An ah ha moment! The dream.

It's the last day of May and late at night. I am on the patio in the back of the house. The house is surrounded by tons of trees that are blowing in the on and off again winds. The sky is putting on a lightning show. It's about 72 degrees, I can smell the rain but it's not here yet. The June bugs are knocking into a lone light next to the grill. It's a good night. It has a peaceful feel, and something of an expectant one too. Like you just don't know what is going to happen next.

It has an excitement about it. Sort of feels like a movie when the scenery changes and you just know something is about to happen, but you aren't sure if it is going to be good or bad.

The wind seems to change everything, makes you look into the sky wondering what is approaching. I'm gonna think of tonight as winds of change, for good purposes. The wind is really picking up but still feels soft. If it starts raining on my laptop I may have to rethink this whole wind for good change thing though...

It also makes me think about my dream retirement. On a lake or river driving my boat to work everyday to my bait shop/restaurant. Now that I think about it, working in the dietary/food industry is exactly where I should be with this retirement dream of mine. It is only tonight that it makes perfect sense to me. I have had the same retirement dream for years of owning a restaurant and bait shop. It is just now that my path in life is making any sense to me. I need this experience in the dietary/food industry to be successful at my dream! How else would anyone explain a move from 17 years in the insurance industry to dietary??? Then moving from nursing to dietary?

I know it sounds odd, but my subconscious must have taken over that day I approached the guy about this job. I thought I was nuts at the time, sometimes I still think I'm nuts. But not tonight. Tonight my world begins to make sense and now I have a real purpose. Ahhh, it feels good to know that this decision fits into my long term plans. I didn't even know it until now.

It's my "ah ha" moment! My dream is taking shape starting now.

Great Expectations

I have accomplished a lot in the last 3-4 months and I am hopeful for the immediate future.

But...

The last few days I have had a hard time staving off "the weeds". "The weeds", as I call them, are negative thoughts and feelings that one would generally associate with depression. Lately I don't know that it is as much depression as disappointment I feel. It's hard to forgive yourself for not living up to your own expectations.

I battle this disappointment in myself pretty much weekly, better than the previous daily battles.

I am not where I expected to be in my life, but holding on to hope I continue to remind myself that I am not dead yet. Yep, that is pretty much how I continue to find the motivation to move on, I will probably live another 30 or 40 years. So the good news is that I still have time to live up to my expectations, just not gonna be the timeline I initially had in mind.

The pit bull and the dish water

I suppose that there are indeed reasons for people to be in the place in their life that they are at. I found one of my reasons today.

I am still in training, and will be for another 30 days. There is a district manager at the facility most days to train me and when she is there she pretty much takes over. She is a pit bull of a woman. Mean mean mean. She doesn't bother me at all, I rather like her and have become friendly with her to the point of going to her home for a party etc. But for those that don't know how to take her, she can be brash to say the least.

Today she berated a woman so badly about dish water that she made that employee cry. Cry so hard that she was literally in my arms as I pat her back to soothe her. I was disgusted by the mean managers attitude with employees. No wonder they have the attitudes they have, they are demeaned at every turn.

These people work hard, I mean really hard. And no one there makes more than $9.00 an hour, most not that much. The most long term employee has been there 8 months. Turnover has been a big issue. Now I know why.

There will be some changes there. No one will cry over dish water or anything else for that matter. I plan to bring a very different atmosphere. Positive remarks, fun environment, and rewards for excellence and hard work.

I'm ready to get started now, make life a bit more positive for these people. This is a good place for me to be for now.

Cupid Update

Remember that post about whether or not I was playing Cupid? It appears my matchmaking skills are pretty damn good. They are on a trip together. Now granted it's not exactly a vacation they are on, but it definitely has implications. They are at her parent's house in Cincinnati!!

