The Third Choice...Nothing

So I have been vacillating between two choices. One is safe and one is a bit risky. I was set to go with the risky one until today. I had a thought that changed my entire outlook, here's the thought....

When you go back and forth, move from idea to idea, it's just better to stand still at that point.

That thought changed everything. I am not doing anything, not the safe not the risky. I am going to stand still. Hopefully in standing still and not worrying about what to do the answer comes on it's own. Vacillating is no way to make a decision. One should be sure about what they are doing, no vacillating required.

Seems surprisingly wise of me...Could it be that at 40 years old I am finally maturing?

One can hope!

Still Cautious

Lately so many good things have been happening that frankly I am beginning to worry. I suppose that after a year of hell, and a few years of angst I am probably due for some good things just based on the law of averages. But honestly I kinda feel nervous.

I can't be sure if good things are happening because I am making them happen or it's just a cruel joke from the universe and any minute I may go back to the pitiful circumstances I once found myself in. I sure hope it is the rewards of hard work and determination, and let us not forget the incredible support from others that are making these good things happen.

I feel excited yet cautious. I hate to let a moment like this pass without thanking someone , or something, for fear that the goodness will go away. I am beginning to take some calculated risks therefore I am really nervous. Afraid that perhaps I still can't trust my own judgement. There was a time when I was so lost that my judgement was not to be trusted, now I hope that I have regained some of the reason that was so far away from me.

Don't get me wrong I have made some good decisions in my life, it's just been a really long time.

Is worrying about something bad happening gonna bring badness? Does expecting good bring good? I cetainly don't know the answer to those questions but just in case I am gonna err on the side of caution and say that a lot depends on your thought process.

I am going to expect good things. I am going to be thankful for the goodness. I am still however, going to be cautious.

Women and their wicked female spawn

Warning for men, this post is about a woman , her spawn and PMS!

I remember when I first started my period I was emotional for about 5 days before it started. I would cry at the drop of a hat. When I got into my 30's I became bitchy any little thing could set me off. Now that I am in my forties, there is just no telling what I am gonna be. I could either be emotional or bitchy. For instance, last month I cried because my son would not go see the movie "Up" with me. This month I almost took out an employee and a nurse with my wicked forked PMS tongue. I prefer bitchy.

It's a good thing I prefer bitchy because my 16 year old daughter is pretty bitchy the few days before she starts too. Here is her example...She was driving with me in the front seat and her brother in the backseat in an area she was not familiar with. The exit we needed was coming up so I said "You need to..." I was cut off with her wicked forked tongue, she said " I know what I am doing and where I am going". Right before we were to miss the exit I said "If you know where you are going then you know you are about to miss your exit". Wowza! The rant that followed was amazing. As she struggled to get into the exit area the devil woman exclaimed " Just quit talking! I swear to god I am gonna ram this vehicle into a retaining wall if you don't stop talking!" So I then said, "Are you about to start your period?" Her reply " I DON'T KNOW!".

The next day she started her period and the first thing she said in the morning was " I really owe you an apology".

Now normally I would never allow that sort of talk to me, but I knew what the deal was because she is from my loins. I was just super glad she recognized it the next day. I did however discuss with her that next month when she is ready to ram the car into a retaining wall or is tempted to tell me to shut up she might want to check the date on the calendar first.

We had a great laugh as I mimicked her devil like behavior and even shared a tear (from laughing so hard, next month I am sure it will be tears of emotion that cannot be explained until we check the calendar).

It's a damn good thing we don't have our periods at the same time!

Bad Day, Sure as Hell not Today!

I spent years in a career that I enjoyed for the most part. At least I enjoyed it for the first 12 or so years. The final 5 years I did not enjoy it at all. In the final 5 years it brought me nothing but angst.

Fast forward to now. It is not the highest paying job I have ever had, far from it actually! But I can pay my bills and afford to buy something for myself or children once a month (notice the OR in that sentence!). But here is what I do get that I have not had in so many years that I hate to reflect...I get such satisfaction, gratitude and a feeling of accomplishment!

