Itty Bitty

I am already sad. I look at my hands while I type this and trust me, I have those "mama hands". You know the ones that look like they have diapered a million times. I have those because I have diapered a million times.

When is it ok to say that your children are grown? Once upon a time I thought I knew the answer to the riddle. I don't. In my opinion you no longer know the answer when they need you the most. When they were little bitty children, they needed me to guide them and teach them. and help them through a scabbed knee.  Now that they are older, they need me to soothe a broken heart. Which is more important? I ask you to choose.

I choose neither. I think being a parent lasts forever. How can I possibly say that now they are OK without me? I can't.

How can I move now or ever without my little itty bitty children?

Where?

I talked to my boss about movement within the company. Here is what I got...

1 year in a po'dunk town in Iowa (for pretty damn good money) and then off to one of the following three locations:

Madison, Wisconsin
Indianapolis, Indiana
St. Louis, Mo

The promotion to any of these three locations would be a really really good one. The one to the po'dunk town in Iowa is sort of a "paying your dues" type of thing. But what is really getting me is that to move would mean that I would be leaving my kids with their dad. I was crying on the way  home from work just imagining it.

I spoke with the kids' father, we spoke in depth about all types of situations and ways to solve the problem. I just can't imagine being without them full time. He reminds me they are not young children anymore and that this is an economy where we can't be too choosy. This is a great opportunity and could lead to some real security. But in the end he says he too will be looking for a new job. Not just for mine and the kids sake but for his as well. Turns out he is not very happy with his job and thinks he will have to move to satisfy his income desires.

This little drama has only begun...

New-Again

Well I have definitely "grabbed the bull by the horns" with my new-again ambition. I completed 2 chapters and 4 quizzes for school today. Everything seems urgent. After so long of not having a sense of urgency it is truly invigorating.

I have rewritten this part of the post so many times because each time I write something it sounds pompous and a bit haughty. That is not what I want to convey. But there is no other way to say it but to say...I feel like I am starting to live again on a multitude of  levels. Most important to me right now is the energetic way that I am approaching work and my goals. I have not felt this motivated and elated about my future in probably 8 years. It makes me feel alive. I was not able to really put my finger on it before. But the one thing that made me the happiest was always being the best at something. I have not been the best in years. I think I still have it in me now. At one point I thought that feeling and desire may have dissipated with age. Not true, it dissipated with depression and the feelings of defeat and despair.

In short, I feel strong and determined.

I'm More Suited For...

Someone that I haven't talked to in about a year commented on my new career. He said he would never have guessed I would be in this position. When I asked why he said that he said I seemed more suited for a high profile, big money big pressure kind of career. I haven't been able to shake his comment, for a few reasons...

He is right. I don't have high profile, I don't have big money and I have moderate pressure. But he is right about something else too. I loved a high profile career, I love big money, though I no longer love big pressure. I can't shake the thought that perhaps I should aim for more. It doesn't mean I'm not hoping for more, but I don't think I have been properly focused to gain the things that I do want. I am wanting more money and more responsibility. As for the "big pressure". I'm pretty sure that more pressure is not going to cripple me the way it would have a year ago.

I am going to finish my current certification (will be done at the end of March) then I am going to put myself into overdrive and put some of my own big pressure on my company to pay me more and give me more responsibility, otherwise I'm gonna start looking for a company that will.

I forgot how good ambition feels.

I Think I'm Flattered

Get ready for a weird one. I guess when you're hot, you're hot ( I say this sort of  in jest). After my almost fling with the 6'7 cowboy, enter a new interested party (yep I'm having a big week). SHE is about 20 years old. SHE was my waitress tonight as I ordered bar-b-q to go in a local establishment. SHE  told me about her going to school to study sexual psychology. SHE said that what interested her most was relationships between May/December people of the same sex(I'm guessing I'm December in that scenario lol).  SHE talked and talked, offered to carry my 2 bags out, begged me to come back and made a point of telling me how I reminded her of her first real teacher. SHE insisted that it was too cold to be out alone. 

Ok, so I was flattered. But, not my type and my legs still aren't shaved.

Bye Bye Little Girl

My daughter has had the same boyfriend for a little more than 2 years. She is 17 years old. I am very open about sex with my children, really any topic. This week she informs me it is time for her to get on "the pill". I told her last night to take charge and make her appointment. She had it made by noon today.

She comes in every night ecstatic about her time with the boyfriend. She tells me about their dates and some of the lovey dovey stuff. I am not a big fan of the boyfriend, but it's not my choice and he is not the real reason for the post.

I always thought it would be awkward when I knew that she was having sex (still not quite there but I'm sure it won't be long now). And it is a bit awkward, but here is what isn't. I want her to be happy and have a healthy sex life. I am happy to see her so happy. This new stage of mother-daughter relationship is gonna take a bit of getting used to, but I am thrilled that she feels confident enough to discuss these things with me. But a tiny part of me is sad to see the "little" girl go.

Now that the "little" girl is going bye bye, it means that she is gonna be subjected to some heartbreak in the romance department. I don't look forward to this at all. No parent wants to see their child hurt, but it seems especially that romantic heartbreak is a toughy for me to fathom.

On the one hand, I am happy that she is so happy and feels that she is in love. On the other hand, I don't want to see her hurt and no one escapes it.

Bye bye little girl.

