greater happiness. To just live in the present and stop trying to change all the time, I'm guessing the pressure that would be released would be a wonderful experience.

I wouldn't know I'm not quite there, it's just a theory...

It's Not Nice to Fool Mother Nature

I love music. Just not the kind of music you probably like, no one likes what I like. I like old country i.e. Conway Twitty, Johnny Cash , Charlie Rich etc. But lately I have found a new station I like. If you are in the Omaha, NE area give it a try. It's 101.9 KOOO. It is classic pop hits. On Sunday this station played the 1973 ( I was 5 years old)Top 40 Countdown hosted by Casey Casum (spelling?). Elvis was still in the Top 40 believe it or not. Paul McCartney was number 1, I was not impressed with that week's countdown. But it was fun to listen to.

This radio station takes me back with every song it plays. Most songs are from the 70's and 80's that were in the top 10. A song came on the other day that really really took me back. It was from the first album "set" I ever bought. The first album "set" I bought was Don Kirschner Presents....the song I am referring to is "Hot Child in the City". Anyone but me remember that song? I loved it! Try to picture me loving this song...I had to work in the kitchen and that song came on, I started dancing and ooohing and ahhing and I remembered every single word, so of course I had to sing it as well! The youngsters in the kitchen started dancing too, only I am pretty sure they were laughing at me and not with me, super fun though.

Now I have the older people in the kitchen listening and the nurses come up and say "Is that Eye of the Tiger?" lol...yep, everyone is liking it. It reminds people of where they were and what they were doing when they first heard a particular song.

But the radio station has started another phase...now people are remembering commercials that no longer appear on television. The latest one... remember the commercial that said "It's not nice to fool mother nature"? I will give you a minute on that one. I racked my brain for almost a full day trying to remember what the product was they were selling with that tag line.

Ok here is where I really want to drive you insane. You know damn good and well you remember the tag line, but not the product, right?

Here is a clue, it was a "butter" product. LOL

So now we all play a game called "Guess that commercial"...for instance, what was the the tag line for the indian with a single tear at the ocean?...I won't make you wait, it was "Keep America Beautiful".

If you think of any commercials with a good tag line, let me know so I can drive my staff crazy.

A better chance of winning the lottery

If you are of a certain age then you probably remember the much publicised article in Time magazine in the 1980's that said a woman over 40 had about as much chance of getting married as winning the lottery or being struck by lightning.

I actually googled information about chances of getting married over 40, turns out you have a 40% chance of getting married after 40. Therefore I intend to play the lottery a lot more often and stay out of storms.

It's not so much that I want to get married as I would like to find someone that I am compatible with. I feel like I have dated just about every conceivable dateable type (if that's even a word). Out of all of the dateable types, still no one person that I could have spent a lifetime with. There is no way in hell that I am the only one that feels this way (please someone say it aint so!).

Don't get me wrong, I have found men that at some point in the relationship I thought, "Oh this is the one!". Not so much, they always did something I hated and could not live with in the end. It may not have even been considered a "big" thing by most standards, but to me I just know what will eventually drive me nuts. I suppose I should thank my lucky stars that I see it early into the relationship and not wake up after 20 years and not be able to live with them another minute.

I read articles in the newspaper of women that are 90 years old and have been married 65 years and one day they kill their husband by hitting them with the remote control. I feel this woman's pain. Can you imagine that for at least 40 of those years she has asked him to please turn down the t.v. or please just find a channel and stay on it? Then one day she can't take another minute of his hard hearing ass and she just repeatedly bangs him over the head with the remote until she kills him.

I know a few couples that have been married 20+ years (to me this is the winners circle, 20+ years) and both the man and woman of the relationship have things that drive them nuts the whole time and then one day they have just had enough and finally place some sort of ultimatum on their partner. This too worries me. If I were with someone for 20+ years and then an ultimatum on something I had always done was on the chopping block as something I must now stop doing...I'm guessing another divorce would be in my future. Not because I could not reverse my behavior but because I would be so pissed that for 20 years we had lived with it and now it was an issue.

I suppose I will just keep playing the lottery and stay out of storms. Seems to be my best course of action.