Trading the old for the new

It seems like I just moved. Well, I am doing it again! In 3 weeks I will move into a duplex and then I will move again within 6 months! This time I am only moving until I am transferred, so a temporary thing. So I will be storing the major portion of my things until I make the move for the transfer, which again will only be for approximately 1 year, again sort of temporary. After that year I am supposed to move again to one of 3 locations of which I will not know until the actual time of the move.

It boils down to moving 3 times in a year and half. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I wonder how those military families do it? I'm guessing the trick is to take it one move at a time. I think I am gonna have to pare down my items. For starters, I think I should sell my pool table. I don't really want to move it that many times. Plus I haven't used it for a while anyway. Next I have a very expensive glass dining table. I think I would like to keep the chairs and sell the glass table. It's likelihood of being broken is just too great. I'm pretty sure I am past that glass phase to boot. A nice sturdy wood table fits my perspective life better.

But first and foremost...I am going to go thru all my clothes, paperwork and keepsakes. Time to throw some shit out! Kids old toys gotta go! Books I have read and never wanted to part with, off to the nursing home they go!

If I can actually do this it will be a good start to simplifying my life in general. My sense is what I will really be doing is making room to collect new stuff.

Oh well new stuff for a new life.

Elusive Sleep

Last night I tossed and turned. Went so far as to look online for a self hypnosis site to help me get myself to sleep. It worked for about an hour. Than I woke again. And did it all over.

This morning I was tired and cranky. Then boom! Good news happened. It resolves the flux in my living  situation in a wonderful way. It opens me for any possibility as far as transferring goes. It affords me 6 months before I have to even consider making a move. Thus relieving my conscious of being separated from my children immediately. On top of all of this I also got a new brown leather sofa and loveseat for next to nothing. I have been wanting some new furniture.

It seems that rest and sleep should be imminent. I doubt it though. Now I'm too excited for sleep.

Still waiting for sleep and peace.

Grateful for the Cry

There is nothing like a good cry. I had one tonight. Not over what you might think. I cried for an olympic ice skater that lost her mom to a heart attack on Sunday and skated for 3rd place tonight. I cried as if I knew the poor girl with no mom. I cried wanting to tell her that even though I am not her mom, I am a mom. I wanted to tell the girl that I was proud of her. I know, crazy.

The cry released the tightness in my chest, it allowed me to breathe. It's been a couple of weeks without that tightness.

I'm grateful for the cry but seriously sad for the girl.

Anxiety

Just when you think you are normal...or doing better, or getting ahead or whatever. I feel a backslide in progress (is that an oxymoron backslide/progress?). I feel it in just about every area of my life right now. I guess if there is anything I could say it would be that I am consistent. I seem to always go back to this feeling. Lately I wonder if I shouldn't go to the doctor and see if I am a candidate for antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication. I hate that I might be "that person". The one that needs medication or even thinks I may be. I carry a lot of baggage around with me about my mother and that same issue...medication for mental and/or emotional issues. The last thing I want to do is be the one that relies on a pacifier for mental health.

I'm gonna pass on that doctor visit for now, but it's there, the what if.

I can't distinguish between what is normal mood swings and what I am experiencing. I am gonna rationalize that what I am going thru is a process normal for someone that is in a constant state of fear after being wrongly jailed, in a constant state of flux as to my job and living situation. I will rationalize that once these things are dealt with that I will no longer feel this anxiety. I have used the term anxiety so much I decided to look up the definition in the dictionary to see if it really is what I am feeling. Here is what it means per Websters:

1 a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill b : fearful concern or interest c : a cause of anxiety 2 : an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it


That pretty much sums it up. It's just an emotion that must be dealt with. Yep, I'll skip the doctor.

A Simple List

I have had anxiety for the past couple of days. I believe I have located the source. There are a lot of things that need to be "fixed" both literally and figuratively. I know the answer is to fix what needs fixin'. I feel overwhelmed and don't know where to begin.

Where do I begin? What is the most important? I can't decide even these simple things. So I decide to create a list of things that I feel need fixin'.

