I have raised a man

As I have discussed on multiple occasions, I have some long working hours. This week is particularly long due to not having a day off.

Add to this that my oldest son has expressed interest in joining the Marines. I remember when he graduated high school he expressed the same idea. He is now almost 24 years old. I respect his wishes. I believe the military is honorable. I do see the danger but I respect him as a man and thus I respect his decisions. His father on the other hand does not...

His father wants me to talk him out of it. HA! that is the son of my loins, there is no talking him out of anything! He is his mother's son. He is headstrong, committed and determined. I could not ask for better. I did speak with his father tonight...

I do not often speak with my oldest son's father. And this week I have been playing a sort of phone tag with his father. As my hours are long, and most people are asleep when I am awake, it makes it difficult to touch base, but we finally did.

I could hear the panic in his father's voice. I do not feel that same panic. I feel more pride and confidence than that. I believe in my son. He is a man, no longer a boy that needs constant supervision. He is a man. Period. I cannot talk him out of anything. I can support him and encourage him. I will still worry, there is no doubt. But I would worry more if he were idle, with no direction. Of course the military is dangerous. But my son has been working in the oil fields, the 5th most dangerous job in the world! I prefer serious training and a future if he insists on dangerous jobs. Evidently, he likes danger.

I never thought it was possible to be at a point in my life that I would support a son of mine to enlist. Maybe this is what it feels like to trust your children. After all of those teenage years of not trusting, this is trusting. I trust his decisions now. It feels good to know I have raised a man.

Nothing New Today

Just a quick post to clear up a thing or two. My last post did not mean to imply that I have not acknowledged his pain and circumstance. The purpose of my post was to release my frustration regarding the lack of information. Yes, I have sent both emails and a card. But, that does not aleviate the "need to know".

He did not respond to my correspondence. I don't expect him to, I do wish the family would send me daily updates. That was the reason for the post. Maybe too much to ask for a daily update. But at any rate I am concerned.

I don't want to supply him "the anger to move on with his life". Nor do I want to ignore his pleas for help.

I do however, want to respect his family and "stay away" from him until he is "settled" (their words, not mine).

There does not seem to be a right way to deal with this. It seems I am always "refreshing" my email waiting for some type of information.

Well. I am still waiting. Nothing new today.

What would there be to report?

I am trying not to dwell on my friend that attempted suicide. There is not much I can do. He is in Seattle, I am in Omaha. He has family taking care of him there. His family let me know that he is voluntarily going for alchohol and substance rehab. His family has already put in place a team of professionals to help him.

I am not getting information as quickly as I would like. But then what would there be to report? I have a feeling of helplessness. I am sure it is best for me to stay clear of the situation anyway, given the reason he gave his doctor for his attempt.

In the "information in a moment" world we live in, it just sucks not to have immediate information regarding my friend. I guess I would even like to know if there is nothing to report. How strange that I need a report that says, "nothing to report".

Time to exercise patience I suppose.

The new definition of excess

I went shopping for me today. I haven't shopped for myself in a very long time. I used to shop for myself at least once a month. But in the past couple of years it has been strictly for the kids. I did not buy one single thing for the kids today. It was all me and it felt awesome. My youngest son was with me as I shopped. He must have sensed something because not even one time did he ask for anything for himself. He just wandered around the store, only asked me how much longer we would be there once. God bless him for letting me have my day!

Let's quantify this shopping trip though. In the past I would have spent $500 to $1000 on clothes for myself. Today, about $200 for clothes and $75 for makeup. The clothes I bought were not the kind of clothes I used to buy. I bought basic t-shirts and jeans kind of thing today. Nothing special, nothing fancy. But it was the most gratifying shopping I have done in a while (not the interview suit type shopping I had to do in December).

I ran home and changed into some new clothes and put on fresh makeup. Feeling good gave me energy so I made a nice dinner. I'm so amped up now even at 11:30 p.m. I can barely think of sleeping.

The days of excess are gone for the majority of us, at least for a while. But today those t-shirts and jeans sure felt like excess. It was the combination of treating myself and my son allowing me to indulge myself that made it such a success.

Today was a good day for me. The reasons may sound trivial. But does it really matter if they were trivial?

Today was still a good day and excesss has a new definition...new jeans and a patient 14 year old son.

The Reason...