They sure sound sweet when they talk about one another, still a bit guarded, but real sweet. I still can't believe that in all of these years they had not met until now. I distinctly recall telling each about the other even mentioning possibly fixing them up.I'll bet that was 2 years ago. I guess this is one of those times when you can say it's all about timing.

It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that I played a distinct role in making two of my great friends happy.

If this backfires and one or both ends up broken hearted and I am the evil demon that introduced them I'm gonna pissed!

Baking Soda and other Terrors

I had an urgent phone call this morning at 6:30 from my staff. Hang on to your hats for this one...they couldn't find the baking soda! Oh the terror they must have been in! The baking soda is missing hurry call Lori! Now I am left wondering, should I hold a mandatory meeting for the staff telling them it is not required to call me at 6:30 in the morning to report missing baking soda? But wait for it, wait for it. I got another phone call at 10:30 a.m. that was equally as panicked. No one made the cake for dessert, what oh what were they to do??? I calmly suggested throwing some frozen cookies in the oven, whew, glad I was there to save the day.

If this is gonna be what management is like in this industry, I'm pretty sure I have this handled.

So far, the urgent matters are well, just not urgent. It's all about cleanliness and being able to prepare an alternative to the menu when needed. For instance that baking soda fiasco was for biscuits. So now I want you to think about what other bread item could easily replace biscuits? If you guessed toast, you're hired.

All of this probably goes back to the first meeting I held, last Thursday, as manager. I was so peppy, ready to pump everyone up and get them prepared to be the very best team and the very best facility in our company's roster. Two people quit and another told me, and I quote, "suck a fat one". This is a much different type of employee than those found in the insurance industry. These employees are not exactly what one would refer to as polished. If an insurance industry employee told you to suck a fat one, that would be their last day. In this industry you just sort of accept it as part of the character type, tell them to go find you a fat one and move on.

I can already tell this is gonna be an experience. But here is what they don't know, they can't shock me. At the heart of my being I am nothing more than a redneck with a slew of comebacks. So I say bring it on! Just not at 6:30 a.m. over baking soda...

Addiction shall now be called Flaw

Addiction. My best friend is battling addiction. It doesn't matter what "kind" of addiction it is because I have decided to replace the word addiction with another, flaw. Battling a flaw puts us all on the same playing field. This way no one person can be judge of another because we are all flawed.

It is easy for people to say to another that you should stop doing this or that because you are addicted. That is a word I find over used. In my years I find that the people that like to point out ones addictions are sometimes the ones with the most flaws. When the word addiction is replaced by flaw, it is hard to find many judges. The reason for this is the fear that their own flaws will be brought to the forefront. For instance....

If you have a nasty character type, it's hard to call that an addiction, but let's take a moment to review the nasty character type i.e. the bad personality. The person with an off putting personality hurts just as many if not more people than the one with the addiction. No one likes the bad personality and is often injured by their crude remarks. However, a smoker for instance at least gets along with other smokers, the bad personalities can't even get along with one another. The alcoholic can find other drinkers, not so the bad personality because they still won't be able to get along.

The alcoholic when drunk may say a bad thing or two at times, but the bad personality figure does so all the time.

Therefore, I propose to replace the word addiction with the word flaw. At least there are support groups for some "addictions". When was the last time you heard of one for the bad personality? Never, and I'll tell you why. No one can stand them long enough to form a group.

It's official, the word addicition is now replaced with the word flaw.

You DO get paid to be part of this family

Remember that one lone plant that I bought? I bought that plant thinking that I would buy a lot more as I do every year. This year is gonna be an exception. I can barely keep that one lone plant alive. I worked more than 12 hours yesterday. Now I have worked long days for a lot of years, but it was always sitting on my ass kinda work.The work that I do now is physically taxing. I do not have energy left by the time I get home. Therefore, that one lone plant is not getting the attention it needs and I know that having a nice garden is out of the question. I'm gonna miss the gardening.


