Small Dogs and Full Length Mirrors

Someone killed a small dog in my bathtub!! No, not really. I just shaved my legs. I usually save the shaving of the legs for sex, but summer came before me (I am guessing after this post that winter will come before me too!). Today I decided to "dawn" a pair of shorts, dawn is the right word because it was a bit like the sun peaking out, so bright my legs are.

But that's not the real story here. The real story is just how damn lazy I was about the shaving process. After a good 30 minutes in the shower and 2 disposable razors later, I would say I am a bit patchy. That's right patchy. A little patch here and a little patch there that I was just too lazy to worry about. I am not one of those women that only needs to shave to my knees ( you lucky bitches!) I am the variety of woman that needs to shave from tips of toes (yes hair grows there) all the way up to the vaginal area proceeding  around to somewhere between my shoulder blades. This description is only a tiny bit of an exaggeration. I am cursed with the bohemian woman's hair.

I did not notice the patchiness until I decided to apply some self tanner, to tone that glow down. As I stood naked in front of a full length mirror and quickly (the faster the better, did you read full length mirror??!!)applied the self tanner I felt some furry spots. As I was not wearing my glasses so that I did not have to fully appreciate the image in the full length mirror, I decided to put them on to see exactly what I had missed. Here is where I wish I were brave enough to post a photo. I am not sure one can truly appreciate the sloppiness of my shaving without a visual. The only thing I can liken it to is this...say only my legs had cancer and they were the only things affected by chemo, ergo the only place hair would fall out. I have a few patchy places that a hairclip would have no trouble holding on to..inside of thigh, one long strip up my right calf, something of a crop circle behind my knee.

I almost got back in the shower to finish the job but I am afraid that my drain just can't take anymore.

I think tomorrow I will pick up some Liquid Plumr' and a real razor.

Crime and Punishment

This is gonna sound crazy to those of you that are crazy. But here goes…I believe there must be a victim to be a crime. Crazy huh? I would only amend this rule by saying that those below age 18 or deemed mentally retarded are exceptions (for children’s rapists etc).

Other than that, there must be a victim for there to be crime. That means…if you do drugs and don’t steal, you are immune. If you drive drunk and don’t cause property damage or personal damage, that’s right, you are immune. If you sell drugs to those over 18 and not mentally retarded, that’s right, it’s legal.

Whew! I know it’s a lot to dissect but let’s try. If it just pisses you off that your spouse is drunk or high on drugs, guess what no crime. If you cross the yellow line while driving high or drunk, guess what, no crime.

I say all of this in the spirit of saving money for our country for real things such as poverty, hunger and those types of insignificant things including social security. Let me elaborate…

There are studies that suggest that over 70% of all individuals incarcerated relate to either, drugs, DUI or prostitution. Now break that down, over 12 BILLION dollars a year is spent on the war against drugs. This war started with President Nixon and his classification of drugs. This is ONLY drugs, not prostitution or DUI. On DUI there is approximately (no one knows for sure) another 5 BILLION spent on trying to catch those driving over the yellow line. The additional funds for police officers and state patrol on New Years, St Patricks Day, Labor Day and 4th of July actually total more than this, but use it as a general figure.

I can think of a multitude of other projects to use these funds. Not to mention the revenue the country would get if you made now illegal drugs legal. For instance, the tourist dollars..enormous! The money now available to feed our own starving people; funds now available for defense against Al Quaida and the Taleiban; money now available to help our wounded soldiers; create jobs; healthcare; save small businesses ( a bailout if you will) for those small businesses that create over 60% of all new jobs. This is only the beginning of what we could use all of those BILLIONS for.

Now ask yourself…Would you use drugs or drive drunk or prostitute yourself if it was legal? The answer, probably not if you don’t already. Why? It is not in your nature. Doing drugs, driving drunk come with addictions or seldom occurrences, not a daily habit. The legalization of these things does NOT make them more prevalent, it just makes them legal. You won’t become a prostitute because it is legal nor will you become a drug addict or a full blown drunk. You either are or aren’t these things. However, we could all use a tax break and health insurance that we don’t have to pay for.

It’s just plain mathematics and human tendency. Currently our system punishes those that do little more than punish themselves. Don’t get me wrong…if there is a victim, then there is a crime in which you must be punished. But the key is there must be a victim, abusing yourself does not constitute a crime.

I get to be the Hero

With Monther's Day fast approaching and my daughter and I not really getting along I felt the need to remind myself that my children do love me. The following is not fiction. I feel the need to say so.

My favorite youngest son wrote the following about me for a school project. The school project was about "your hero". Mind you this project was a couple of years ago. I have kept his work as most mom's do, but this one is a bit special. He is not a verbal sort of child; very different from his siblings. So this in particular meant a lot...

In very childlike handwriting the title says "My Hero is My Mom".. then he goes on:

""My mom puts me and my sister before herself. She's also really good at Texas Hold 'Em. She called her mom "mother" and she hated her mom. So if we call her mother she hates it."

That's really the jist of his story. But then he has to answer questions on a paper that his teacher has handed out. Here are his answers...

Hero's Name: Lori Jensen (mom) she is very loving. She hates to be called mother. Comes to my basketball games.

Background Information: born: San Angelo, TX ; has a type of diabetes; married twice (had my step brother Derek) footnote: he got two of these things wrong

Examples: She got me my first basketball hoop so I could play whenever I wanted to.

What your hero means to you: I love her very much. My life would be  messed up without her.

Conclusion: My hero is the most loving and thoughtful person I know.

That was the intro to his paper. Now the final comments from the writer, my son David...

My mom! She is the best ever! Especially if she cooks chicken, it's the best chicken I have ever had. Anyways she also has style...well not exactly, that's why I do my own shopping. She will always put a smile on my face everyday!


Ditto kid, you always put a smile on my face too!

Fully Functioning Turn Signals

My 1996 Pontiac now has air conditioning and no longer leaks power stearing fluid. Trust me when I say this very closely resembles outright giddiness. On top of that I no longer have to operate my turn signal manually! Yep folks it seems to be the little things these days...

Those turn signals got me to thinking about life in general. As I no longer have to manually operate those turn signals in the car, so my life seems to be taking the same route. Good shit just seems to be happening automatically, just like those damn turn signals! Stay with me I know this seems deep, maybe not so much but play my little game with me anyway. There is no manual force turning things around now, it is just happening on its own. For instance....

I moved into my converted motel/once upon a time a liquor store and have met two really great people. New friends if you will. I have someone to play cards with and share my day to day happenings with and BONUS her husband is a mechanic that doesn't mind his wife spending countless hours with yours truly.

To add to this new friendship I am actually going on dates. Maybe it's the hair (I forgot to report that I love it and it looks fab!). Now steady yourselves but I am also able to pay my bills without too much trouble! I know I know crazy huh? Wait for it wait for it there is more...I now have health insurance! Is this crazy or what? It's like I am living the life of real live 41 year old woman.

I still have a few hurdles to deal with that I really don't feel like putting in writing. But I must say that I feel confident. It's still that guarded  kinda confidence, but it's definitely confidence. Sneaky little fucker confidence is...must be handled with kid gloves so as not to become overly confident (see last years posts).

In closing, let me just say that I feel like I have fully functioning turn signals BUT they could go at any moment. I'll enjoy them for now. My car may be a 1996 model but I am still a 1968 model.