Today, the first thing I saw at work was the coroner taking a body from the facility. Literally, the first thing I saw. I opened the door and there they were. It struck me particularly hard today as I received a phone call last night telling me that a friend of mine had attempted suicide and was in the hospital. He is 53 years old and has a history of depression.

I am having a flood of random thoughts and am finding it difficult to make sense of them all. Besides my friend's attempt, I had a cousin that did commit suicide fall of 2008. And along with many other people in this world it is something that has crossed my mind when I am deep in the "weeds" ( see the post titled "The Weeds"). To be clear, I do not want to commit suicide, only had fleeting thoughts when in my darkest moments. I think everyone at the very least has thought about it once.

What both my cousin's suicide and my friends attempt has given me is an up close and personal view of the families that are left to suffer. At first I think, what a selfish thing to do, to leave your loved ones to suffer like that. But then another thought hit me. I think it is probably that the pain is so intense they will do anything to stop it. Maybe they think that the family will suffer for a little while but compared to the pain they feel it seems minute. I am sure a lot of the time they may even think the family is better without them.

I suppose my message today is for the families. It's ok and understandable to be angry. It is not up to you to understand why they did it, even if you think you know, that's probably not the reason. Even if they tell you why, that is probably not the reason. I guess I say this trying to comfort myself...

The reason he gave is me.

HEY! Remember Stephen.

In February, I wrote a post titled "The Residents". Remember Stephen? He is the guy that started saying HEY all the time. It turns out there is a specific reason for Stephen adopting a word and repeating it over and over again. It is his way of managing some very intense pain that the drugs barely dull for him. As you may recall, I hear Stephen at breakfast and at lunch. It has become so routine no one really even notices it anymore. Until it stopped.

Stephen died Sunday. I did not work this weekend so this morning when I went to work I noticed his absence. I asked one of the nurses and she informed me that it had been an eventful weekend. Not only had Stephen died, 3 other residents did too. Frank, Laverne and Nettie all died this weekend as well. They all died quickly, there was not really any warning.

The flu had been going around the home, this is so dangerous for the elderly. The flu killed Laverne. Frank died in his sleep, and if you ask me Nettie just gave up.

It was a very quiet Monday. There were some empty seats at mealtimes today. Although, it was odd that Stephen's chair was already filled with a new resident.

I wanted to say, "HEY, that's Stephen's chair!".

Once is Enough

I have now tried going back to old lovers and friends. Neither works. I'll tell you why. When you end a relationship you usually do it when you are at the end of your patience with that person. After some time passes, it almost starts to feel like a death of sorts. You tend to remember the good things, and the bad things although still there, fade a bit.

After enough time passes you hope that by trying that relationship again, the good will now outweigh the bad. You think that now you can appreciate the good of the relationship and not focus so much on the bad. But here is what you forgot:

They drive you freaking nuts! It doesn't make them, or you, a bad person. Your personalities just don't mesh. Whatever the reason, it usually does not take as long to end it the second time as it did the first time. The reason for this is, now you have satisfied your curiosity that you didn't just lose patience with that person, you truly are better without the relationship.

I am not sure if I will ever try going back again. I'm too old to be driven nuts by the same people twice. It's exhausting.

Italian Music and Men; Can't be beat

I have this weakness, music and Italian men. Not just any music, Italia Romantica. I had a boyfriend that was Italian, not the New Jersey kind of Italian...the real Italian kind. He spoke 4 languages, bought me expensive Italian shoes (jewelry for the feet I call them). I had to be "presented" to the family. He was a very exciting man. He even spoke to my children's father and assured him he was a "good guy" that would take good care of me and the children. To this day, it is 4 years later, he proclaims his love for me.

There is nothing wrong with him, it is me....just trust me on this one, it's me. He gave me something that no one else ever has (besides expensive shoes and jewelry). He gave me the love of italian music and the dance that goes with it. What an incredible dancer he was/is. He could lead me anywhere, literally. I am now quite addicted to Italia Romantica. While learning to love the music, he taught me to love the lyrical movement. I had never danced the tango before him, or since him. I love him for teaching me to tango.

If you are unfamiliar with international music, start with Italia Romantica. Then slowly work your way into Russian etc.

I have developed the habit of looking the lyrics up on google that I really like. He still, to this day, sends me CD's of romantic music. In his broken english, he writes down the phrases that mean the most to him. If you want to know what to start with I suggest, Luis Fonsi. But most of all, try Isabel Pontoja's CARMEN.