The long days also make it necessary for some changes in the home life. I have two children still at home, one is 16 and the other is 14. I'm offering them honest to goodness paying jobs this summer. I am willing to pay for a clean house. Let me explain why this is such a big deal. I have always had the philosophy that you don't get paid to be part of the family. That means everyone pulls their own weight as far as household chores, therefore, I have never given them an "allowance". Why am I now willing to pay my children to keep a clean house? Because I am unable to pull my own weight. Therefore, I will pay the kids to do my part. Perhaps, giving them a nice stipend for their work and what should be my work, I will be able to do more cooking and maybe even throw some gardening in there (probably wishful thinking).

At any rate, things change. I'm gonna have to pay my kids to keep up my end of the housework, but make no mistake (this is for them when they read this) I will fire them if it is not done to specifications and then they will do it for free (think this will be a deterant to slacking off?).

When I was a kid there was no paying me for housework. There was also no movies, no going out of any kind. The only thing I ever remember getting was a 10-speed bicycle. Keep in mind there also was no birthday gifts, no christmas gifts etc. So the year that I got a bicycle (summer between 5th and 6th grade) was huge. I had younger siblings and a niece to take care of, not to mention a mother with mental illness. In fact instead of paying me anything, I specifically recall my parents stealing, yes stealing, my babysitting money that I had saved for months. There was no discussion, I just came home from school one day and it was gone. I was saving that money for my school clothes so that I would be able to have a few new items and not just garage sale items for school. They never said they needed it, they never said they would pay it back, they just took it.

Out of that experience I came away with the idea that I would pay for my children to go out with friends and/or I would take them out. But, that being part of a family means sacrifice and keeping up with the household foregoing payment for the chores.

Times change and so do people. The times that I live in have me living in conditions that I consider substandard as far as cleanliness goes, and I do not cook for the family often enough. I hope I have found a system that will work for all of us and provide a nicer home life. Now all I have to do is monitor the kids and their work and act as their boss at home, instead of just parent. Let's see how this goes...

What's a little salt?

I am learning the ropes as they say in the new dietary position. Some of the things I have been learning have actually caused a change in how I look at my own eating habits, at least for now I have been scared healthy.

The first thing I learned was so simple I can't believe I didn't already know it...If you want to weigh 130 lbs you would consume 1300 calories a day, 150 lbs 1500 calories a day, 200 lbs 2000 calories a day, get the picture? It's the weight you want to to be times 10 for the calories is the easiest way to calculate how much you should be eating, if you are not big into exercise.

It's the next thing that really really got me though. Women are always talking about "water weight" and retaining water etc. This is a very real thing. Let me give you an example of something I have now seen. There are several residents in the facility that are on a "NAS" diet (no added salt). My initial thinking was "What's a little salt?" as long as it is not in excess. My initial thinking was waaaay wrong.

I have a patient who has retained so much water it actually seeps through the pores of his legs. His legs are enormous and painful to look at. They are so bloated, red and seeping with water. But that is not the worst of it.

If you are very overweight or have a large amount of water that is being retained you may have experienced some chest pains. It may or may not be due to the excess water constricting around your heart. This condition can be incredibly painful and you might actually think you are on the brink of a heart attack. Yes, excess water constricts your heart and other organs.

These are just a couple of things that I have learned so far but it has been enough to make me look at how to prepare my favorite meals in a healthier lower salt fashion.

This may even be enough to have me give up my favorite Salt & Vinegar chips....

Murder Update IV

Josh had a hearing today. They reduced his bond from $500,000 to $25,000 so he will be getting out either today or tomorrow. I allowed my daughter to miss school to attend his hearing.

She is very emotional today. So happy to see him, even though he was in handcuffs and shackles. She is furious with the press. Press took front row in the courtroom, family and friends had to sit behind the press. Entertainment and information must outweigh a family's love and support , so wrong. I wonder who is responsible for that?

