I know something scarier than Halloween

  I write this shit when I need clarity ( I guess I have been pretty well grounded the past couple of years). Doesn't it figure that a man would be the reason I need that clarity after all this time? Whoa, where is the erase button? No freaking way...I can hear you saying it. It's true. But this is no normal man, this is my computer boyfriend. It doesn't get much more pathetic than that, unless of course you are one of those people that thinks the naked girls in magazines talk back to you, which makes me just a hair above those perverts (that means I'm still better, right?). At any rate, I confess it (not so proudly) I met this man on the internet while playing my much touted Texas Hold'em. Oh seriously can I really tell the rest? Why the hell not, no way am I alone in this...

Yes, I have actually met him (that would be my first question if I was you). Yet it still exists almost solely on technology. Somedays this works for me and somedays...eh not so much. We talk daily, email, text, facebook, make plans for the future. There are upsides and plenty of downsides to this "relationship". But by far the biggest downside is... I am pretty sure this works for me because I don't have to be 100% invested. Why is this a downside? Because I realize I am not being honest with myself. It works because I am scared. I am scared to open myself up completely. So there you have it. Fear. It lurks. It keeps me from reality. It keeps me from hurt. And the scariest part (on this Halloween night), it probably keeps me from true happiness.