Look for this on Youtube.com http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87cV9Y2Q5Z0 I think this is the link.

Franco De Vita is another. If you turn off your language ears and only listen to the feelings of this music, you will understand what I mean.

There is something special about a man that gives you the gift of music and dance. Who knows, one day I may change my mind about him and invite you all to a big italian wedding. Please don't hold your breath, but do try the music in case I ask you to dance to it.

Priceless

I taught my son something tonight. I'm not saying it was a good thing to teach him...but. Besides teaching what a helping verb is I also taught him that a cat always lands on it's feet. Oopsies! Now he is flipping the cat into the air and onto the mattress to see if he lands on his feet. But, ohhh nooo I didn't stop there. I also taught him about a cat with tape on his paws.

All of this may sound like a bad thing, and it may in fact be. But, it did provide a teaching experience on another level. I tried to teach him compassion and the control of power.

Just because you can do a thing doesn't mean that you should do that thing. The first 20 times he threw the cat into the air and onto the mattress I don't think he got it. But then the cat no longer wanted to be his friend. He got it then.

Now he is coaxing the cat with treats and favors. He misses his friend the cat. And now he knows he doesn't have to exercise power just because he can.

In the event you are wondering, the cat is fine. Maybe a bit dizzy, but fine. My son has learned he doesn't have to do everything in his power, especially if he wants to keep his friends.

Not such a good lesson for the cat, but for the son...priceless.

I'm Taking Suggestions

Something new happened today. I got an email from the wife of an online poker buddy. The email asks if my affair with her husband has indeed ended has he has told her.

On occasion at the poker table there is some sexual banter. Nothing you would take seriously of course. It's all done jokingly. And there is definitely nothing that remotely resembles an affair.

I suspect that this husband is having a midlife crisis and has made up this "affair" to make his wife jealous and to see if she still loves and desires him.

But, how do you say this to a woman that believes you have had an affair with her husband? Do you say exactly what I have said here? Or, do you not respond at all? I am not sure what the protocol is here.

I'm taking suggestions.

And the winner is...

The nursing home was bright with the color green today. There was a contest for the best dressed St Patrick Day employee. I did not participate, still finding glitter in my clothing from Mardis Gras thank you very much.

I do not yet know who the winner was officially (I assure you I await the answer with baited breath), but I do know who I would have chosen. Her name is LeAnne, she is 66 years old and works her butt off there. But what is more than that, she is the most festive person I have ever met. She has spoken of retirement and opening a costume shop, I really think she should. At any rate, her costume...

Men's green shamrock boxer shorts held in place by shamrock suspenders over an orange shirt that proudly said "Kiss Me I'm Irish". Green shamrock ears that lit up, green shamrock glasses that displayed lights as well as; light up shamrock necklace, bracelet and ring. She was positively blinding with the spirit (by the way, I think she's Italian).

The residents just loved her. She was literally lit up like a Christmas Tree. There was quite the downside to it though...she couldn't walk further than 5 feet at a time, residents were stopping her all day to touch her light up necklace and ask to see her light up shamrock ears. She stopped every single time, let them all touch her necklace and never once complained about it. Her smile stayed as bright as her garb.

Cheers to LeAnne! She brought a lot of light to a lot of people's day.

Mean Me

When did I get to be so mean? I need an emotional bailout.

Recently, a friend of mine lost her job. I was not unhappy. The thought occurred to me that now she knows how I feel. This is very unlike my 1990's self. What I mean by that is, I used to be genuinely concerned for you and wished you well. Now I wish that you have the same bad fortune as me.

"Welcome to the economic crisis" is what I wanted to say. I'll bet there are people that still think they are immune. Your time will come. This is no ordinary economic crisis. This affects us all...just takes longer for some than others.

There was a time when I would help people, now I can't help myself, and certainly can't help you. Something is lost in a person that has lost almost everything. That something is called charity. I don't think I have it anymore.

I have also lost a lot of my compassion. I used to cry with joy for the people on "Extreme Makeover; Home Edition". I don't watch it anymore. I don't watch it because no longer does one family seem worthy enough. There are too many families that are worthy. I can't cry for the family that gets the dream. I would now have to cry for all the families that didn't get the dream. It's too much crying...

I have always been a person that feels deeply for others. Now I am in a survival mode and it seems I only feel for myself and my family.