Also in court today was the son, his two friends and the mom and daughter. One of the friends testified that the original plan was also to kill Josh and Sarah (the daughter). Can you imagine that a boy of 19 killed his father and also planned to kill his sister and her friend? The one that testified to this will be serving life in prison.

I do not know what happened in the other cases. I do know that the daughter/sister is still in the correctional facility and that the mom is still out on bail.

More later.

Mother's Day

My Mother's Day post is a little late coming as I slept through it. It was a long day with a lot of work related problems that I had to navigate. I would typically come home and sleep a couple of hours, but on Mother's Day I slept until 11:00 p.m. When I got up, my daughter was still awake. She had baked the most amazing chocolate chip cookies. But also on her menu for Mother's Day was chicken fried steak, she didn't get to make it. We sat up on Sunday talking about her meal and what she envisioned it would have been like. Here is what she said:

I thought it would be like in the magazines where we would laugh and cook together. Then you could read your cards and get your gift, which by the way, I picked out.

Ohhhhh, how sweet. That in and of itself was like a "magazine".

Monday I opened my gift...new shoes for work! I cannot tell you what a great gift it is. I am off today and walking around in them. Feels soooo good. What a difference the right shoe makes.

Since I am off tonight, I think we will have our "magazine moment" and make that dinner together.

The Kitchen

I question my decisions a lot! I have made some bonehead choices in my life, but I find comfort knowing that everyone does. I'm pretty sure I top the list in a lot of categories though. Let me submit my latest decision...the dietary manager position. In case you have never worked in a commercial kitchen I will give you the jist of it.

It's hot, and not the Paris Hilton kind of hot. I mean scorching hot. Sweat running down your body hot. You get dirty. Not play in the mud dirty, I mean gross dirty. Food all over you, sweat all over you kinda dirty. Then when you think it is gross enough, it's time to do the dishes. Oh yes, don't forget the dishes!

There is this "power sprayer" to remove food before it goes into the dishwasher, if you spray the plates at just the right angle, someone else's food can make it to your face! You can't wipe it away because your hands are filthy with food and grime. So you try to keep your mouth closed and your eyes semi closed to protect them. The dish room is about 140 degrees, I am soooo not kidding. I hope I lose 10lbs as a fringe benefit, it might be a sincere motivator to do the dishes. If nothing else, there is always the benefit of good skin, at least I hope. The good skin that one should have after a good steam...from the dish room and steam table. Come to think of it, I would normally pay a lot of money for a hot steam and food is never included!

But I am getting ahead of myself. Before the dishes comes the cooking of the food, for 60+ people. It's like making Thanksgiving everyday for every relative you have ever had, past, present and future! And some of those relatives are on a puree diet, that means turning beef into something akin to pudding texture...say yuck with me. Oh yeah, and you have to feed them 3 times a day not including snacks!

Now after all of this comes cleanup time. Cleanup time after the dishes of course. Mopping floors, cleaning refrigerators and ovens. It will make you beg for your small kitchen at home.

Well, this is my latest decision, to be in control of the food and the kitchen...I'll let you know in a few months what I really think about it. But for now let's just say, I'm not hating it.

I think I have lost my mind!

Meet "Meg"

I would like to introduce you to another resident of the nursing home. I am not going to give her real name because the story of how she came to be at the home is quite disturbing, so I will call her Meg.

Meg is 32 years old, has 4 very young children. In August of 2008 Meg tried to commit suicide by taking huge quantities of drugs, some legal some not. There is also some speculation that she was possibly beaten by a boyfriend prior to the taking of the drugs. At the time of her attempt Meg was a heroin addicted prostitute with $16,000 in her bank account.

Instead of dying Meg will now have to be cared for by a team of people, one person could never keep up with her physical and emotional needs. She is in a wheelchair; does not have complete control of her bodily functions and needs methadone to keep her somewhat stable. Her mental capacity varies day to day. There is still a boyfriend that visits and calls her occasionally, I have never seen her children.