1. Mop entry and clean bedroom
2. Visit facility and town where I may be transferred
3. Payoff loan
4. Get a haircut
5. Do laundry
6. Clean out car
7. Go thru files at work
8. Start a diet
9. Complete some school work
10. Do some grocery shopping
11. Collect monies owed to me


These are just some of the things on my mind. If I could only get these done the anxiety would surely leave. Or would it? Does anxiety come from other places or is it this basic?

I guess I won't know unless I get this list completed.

Waiting

Today I was supposed to go see the facility in Iowa that I will potentially transfer to. I didn't go.

Perhaps I didn't go because I had a funfilled evening with friends (read: too much to drink). Or, perhaps I am not sure it is the right thing to do. Do we ever know if what we are doing is the right thing to do?

I am 41 years old and still don't trust my judgement 100%. That could be the result of a few huge mistakes on my part. But I reason that you can't live this long without some mistakes. I'm not sure that everyone's mistakes are as big as the ones that I have made or perhaps they are right in line with the mistakes that everyone else makes just to me they seem huge because they are mine.

Perhaps my real fear is that I am being selfish. I am missing excitement. Is there anything more exciting than moving and changing your whole life? I haven't done that in 11 years.

I suppose I will sit back and wait for what the world has to offer. No rushing the universe, no rushing me. Just waiting...waiting for the answer to hit me in the head.

Valentines Day

Well, I suppose I must post the much anticipated "How I Spent My Valentines Day". This will be short.

I played bingo with the residents at the nursing home.

Now if that is not pathetic enough. They beat me, and cheered and laughed about it!

Feel the love....lol

Winter Olympics

I love the Olympics. There is always incredible human drama. Tonight was no exception. Alexandre Bilodeau won the first ever Gold Medal on Canadian home soil. The elated eruption when it was clear he won gold was palpable. But above and beyond that is the wonderful story of his relationship with his older brother. The whole story has had me in tears of joy for not just their country but the relationship. Alexandre's brother has Cerbral Palsy and is mostly confined to a wheel chair. Alexandre says on the days when it is hard to get up to train he thinks of his brother that is not able to ski. This is his motivation. He calls his brother his best friend. To see the disabled brother celebrate for his new gold medal winning brother was emotional for anyone watching.

Just a really cool story.

Im Free

All is well. I am not in the pokey. I barely slept the night before (as you are aware) and I was tired, agitated and aggrivated when I did go to court. Thank goodness court only lasted about 15 minutes otherwise in the state I was in I'm afraid I may have let all my frustrations spew forth.

I no longer trust the legal system at all.

Well anyway, I did go out to celebrate my freedom. My staff and other members from the facility in which I work congregated for a night of karaoke and spirits. I had nothing to do with the karaoke with the exception of cheering them on, but I had something to do with the spirits. Enough so that I have made a day of recovery.

Now all I have to do is get over the fear of ever having to experience that again!

Doom

I was just relaying my story of incarceration to a friend of mine. It was disappointing. I could tell that she didn't believe me. She was distant and in a hurry to get off the phone, She did a whole lot of that "hmm, yeah, ah hunmm" stuff. I have known this woman for more than 10 years. I am more worried than ever. If she doesn't believe me, then why should anyone else?

Maybe I am just paranoid. But at any rate, I truly believe that she thinks I am guilty.

I can't sleep and I think the world is against me. This is real true paranoia. The kind that freezes you and makes you believe that you really are guilty. I see no good coming from this.

I hope tomorrow I have a different post for you. The kind that makes nonsense out of everything I am posting tonight. Right now it doesn't matter.

Even in the eyes of my friends, I am gulity...Doom, it feels like doom.

Whole 'Notha' Level of Scared

Tomorrow is my court date to show that I own the insurance agency (for which I was arrested for cashing the checks for). Even though I know I am innocent and free of any guilt...it doesn't feel that way. I am nervous, scared and worried. A weekend in jail will do that to a body. I fear that I will somehow be taken away in silver bracelets again or that I will need additional evidence or something that will drag this out. I have been unable to rest. I can't tell you what a horrible feeling this is.

