It's not just a vase

Ok, I'm gonna tell something on myself that is gonna make me seem shallow. No laughing please. I have actually cried over a broken vase tonight. Well, not just tonight, but today and tonight.

This was no ordinary vase. It was 5ft tall and gloriously suited to all of my other belongings. It was the kind of piece that people would notice immediately as different and beautiful. I know, it's still a vase, why am I crying over it?

I have lost so much over the past few years that any small thing gone now kinda sends me into a mini depression. This was not a small thing to me. It represented a happier more prosperous time in my life. I doubt I will ever be able to replace it.

After it met its ill fate (worse still, it's ill fate was not brought on by me, maybe that would have been easier). I put the bottom half out by the curb to be picked up by the garbage men (the bottom half still 4ft tall). My daughter suggested that perhaps I could still use that and cover the upper cracked off portion with greenery or even try to glue all of the pieces together. So I accepted that may be better than no vase at all. She graciously went outside to bring it back into the house. It had been so shattered that upon trying to move it, it cracked into an additional million pieces. Pieces only large enough to sweep together instead of glue together.

More tears.

It wasn't just a vase. It was a part of my life. It was one of my favorite parts. I am reduced to crying over a vase...yet again.

Remind me next month...

Either I became a Training Manager today or I am training myself out of a job one or the other. I had one person promoted from my facility, today I was given another person to train. Hmmm...am I that good or that bad is the question?

I pondered about this all day long. I finally got my nerve up and asked my District Manager if I was a Training Manager or training someone for my job. He said a Training Manager. I felt kinda silly having to ask the question but was thrilled with the response. I ordinarily wouldn't feel so insecure but for a few issues....

We live in a world of uncertainty about our jobs, that's number one. I possess an abrasive nature so I tend to offend others, that's number two. Today the Director of my facility had a meeting with my District Manager and said that he wanted to be friends with me again and didn't know how because I have put walls up, that's number three.

Both of my "bosses" are men. How the hell do you say without saying that you have just been PMS'ing and you want to be friends too? LOL...Seriously, as I said I can be abrasive, but I guess I had no idea how abrasive if someone feels the need to say "Make her be friends with me again"...

This is no laughing matter (although I am snickering). This is serious business. Is it time for me to go for one of those hormone balance tests? Or have I always been this way during "mother nature" time?

It's a good time to make friends again. I'm done with PMS. Someone please remind me next month!

The Day You Can't Take Back (as a parent)

I have often heard people remark of the moment they realized their parents were people and not some god like creature without flaws. For me personally, I am pretty sure this happened when I was about age 10. My mother was an extremely depressed person with an anger issue and so many other "issues" that I dare not try to recall them all now. However, the day I realized was when she could not find the handheld can opener.

She threw all of the drawers out of the cabinets and ranted and raved about where in the world did I put that particular can opener. My younger sister hid behind me shaking in a corner of the kitchen as I tried to protect her. My mother shook scissors in our direction with an "out of touch" look in her eyes and tone. This was such a defining moment, I am pretty sure I have mentioned it before. At any rate...

My daughter is having such a moment with her father (think she already had it with me). He is a flawed man as we are all flawed. Somehow it seems to strike differently with her when it comes to him. It is now that she is beginning to question if she can count on him in any circumstance. Unfortunately, the answer is no. Equally unfortunate is the fact that the topic could never be discussed with him as he is so proud that he dare not admit a flaw and certainly would not admit to hurting his children in any way.

But the truth is, he does hurt them. I won't divulge exactly how but is a behaviorial issue that he has had for as long as I have known him.

Just sad that he will probably never have the chance to rectify it...or worse, won't ever admit there is a problem in the first place.

Close Family

I have experienced several different "sides" to life. I guess the most obvious are rich and poor. Rich in a way that I had more money than an average of 90% of Americans. Poor in a way that I had about as much as the bottom 10% of America. Vast differences, and personally I prefer rich.

My daughter said something strange the other day. She said she didn't want or need to be rich because we became a better family when we were poor.

I always thought we were a pretty tight knit group and had a very good family. She explained it like this...she said we became closer not just because we had a smaller house.

I guess the sharing of life experiences will do that for a family. Still I hope to have another swing at being a close rich family!

Yes Virginia, There is a Swine Flu

I admit to being one of those people that is skeptical of certain flu's or epidemics. Bird flu, Swine flu, whatever...

However, now that both my daughter and I have been diagnosed with Swine Flu, and I also have pneumonia, I am now a believer in this particular epidemic.

Last Wednesday night I was feeling "fit as a fiddle". Woke up on Thursday morning and felt like a truck hit me. Coughing, body aches that were indescribable; sore throat etc. I thought I had my annual attack of bronchitis. So, I stayed home from work Thursday, most of Friday all day Saturday, went in for a couple of hours on Sunday.

Then today, my daughter went to the doctor because she had contracted my illness (plus she has asthma, so it really hit her). She took herself to the doctor. I spoke to her after her appointment, swine flu.

Working in the health care field, I immdiately went to a clinic. Yep, swine flu with a touch of pneumonia.

And all this time I was feeling guilty for not going to work. I am home until at least Wednesday at this point. I feel better than I did especially since now I get to stay home until Wednesday. Ahhh, god's little way of giving me time off work without the guilt factor...