The Big Move

 I drove a 20ft U-haul pulling my car behind it and moved 3 states away. I got rid of all my belongings that I had outgrown or they had outgrown me (I don't see myself ever needing another pool table). After 3 weeks here, I still haven't fully unpacked or arranged the new house. But it feels like home...minus cable tv (that is for another post).

There are way too many emotions going on right now to put a clear thought together except for one...I'm damn glad I made the big move! I smiled the entire 7 hour drive!!

 I'm still smiling. Hell why not smile? I started a new life at 44.

Not bad, just different

I have spent the majority of the day cleaning house. I'm only doing this because my boyfriend is moving in next week and I thought it only fair that he move into a clean house. There is only one problem with this, it reminds me of how different my life will be from now on, not bad just different. Things like...

I think I will start putting the box of tampons under the bathroom sink instead of letting them sit on the floor next to the toilet. I feel the need to put a laundry hamper in the bedroom for dirty clothes instead of throwing them in a mountainous pile in the corner. Speaking of clothes, I better get rid of the ugly panties (but they are so darn comfy). Pretty sure I better wear at least a little bit of makeup on Sundays from here on out. I'm gonna have to wear my green facial mask while in the tub instead of running around the house looking like a halloween creature. When I do home hair color, am I really gonna have to stay in the bathroom for 40 minutes? That seems excessive. I better put a waste basket in the bedroom for Kleenex instead of letting them lie on my night stand.

Now this is only a partial list, things that come immediately to mind, not much thought at all. By the time he moves in I am sure I will have driven myself crazy with things I should do differently.

Oh hell, who am I kidding? Those changes will last about a month. I'm pretty set in my ways at this stage of my life. But I think I can put up with some of his naughty habits if he can put up with mine.

Grunts and Groans...ugh

Ok, I'm gonna admit something that few women admit to or even talk about...I enjoy watching porn with my boyfriend or even alone for that matter. I appreciate a good looking woman (Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser is the sexiest woman ever!). If I see an attractive man or woman, I look. The eyes can't help but notice beauty. I don't mind that my man finds women attractive and I don't mind if that same man looks at porn. Here is what I do mind...

I mind that sexual leering at a beautiful woman, comments about said woman as if I am one of the "guys", grunts, groans and flirting. These things I mind a lot! As a matter of fact, I mind it so much that I will break up with someone over it, and have. Here's why...

It makes me feel less important than that  random woman walking down the street or the sexy girl on the shampoo commercial. Is this insecurity or just demanding some respect?

As a younger woman I would have commented on this post and said something to the effect of "confidence is sexy, quit being so insecure". As an older woman I know that younger woman wants to appear cool, confident etc. In reality, her boyfriend has 100 examples of her extreme jealousy.

So, I have decided not to try to appear cool and confident about that type of behavior. No sir, it is not ok. I demand some self control and respect from my significant other. You know what this means though...

I'm gonna have to give that same respect. No more leering at the guy in the grocery store...

Period.

I wish, sometimes, that someone else was in charge of running my life. I am in a life changing moment ,well, not really it's just "that special time of the month" ..ooops did I really just share that? It's basically the same damn thing. We women get emotional and start questioning our lives...the choices that we have made and the ones we are about to make (yes men, we really do this every goddamn month!). Soooo, I suppose the title of this post should be something like...It's time for my period and are you good enough to stick with me through it?...or something like that. It is not just the men in my life that pay for "Aunt Flo"...in my world it is pretty much everyone.

So, in between tampon changes I thought I might send out a few apologies.

I am sorry to my boyfriend: god knows you probably deserve it except for the fact that you piss me off so much and make me feel insecure even though you have no idea you are doing it (even though you spend every waking moment telling me how much you love me). I am sorry to my staff (nope I take that back, y'all piss me off even when I am not having my period). I am sorry to the convenience store attendant that didn't have my kind of coffee ready this morning (nope, screw you it's your job to have it ready). Damn you everyone that does not praise the fact that I am earth...wow, I think I really mean it (at period time).

I hate  people for having human flaws when I am on my period!!! Period.

Don't Look Back, You're Not Going That Way!

Yes, yes I know, kinda predictable that I would post on New Year's Day. So, whether or not you give a shit, I'm gonna post my resolutions (i never stick to 'em anyway so who gives a fuck).