Reading this it might be easy to say "Oh you're innocent. Everything will be alright". But keep in mind I already spent a weekend in jail and I was innocent...this thought does not leave me. In short, I am worried the system will somehow work against me. If you have never been in this position, and it is a fairly good guess that most of you haven't, then you don't know the fears it feeds. I think about all the people that are incarcerated or even have death sentences and they don't deserve them. I think about the man released a few years ago after spending 30 years in jail and then finally they found the "real" killer (this happened right here in Omaha).

People I tell ya' this is scary shit. I like to think I'm tough but this is a "whole 'notha' level" of worried. I am trying to use the positive thinking approach. You know the one where if you think good things they will happen. But I am sucked back into the negative. Easy to understand, again I say I have already spent one weekend in jail over this!

So, if you don't hear from me for a while...you will know why.

Nacho typical Superbowl Party

Woo hoo Go Saints! Love the Superbowl. To me it is the third major holiday next to Christmas and Thanksgiving. So today while at the nursing home I asked what sort of party was planned for our residents. The answer, nothing. What!!? Are you fucking kidding me!!? Nothing!!? Completely and totally unacceptable in my mind. So I decided to throw them a party.

We had bean, beef and cheese nachos. Sour cream, ranch, bacon and chive dip with chips and veggies. Little smokies in a secret sauce that was all the rage. Unfortunately I could not provide beer so they had ginger ale and sherbet punch. They all had such a marvelous time and I kid you not when I say they cheered my name and gave me two ovations for the party. It was so invigorating it was like I was high all evening. I even changed the dinner menu to sloppy joes for a more festive dinner. I jokingly said "Whoever has my Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader unform please return it so I may wear it tonight" Huge laugh and then I said "No nevermind, I want y'all to be able to eat". It was like I was Jerry Seinfeld holding my own comedy show (maybe you had to be there).

At any rate, two count them two ovations. That was good for me. But what was really good? They had the most fun ever. Cool.

Demographics and Dating

I still have moving on my mind. I need to go and check the town and facility out. I have heard about the facility and I looked the town up online. The median income in the town is $41,000 a year. Average age is 37.5 years and 40% of households are single and it is less than 50% women. Population in 2006 was about 27,000 people.

It sounds pretty good. I could probably live pretty well there, the age is about right and the fact that 40% of households are single is a bonus for a single gal like me. Knowing that the town is middle America, less than 50% women could signify some good ole' boys out farming and ranching...hmm, not hating that, I like a manly man. My salary would be more than the average so that would be a plus. On the other hand, back to that single thing. I'm starting to picture unshaven, pig smelling, manure on the boots kinda men. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But how many of those men are looking for a woman that can work on the farm? I'm starting to guess a lot. I could be that woman but only on the weekends and only when I felt like it, wouldn't want to do it because I had to.

My boss tells me I would only need to be there about a year. Something tells me that could be a very long year...

C'mon Kids

Here is what I know about me. I love to believe that I can help others. For god's sake I work in a nursing home. But more than that I truly believe that I can relate to the troubled teenager and genuinely help them. Seriously, what are the odds that I can? Let me take a non-scientific guess, ummm zero? Zero is probably right. But in my mind I think back to my own youth and what I wish that someone had done or said for or to me. I try to remember that teenagers' brains are not fully formed and that is why they make crazy fucked up decisions. I also think that they don't have many people that care about them on a real "people" level. I believe that most "grown ups" tend to confuse teenagers with kids. Huge difference in my mind.

In another life, one in which I was not the role model of "what not to be" (based on my own life experiences) I honestly believe that perhaps I should have been a teenage counselor or perhaps I would have been a great foster parent for teens. But instead I do my own brand of counseling that I am not sure is the best. Let me clarify...

I openly give advice to teens with a troubling existence. I have to question if what I say to them really impacts them on a positive level or am I just stroking my own troubled teen self. Is it possible that our teen years can be so scarred that we try to heal ourselves through other troubled teens? AND in the process maybe I am so scarred that the words I give in trying to help them is really not helping them at all?