My job has been one of taking something that was sub par to something great. Yes, I said great! I had a review of my facility today that put me over the moon! One of my supervisors called me at home to congratulate me, another one emailed me on my personal email to tell me what awesome feedback he had.

My employees were perfect, yes absolutely perfect. The area that I thought I was weak in (clinical notations), the review specifically mentioned how impressed they were with those same clinical notations that I was so concerned with.

Besides having so many pats on the back for myself, I was able to tell one employee that if he keeps up the good work he is doing that he will be the next manager when I move to district. The thrill he felt was almost as good as the one I feel myself.

I know I will have a bad day at work eventually but it sure as hell wasn't today!

I made someone cry...sort of

Remember that post about how I wasn't gonna make anyone cry over dishwater or anything else to do with work? I guess I am gonna have to recant that.

I made a 20 year old guy tear up today. Not cry but he did tear up. This guy has worked there for a year this August (he has worked there longer than anyone else). The midget used to really ride his ass, she couldn't stand him. I never could understand why. He is a hardworking son of a gun. But, he would screw up a lot when the midget would watch him work which would give her ammo to yell at and berate him. She never gave him credit for going above and beyond the call of duty regarding every single aspect of his job. She seemed to enjoy cutting him down.

I have a different approach. I do point out mistakes and criticise any sign of laziness. I critique every single meal that leaves that kitchen and I am serious about cleanliness. On the other hand I praise good work, and I praise it loudly and boldly. With this particular individual (20 year old guy, who by the way lives on his own, no help from mommy and daddy. Mommy works there too). I moved him from nights to days so that I could keep an eye on him and offer some positive reinforcement. As he performed better I began to teach him some things about the management side. He flourished. Not only is he his constant hard working self, but now he has a vigor about learning the business.

It has been a little over 30 days since I moved him to days. Today I gave him his annual review and I gave him a $1.00 an hour raise. He now works his ass off for $9.00 an hour. It made him tear up. He shook my hand , teared up and just kept saying thank you and telling me that I can continue to count on him.

That was a good reason to make someone cry. Next week will be a whole other story. I am gonna have to fire an incompetent cook who is also a single mother. I better enjoy today, next week I won't have such a warm fuzzy feeling.

What I Now Call, My "Recovery"...

This time last year I couldn't see a future, now I can't see an end to all the exciting possibilities. What a difference a year makes and what a difference people make.

With encouraging words and actions there are people that have made a real difference in this last year of my life. People I never would have believed could or would. My ex-husband David, my long lost newly found cousin Misty, my long time friend Rhonda and my new friend April.

Each of these people contributed in their own way to what I am now referring to as my "recovery". My recovery from the brink, from depression, from hopelessness. I no longer cry from utter sadness and misery. I no longer see only the obstacles. I am no longer fearful.

My ex-husband David has provided an endless ear and an understanding that comes from being at the brink. We both know what it feels like and I don't see either of us visiting it again. He has known me all of my adult life and he knew what I needed to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He provided a safe place for me to be and took over a lot of my personal responsibilities until I was able to handle them again.

My long lost newly found cousin Misty miraculously appeared at a time when I really needed her wisdom. She doesn't know that her blog saved me from committing the unspeakable act of suicide. The pain she expressed over her sister's suicide kept me from taking that step. I could clearly see how people are affected instead of only seeing the relief I thought it might bring me. I won't ever consider that option again.

My friend Rhonda. She suffered greatly in her own personal hell but kept going and never once judged me or criticised me for the choices I had to make. She just kept being a friend. She got me out of the house when no one else could. For a while she was the only person I would answer the phone for.

My new friend April helped me get into my new career and has spent hours sharing her knowledge. My new friend April loves me for the person I am now.

This last year has been riddled with ups and downs. Last year I didn't feel very fortunate. This year I feel like a really really lucky girl and a really really happy girl!

Thanks Friends!

The Midget and the Caveman

Well, my weekend with the midget was great fun! The man that she introduced me to started out ok. Not entirely unattractive, but not really my "type" either. But I kept an open mind. It slammed shut pretty damn quickly when I realized he was something of a primitive man (insert caveman).