I hope one day the compassion comes back. I don't like mean me. The economic crisis has turned into an emotional crisis for me. I want someone to bail me out of my emotional crisis.

I want to feel badly for my friend that lost her job.

Survey Says! Something is Wrong With Me

Out of all of the posts that I have written never have I received so much mail! I received emails and IM's all with suggestions and comments about me and relationships. Some of these people know me, most don't. But there was a general consensus...

Most of the mail suggests that there is something wrong with me.

Oh some said they were just now finding the right person and I will too one day( 3 months into the relationship I might add); some said a long term marriage was the answer, just have to persevere through the hard times (wish they had told me how hard the hard times were); some said that I am destined to be single and alone for eternity (does 3 divorces and 3 additional engagements make me alone?) Some suggested that I am too independent; others suggested that I am too codependent; Some suggested my personality is too strong; others suggested I am not strong enough.

You get the picture.

I still cannot believe that this post generated so much interest. I had 129 views of the post and approximately 75 emails and/or IM's. Unreal!!! To give you an idea of how much interest this has generated; I have never had more than about 20 emails or IM's. Is this really the most interesting topic that I have posted? I don't think so. I think it is a topic that we can all relate to in one way or another.

Most of the emails and IM's came from people that I play online poker with and have never actually met (except one ex boyfriend that just wanted to take the opportunity to tell me I missed out....I didn't, trust me on this one).

At any rate, hope everyone feels better. Let me reiterate exactly what the post was about. It was really about getting what you ask for in a relationship.

It was not really an invitation to criticize, but, point well taken.

My Fair Share

I mentioned to someone the other day that I had had my fair share of men. It got me to thinking. I may have had my fair share of men, but I don't think I have had my fair share of good men. I started reminiscing about all the significant men that have been in my life romantically. I came up with about 8 (I'm sure if I had thought longer and harder I would have added and or subtracted from the list).

At any rate, here is the conclusion that I came to. Out of 8 significant relationships, I don't regret not being with any of them. You know how men and women alike always have at least one relationship they wonder "what if" about? I don't have one of those. I know that each relationship was never meant to be my lifetime relationship. I got some good and some bad out of each and every one of them, just never got the life partner vibe. I came close a couple of times.

All of this thinking made me wonder if it is me. Is there something about me that is noncommittal? I don't think so. I would commit with the right person for me. Then it hit me. I have not had my fair share of good men.

I have had the playboys and the bad boys. The arrogant rich man and the poor man with the chip on his shoulder. Then another revelation, I have also been all of those things. Ouch.

I definitely got what I asked for. I think I'm gonna ask for something new next time.

Too Much Makeup

I have always had an attitude about makeup. I have been what one might call a well tended woman. This new job allows me the freedom to wear or not to wear makeup. Once upon a time it would have been an issue if I didn't/couldn't or shouldn't have full "face" on, but as of late I don't find it that important. At first it was odd to think of only wearing the bare essentials, but I have found it liberating...until...

I wore too much makeup to work today.

I wore too much makeup for a very ridiculous reason...I have been trying to keep my focus on myself and have sworn off personal relationships, particularly with 26 year old male nurses! Needless to say, he is pretty darn cute, and if you have read my prior posts on this blog you know there are two types of men that love me, very young and very old ( Ok I get the irony, I work in nursing home and have a flirtation with a 26 year old).

Anyway, back to the makeup...After a couple of weeks of what appeared to be flirting (I seem to have forgotten what flirting is like) he made sure I knew he was flirting on Tuesday. So today, I made sure he knew I was receptive. That is the reason for the extra makeup, to sort of spread my feathers as a peacock might, if you will.

Now understand, it is extremely difficult to feel attractive or even to think of feeling attractive in this job. Human excrement and pureed food does not scream sexy. In addition to that, I just haven't felt very sexy in general. Odd how that extra makeup made the difference today.

I walked a little taller today, I flung my head a bit too much, I made eye contact last until it was almost uncomfortable. I flirted and I liked it.

I still wish he was an age appropriate man, but for now...

He is the man that gets me to wear too much makeup. I think I'll buy some new eyeshadow this weekend...

Think Polka

Today we had an accordian player at the nursing home. Most of the staff would have said to you that it was torture, not me. I need to paint the scene for you...

Man about 55-58, good head of hair for the 1970's, very poofy. Hagar slacks, just a little too tight, button up(sorry, snap up) western shirt, and some pretty spiffy pointy-toed cowboy boots. All of this loveliness was accented by an accordian.