I am thinking of particular individuals...my daughter for one (I believe her father thinks she is a lost cause) her friends, including her boyfriend are what any sane grown up would potentially call a "lost cause". I on the other hand think I possess a real responsibilty to encourage that "troubled" teen instead of beating them down.

I guess I love the strays, the ones that everyone else dismisses or believes that will be the grown up loser, I am probably the loser. But being a loser makes me think that if people had believed in me I would be a winner. Whether I am right or wrong it doesn't really matter. I believe in befriending and encouraging the ones that no one else will.

I hope I live to see one or all of those teens blossom into something that no one else thought they could, something incredible, and definitely not a loser.

I suppose that if I feel even a teensy bit responsible for a wayward teen believing in themselves, it somehow makes me a winner too.

C'mon wayward teens, make me a winner through you...sad but perhaps that is the goal. My own redemption through the successes of others.

Ahh Freedom

It is just today that I feel like I am even remotely myself again. That little stint in jail really took a toll. Until last night I had been unable to sleep since Saturday (the day I went in). My sleep patterns consisted of an hour here and there, and not the good REM sleep either.

The first night back in the house every little sound startled me to the point I would bolt up and look around, give a huge sigh recognizing I was no longer in jail.

Driving, oh god driving! I am in a panic every time I see a cop now. I fear they are coming to get me. The paranoia has been pretty intense. But finally today..ahhh. I slept last night, some good sleep. Had a very perky sort of day. I am almost 100% back to me again.

Today got a letter from my attorney. I am to meet him prior to court to submit to him my evidence that I own the insurance agency. I am starting to feel much better.

It's snowing again and I am loving it as opposed to hating it as I would have a week ago, because I can SEE it!

Ahhh freedom...

Jail Bird

Long weekend to say the least. I was arrested for insurance fraud. I spent part of Saturday, all day Sunday and most of Monday in jail! I did not even know the reason until Monday when they (the jail guards) took me to court in the jail. It appears that Lori has been cashing checks for an insurance agency...well, guess what? That is legal. I own the agency.

So I spent all that time in jail and I did nothing illegal. I was released ROR (for those not in the know, it means Released on your Own Recognizance).

Here is how it went. Cops show up at my door Saturday say they have a warrant for insurance fraud. I tell them they have made a mistake. They say it is for checks over $500 but below $1500. I tell them that I used to own an insurance agency but have never committed fraud. They say there is enough evidence for a judge to issue a warrant. So off I go in silver bracelets.

I was not even to know exactly what it was about until I went to court on Monday (today) to hear my charges. When I heard them I said "Yes, I cashed those checks because I own the agency". The judge, perplexed, says "You do?" I say "Yes"; she says "You own it solely?" I say "Yes". She says I am released on my own recognizance and that I have until Feb 12th to prove I own the name. No problem. I ask why I was arrested for this without any notice. They say they sent me notice and I did not respond and that is why the warrant was issued. They sent the notice to an old address,hmmm they were able to find me at my new one though???? I'm more than a little pissed now but still ecstatic I am no longer in jail. Even the words are hard to type. The problem is...

The problem is that I missed work and had to explain all of this to my boss, actually 2 of my bosses.  All is well, or so it seems (one of them even says we need to exchange jail stories, can't wait to hear his). But I have in the back of my mind that they are now gonna be "looking" at me to see if I am in fact a criminal. I suppose worse than all of that is that my daughter had to pick me up from jail today. How humiliating! I had to explain to the kids. My daughter and her boyfriend each had letters to give me that they wrote today, in case I didn't get out of jail. It was pretty heart wrenching stuff.

I can't write anymore. I am enjoying my bed instead of concrete with a thin veil of foam. I enjoyed Popeye's chicken instead of some mystery meat with rice on it. I am enjoying a night of no tears, trust me when I say there were plenty of those!

Well, I say sincerely, Good Night!