The first night all seemed well but I knew this man was not for me. I was sure not to send mixed signals but also to continue to have fun. That night as I settled into the couch and right before I was ready to doze off the yahoo walked up to the couch and said "Woman, you can sleep in here if you want" and he pointed to his bedroom. I said "Thank you, I'm good."

Now most people might think that would have sufficed, not so fast. Caveman had another alluring and seductive proposal. I need to set this up for you a bit first. I have very long hair, well passed the middle of my back. When I sleep at night, I tend to put my hair in a long braid, which is what I did that night...

Caveman must have thought it looked just right for pulling me to his bedroom. I felt a tug of my hair and then the next charm riddled proposal "Hey! really come on in here and sleep. (tug tug on my hair) come on woman." I sat up quickly, turned on the lamp, looked him square in the eye and said "I am not so easy that a caveman can do it". I will give you a minute to let that sink in.

The following day he wanted to discuss if I was attracted to him or not. I told him I wasn't but that it had been fun hanging out with him as part of the group. He kept on about if there was any one specific thing that he did that perhaps he could make up for. I told him that besides the obvious, calling me woman and pulling my hair, that I didn't think he was used to dating smart women. Well, that must have really insulted him. He wanted to play scrabble to prove that he was smarter than me. Instead of demeaning him any further with what I was certain would be a sure win on my part. I declined to play and said "Not necessary. I didn't say you were not smart, I said you are not used to smart women".

I stayed the second night and this time he tried a new approach. He sat at the end of the couch and started to rub my feet. Now something like that really has a much better chance of working, but after the initial caveman approach I just couldn't get interested.

This morning at 6:00 a.m. (my scheduled departure time) he kicked the couch and said "Hey woman it's time to get up".

It sure made me glad that the foot rub didn't work either!!!

April's Day

Today I am going to spend with the midget (I love that she lets me call her that). She will be leaving for LA next weekend. You may recall that she wanted me to meet this friend of hers that she and her husband are staying with until their move (the fixup, yahoo, whatever you want to call it), I decided to change things up and not make it about that.

Today will be her day. She is the only one that works in her family since her husband's injury two years ago. She doesn't say it, but I am guessing it has been a huge undertaking for her, I might even call it a burden, she never would. She doesn't really buy anything for herself, ever. But this week I went shopping with her to help her choose the dress she will wear to her son's wedding. While shopping she commented on an outfit that she really wanted but did not get as she was spending so much for the wedding outfit. Then again the next day she commented on it again saying she really might just have to break down and buy it and hide it from her husband.

Again, I tell you today will be her day. I am going to buy that outfit for her. I am also going to buy an enormous amount of chocolate covered donuts. Donuts are her weakness. She doesn't drink or smoke or have any other bad habits. But chocolate covered donuts are her vice of choice. So I will make sure there is a multi tier cake of chocolate covered donuts, wrapped gifts, and the sappiest card I can find. I am even going to a small town's celebration of it's founder for her. I can't think of another person I would endure that kind of torture for.

Sappy is not really my style 90% of the time. But last night when I was thinking about the midget moving I got really sad. We have become such close friends that I hate the thought of her not being part of my day.

She has been a huge supporter of mine in the changing of careers. She "gets" me. She laughs at all of my jokes and stories until tears stream down her face. She even gets genuinely upset when I tell her a sad story. She never pities me, she always offers encouragement and she shares her dreams and fears with me as well. We can be completely honest with one another without hurting one anothers feelings. All women know this is quite a feat. How many girl friends do you have that can tell you that you look fat in an outfit without pissing you off? LOL.

Well it's time to buy the donuts and prepare myself for my last weekend with the midget.

4th of July

This is the second year in a row that I have done absolutely nothing for 4th of July. This year I missed not having a bar-b-que and fireworks. My son was gone to visit grandma, I worked and my daughter stayed home as she is grounded for life.