He was a one man show, booked for an hour(think polka). He did some songs I know, but didn't recognize until he was at least halfway through the song.

After hearing him say to the elderly crowd, "everbody sing now", and only hearing one voice in addition to his own, I should have felt sorry for him. But nope, I laughed my ass off. I kept thinking it was like a commercial or skit on late night television.... Guy wants to make it big in the music industry with his accordian and ends up at the nursing home.

I swear, I could not stop laughing. So in order not to appear rude, I started dancing...alone. As I was laughing so hard, I thought I may as well try to give the residents some additional entertainment so I started with the "Chicken Dance"song when he began to play it. Accordian Guy loved my involvement. He started dancing and playing along. Then one of the residents starts with the tambourine that they have been holding quietly, then another begins to clap. We have a participating audience ladies and gentlemen!

Soon after a crowd of staff members and more residents have joined the party. All the while I am dancing like a fool to polka and staff members and residents alike are all laughing and having fun. I swear I could see hands tapping to the beat that I haven't seen move before. Residents were having a great time! So did I, looking like a dumbass and all. I had a good time.

I think I will remember this day when I need a laugh. Think Polka!

The layers of my friend

I have no great stories to tell about last night, except some things I learned about my friend of 13 years. I thought I knew a great deal about her, turns out she's been hiding some things...

For instance, she smokes. She has smoked for years and no one has known about it. She used to do drugs, this was a shocking revelation. Normally it wouldn't be shocking but for the fact that she just doesn't seem the type. But these things were not the most surprising. I learned last night that she recently had sex with only the 3rd man in her life, she is 45 and good looking (oh yes, she is also straight).

She treated me to the details of the escapade from the time they met to the culmination. Now I am worried about her because it is only the 3rd man she has ever slept with. I am afraid she is going to expect more from this man than he is able to provide. Here is where I should tell you he is married and so is she. It all seems so greatly out of character for her.

I wonder if women have a midlife crisis? Maybe it's not just the men that go through wanting a sports car and a younger sex partner. Or maybe, we just never fully know anyone.

Whatever it is, it made for good cocktail conversation.

Topsy Turvy

I remember a time in my life when I went "out" about 10 times a month. I would dress to make an impression and quite frankly, I did. I would wine and dine at only the very nicest establishments, no franchises for me. My evening, on the rare occasion I ended up having to pay my own bill, would cost me about $200.

Tonight I am going "out". It is a bit different this time. I am going to wear a track suit and hit a small town bar. There will be a lot of local rancher/farmer types. I am sure I will have to pay my own bill which I am assuming will come to about $30.

I am going with a friend of mine that I have known for 13 or 14 years. We have seldom been "out" together. But tonight is all about girl gossip. Her life has recently taken a pretty dramatic turn. For years she would ask about my encounters when I went out, now she gets to tell me some of hers.

It's a weird night. The scene is set if you will. It is rainy and grey and the world is topsy turvy. I have traded in the $300 outfit and the $200 bar bill for farmers and chicken wings. And I'm not the one with the juicy stories.

Like I said, it's a weird night. Maybe I will have a story to tell when I get home, I'll keep you posted.

Go Ahead, Stress Me Out

There haven't been many times, at least since I was very young, that I wished for time to pass. I am wishing time to pass now.

I missed the March 5th date for school, now I have to concentrate on June 5th. I know I will be enrolled and going to school then. I am just ready to do it now. I am so pumped up and motivated, I just don't want the feeling to leave me. I am afraid of becoming complacent.

In case you think you know what complacent means, let me refresh your memory. It means to be self satisfied without awareness of potential danger or defect.

For me, the potential danger is to become self satisfied in a job, instead of a career. I have been feeling so much better since I have taken this job, that holds very little responsibility, that I fear I may get too comfortable. After 17 years of pushing myself and being accountable for so much I must admit that this feels good.

Remember the movie "American Beauty" where Kevin Spacey takes a job in a McDonalds after a lifetime of high pressure sales? It is just this type of transition that frees the mind, relaxes the soul. It may be ok for awhile, but I don't want it to last.

I will relish in my lack of responsibility for now, but I really want the return of the motivated woman in me.

When I relish in motivation and stress, instead of lack of responsibility, I will know that I am back to myself again.

Come on time...hurry and bring back the motivation and stress! I'm ready to be me again!