What Qualifies as Excitement

It has been a different sort of week. I received an email from an old flame; I emailed back. Went out with friends and had a blast. The fact that I even went out is almost a miracle these days. Got picked up in a bar. Made contact with a female body builder that wants to train me. My boss texted me on my day off about how to make pork shoulder ( Im so flattered, he is an excellent cook in his own right).  Started online school.  Found a solution to a vehicle problem all on my own. And now I find myself looking for different people on Facebook that I haven't thought of in years.

It's all so very different. My week usually consists of work and kids and not much else. So yeah, this all qualifies as excitement in my world.

I have not had my usual anxiety this week. I feel calm, in control and just generally better than I usually do. I am not at all sure what to attribute this to. If I knew I would do more of it.

On the other hand is all of that really excitement? Or is it just how a well adjusted persons life works?

Natural Defense System In Place

Can I please release myself like a school girl here? OMG! What an awesome night! Ok, I officially feel like a school girl. Anywayyyy, I went out with my friends that I "set up" way back when. We went to a local bar with karaoke and dancing. I swear to god I ended up with the hottest guy there, Mick ( I even love the name!). 6'7; beautiful, blondish cowboy type. I danced and kissed and down right made out! Giddy I tell ya, giddy I am! Any man that can pick me up and put me around his waist has my vote strictly based on that.

But...I have this thing I call my "natural defense system". It keeps me from being slutty. I don't shave my legs when I go out. Thereby eliminating any chance of having sex with a random guy. Trust me this works! No way in hell would I have sex without my legs shaved. Therefore just because I find you amazingly sexy I will not have sex with a random stranger. Tonight I wished I had shaved my legs. I would have gladly been slutty for this man. But, never to worry, I wasn't.

You know how they say "It's the things you  don't do you later regret in life"...

I am already regretting it!

Thief

I have just been "hot pissed" (my new fave way of expressing anger, catchy don't ya think?) for the last 24 hours. Yesterday one of my employees stole $300 from my purse. I can narrow it down to 4 possible suspects. Here is what really gets me, rather hurts my feelings. Out of all 4 people I have helped each one financially. Two of the people I loaned money to; the other two are a married couple and I adopted their four children at Christmas this year.

Yesterday after cussing like a drunken sailor and threatening to fire people if the money did not show up in my desk...I finally decided that I was more hurt than pissed. So today realizing I will probably never get my money back I posted the following note on my door " Note to THIEF: Please return my money. I work hard for my money and I need it. Put the money in my desk. Blessings if you do, curses if you don't."

Now I am fully aware that will have zero impact, however, I just want the thief to be reminded they are a thief every time they walk in my door.I also want them to wonder if perhaps I do possess some sort of voodoo magic thereby cursing them (I have always wished I possessed the power to cast a spell) I suppose I could have worded it differently, but then my idea of differently would have included a lot of swear words; long stories about how I have helped each of them until finally I would have had a note as long as "War and Peace".

Do you think there is a snowball's chance in hell I will get it back??

First day of "school"

So far online school is not so good, and I haven't even taken a class yet! I tried to get into the class today, all I needed to do was type my name in. Sounds pretty easy huh? Not so much. Each time I would type in my password and name I would get a message that said password accepted, wrong name. After about 5 attempts I finally emailed my "advisor". Now I have spoken to her on 3 occasions in the past 6 weeks. Today she had no idea who I was. I gotta tell ya' I have a pretty distinctive voice and I am enrolled in a not so popular field...dietary management. She could not find anything under my name, until...she spelled it with an "o" instead of an "e". Most of our correspondence has been completed via email, my email address is my name...hmmm, makes me wonder if she has a high school education, forget about wondering about a college education.

Now I will have to sign in misspelling my name each time ( I am assured my certification will  be spelled correctly, I'm not so sure of that).

Let's see if I can get into class tomorrow....can't wait for the instructor!!

The Good, The Bad, The Iffy

Ahhh, the long lost brother that owes me money returns!! Got an email today saying he has my money when I "need it". I'm gonna leave that statement alone, it's just too easy. At any rate I am thrilled that he contacted me. As I age I find it increasingly important to have good, solid relationships. I no longer have a problem dismissing those relationships that are not good and solid. But this one has always been a bit iffy. So much of it is the age difference, 10 years. Plus I left home at 14, he was 4. I had very little to do with my family for years, when I finally did, I was reminded why I had made the decision to cut the ties in the first place.

But here we are, he and I. Both in Nebraska, miles away from any other family and we do not spend time together. There have been times that we did, when he needed a place to live, when he needed a place to work. It always seems like it is when he needs something, But then again, I suppose that is what a big sister is for. It seems odd to me that we don't spend holidays together, go to dinner or speak on a regular basis.

I think this is age talking. You learn with age that family is all you really have, so the good ones you definitely want to keep, the bad dismiss, the iffy work on.

This is one to work on.

I'm Back

This feels weird, writing my blog that is. I have been absent since Thanksgiving! During that time, my computer crashed, I went out of town to visit my cousin Misty in Texas, spent 3 days at Christmas holed up in a hotel room because of a blizzard, only to find out that I needed a whole new computer! Thank god for warranties.

That is the short version, we will skip to present day....

Today I completed the steps for online school. I have always been of the mindset that online school is not real school, we'll see. I will be attending the University of Florida, I wanted a warm climate.

Well, now that you are caught up, stay tuned I'm back!