Next year I am going to have a big celebration. I am not gonna let another fireworks holiday pass without recognition (I know it's not really about the fireworks, but...). Hopefully my daughter will be ungrounded (not holding out much hope for this) as she is the resident pyromaniac. I want lots of people, some dangerous yard games (lawn darts), great festive food and of course a fireworks display to impress all within a 25 mile radius.

When I think about it, I have had very few 4th of July celebrations that I actually enjoyed. Oddly the one I liked best was just me and a good friend of mine sitting in lawn chairs in the driveway drinking beer and watching everyone else's fireworks (sorry kids). We chatted with all the neighbors, clapped at the big explosions and just hung out without a care in the world. Then we walked to the park to watch the "big show". Met a lot of fun people, walked back to my house and called it a night. I wonder what he did this 4th of July? Maybe I will invite him next year.

It's weird how a holiday can remind you of someone you haven't thought of in years. I'm gonna try to remember all of the fun people next year and host that party.

I think I thought this same thing last year...

It's a gift, really, it is

I am taking my daughter to work with me tomorrow. She will be volunteering at the nursing home. Her duties will probably include, helping to serve their meals, helping them read their bingo cards, reading to them etc. Or, just plain talking to them.

Whatever her duties will be she will not be under my direction and this is important at her age. She needs to be under someone else's direction and she needs to feel the rewards of helping someone, not for money or any other benefit, but just for helping.

She is extremely sensitive, I am sure she will be saddened by some and laugh with others. There is a strong possibility she may also even be frightened. Whatever it is, I assure you it will be an experience she will not forget. This is a gift from me to her. She may not think so now, but I hope later she will view it as such.

She tells me tonight that she is excited and nervous. I wonder what she will tell me after her day tomorrow...

I'm Done

Perhaps it was 20 years in sales that conditioned me to be nice to people that are well, just not nice people. Or maybe it is that there are what I call "comedically challenged" people (actually i borrowed this phrase from the husband of a friend of mine, I love it though) that just can only see the serious side of life and can't have a good laugh to save themselves. Whatever it is, I am not going to do it anymore, that is, be nice to people that are not nice to me. I have had it!

I have been guilty of befriending those people that no one else wants. I used to think that there were redeeming qualities in everyone. It may be true but too often the poor qualities of an individual outweigh any redeeming qualities they may possess. People will use you up, suck you dry of your niceness. It has taken me years to realize this. Too many years. I am done with the niceness sucking people that only want you to be as miserable as they are.

It's enough already! I am too old to put up with miserable, immature, niceness sucking people. I am so done.

Whew! feels good to get that out.

At least there is a lake...

So I talked to the yahoo tonight (oh, I mean the fixup). He was not that good at impromptu conversation, too bad I see that as a negative immediately. Anyway, here is the plan. Once you hear it you may better understand my true hatred of the whole situation.

My midget friend sold her house and her and her husband are staying with this yahoo until after her son's wedding and then they are moving to Louisiana immediately thereafter. This yahoo lives 45 minutes from my work place and an hour from my home. Not this Friday but next, I am travelling with her to the yahoo's home and staying the night, as it is in the boonies. I am assured by the yahoo that I will have a wonderful time as he lives on a lake and has a firepit in his backyard (I suppose he has been told I am the fishing, camping outdoorsy type). So to be honest it doesn't sound bad. The yahoo further says to me on the phone, "No pressure, let's just have fun". Well ,hell, now I feel pressure to have fun.

Ok, now it is apparent to me that I am actively looking for reasons to hate him. Truth is, he was actually quite nice on the phone and probably said as much as he could not knowing me. So now the question is, "why in the world am I looking for things to hate before I even meet him?"

Well, it just so happens I have an answer for this. And the answer is: Because as I have said previously " I hate everyone equally". Now this is really just my inside joke but there is some truth to it as well.

But now that I know he lives on a lake and has a firepit in his backyard. Maybe I can still find some redeeming qualities in him, at the very least, I just might enjoy some fishing and good friends.

Actually, it sounds pretty damn good. I'll let you know next week how this goes.