When Meg first arrived at the facility she was placed on a puree food diet, then she graduated to what is know as mechanical soft (finely chopped or diced meats). In the last few months she has been moved to a regular diet.

These days the only thing that Meg has control over is what she will eat and what she won't. She may go for a few days eating nothing but peanut butter and jelly (it is her way of exercising her small amount of control). Today Meg was prepared to eat the offered lunch. One of the nurses accidentally requested a mechanical soft meal for her. When that lunch was placed in front of Meg she became extremely upset and emotional.

She cried, sobbed really, and then she got angry. She yelled "Fuck you Stacey" to the nurse " I hate you Stacey" "You only want to hurt me Stacey"....and on and on it went. Meg had to be taken to her room and consoled for about 2 hours. She now refuses to eat even though Stacey offered her apologies and the appropriate meal. This could go on for a few days.

Depending on whether or not you sympathize with Meg's story will depend on whether or not you can sympathize with how devastated she was about being denied the meal that she has spent months being able to eat. In Meg's eyes, her accomplishments had been overlooked. I understand that about her. She has worked for months on being able to hold utensils, train her throat to swallow properly and get her mouth to chew.

You and I do not know how difficult the task has been for her. I suppose that Meg has experienced a lot of emotional ups and downs that only she can know the true depth of. Maybe being able to eat the "normal" meal was one of the only "good" things that she can think of when it comes to personal accomplishments.

I feel for Meg. I do not judge her for her prior life. Whatever she may have done wrong, believe me, she is paying for it now and will most likely continue for the rest of her life. But I also wonder how Meg got to the place of attempting suicide in the first place (it doesn't seem like a cry for help; it seemed like she really wanted to die).

I hope one day Meg has a lot personal accomplishments that she can review with pride.

Muder Update III

Ok so now, the mom and daughter have both been arrested. The mom made bail today, daughter still in jail.

The story I am hearing is that the mom must have been aware that the killing, or at least a beating, was gonna take place.

If this is true, their is a new villain, the mom. Now her husband is dead, her son and daughter are both in jail. Unbelieveable! This is the kind of story that we will see on Dateline in the next year.

I also wrote a letter to my daughter's male friend (16 year old boy) in jail for driving the murderer; I received a response from him. My letter to him was one of encouragement and hopes that he did nothing more than what I have heard. He says he is completely innocent of anything else and is taking advantage of the schooling and opportunities in juvenile detention.

I told him in my letter to him that perhaps this would help him to examine his life and live as good and responsible a life as he can and begin to focus on his future instead of just having fun for today. Perhaps this is just the wake up call he needs to see that he is becoming a man and won't be a kid forever. I sure hope it all turns out well for him.

Back to the mom...I hope there is a mistake somewhere, those kids are gonna need a mom.

Call me Cupid...Or Not

I did the unthinkable...I set up two of my friends. I have been friends with one for about 10 years, the other for about 15 years, and they had never met! I couldn't believe it!

Well, the initial "meeting" was a "group" date where he was unaware of what the deal was (sneaky me). She knew that she was meeting a long time friend of mine where I "jokingly" said "You never know maybe this could be a loooove connection". She said "Yeah right".

Ok so now it is 48 hours later and they are out on their first solo date. He took her to a play, love that about him. Few men know how to have a real date anymore. It's usually just meet for cocktails or something, he's a little more creative...

I can't wait to hear how this goes. He's a man's man kinda guy, amazingly friendly, not a person in the world that doesn't like him. She is a little bit uppity if you will, but salt of the earth do anything for ya kind of gal.

She has been in a marriage with a man that would never go out of his way for her for anything. My friend goes out of his way for everyone. A woman needs a man that will be there for anything, a shoulder to cry on, someone to have fun with, someone that will look at your shopping purchases. If this lasts, she will have found that in my friend. If it doesn't last, they both have made a new friend.

I'm on the edge of my seat with anticipation...