#1. Take 2 days off per week, preferably in a row: OMG let's face it, this might happen 4 times this year. Seriously. But dammit I am optimistic on January 1, 2013.

#2. Go back to school (again): Yep, yep this is a recurring theme. One of these days it is gonna say "finish school".

#3. Take control of my finances: Oh stop, please stop! I am laughing so hard I can barely catch my breath!!! BUT that doesn't mean it can't be a resolution...

I used to think that losing weight, quitting smoking were viable resolutions. Hell now I just want normal crap. Forget the size 6, won't ever see it again. Forget quitting smoking, not gonna happen without a doctor's note.

The best I can hope for on a realistic level....just be normal. C'mon even that's a stretch!!

Let's just resolve to not look back.

Happy New Year!

Selfish Fighter

 I take on challenges in the workplace that very few others would even think about taking on. I survived the separation from a child and the raising of another child that is quite possibly one  of the most difficult teenagers one could possibly imagine. I have survived the agony and humiliation of losing my dream home, a business and millions of dollars. I have survived 3 marriages and 3 divorces. I have survived being heartbroken by true love (not by one of the 3 husbands).

I have a clear understanding of how I was able to survive it all. I'm a fighter. I'll let you in on a little secret about fighters, they have to be self absorbed. That much fight takes concentration on oneself. So much concentration that it pretty much leaves you void of emotion except for a type of anger that spurs you on to the next challenge, let's call it determination so that it sounds better (but goddammit, it is still anger).

So now I find myself in fighter mode again related to work and money. So the selfish angry Lori is surfacing to survive and conquer those issues. All other emotions and desires are gonna have to take a backseat.

This is gonna hurt.

All break ups start here...

Most people work pretty hard to lure a member of the opposite sex. Oh, I can hear you independent women types and you confirmed bachelor types saying "not me". One word, liar. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt though and say that you really believe you mean it. All the while I feel the need to point out the ways in which you spread your little peacock feathers. Women in particular: wear high heels to make them appear taller (liar you aren't that tall); makeup (your lips aren't really wet from lust nor are they really that pink); your hair is not as straight or curly as you want it to appear; your boobs are not that perky or pushed together; let's not even talk about the plastic surgery aspect. Men: most of you inflate your job title and salary; that American Express platinum you keep in your wallet is for show (you know they cut your credit line during the great dot com crash); your car is usually impressive because all you have is a mattress on the floor for furniture in a one bedroom roach riddled apartment; and the biggest dirty little secret...so so many of you color your hair (don't even try to lie about this one, we women can tell!). So all of this and you are happy being single...right? I'm gonna have to call bullshit here.

Surprisingly, all of that is not the reason for this post, well not exactly. The reason for the post is after all the luring we do, all the lies we tell with body language and spoken language, you are gonna lose that person you lured with a very simple and innocent act. No nothing so exaggerated as cheating (that is not simple or innocent). No not gonna be that the police are at your house over a domestic abuse call (again not simple or innocent). Dang I hate to let the cat out of the bag but here it is: you are gonna flirt. That's it. Simple, innocent. But trust me on this one, whether it be the male or female doing the flirting it is eventually gonna lead to a break up. Since I can hear you doubting me I will elaborate.

 It is gonna be any average day and you are gonna flirt with the wrong person or flirt at the wrong time. Your partner is gonna be in a bad mood and will either retaliate by doing the same thing and let that flirtation end up in the bedroom (this is traditionally how a woman gets even, but I have seen men do it too, this retaliation leads to the break up). Or your partner is just flat out gonna kick your ass to the curb because it was just one too many times (and this is the one that is the most blind siding). When you get kicked to the curb (again this is usually a woman doing the kicking) you will be shocked. You will have no idea what the "kicking to the curb" is all about. Why? because the person doing the kicking has played a little scene in their head a million times of them being the one kicked to the curb (the scene consists of them being kicked to the curb because of your new relationship with the person you are currently flirting with). So they want to be the first to kick. There is a lot of wording here but it boils down to this...

It's a simple and innocent act until you damage your partner's faith in you. My sage advice is this:

Keep on flirting! It is healthy and fun. But damn the poor soul that does it in front of their partner.